Confessions

gamble said:

^^ Feel you. Mental illness is really isn't taken serious by the Black community in general. Used to suffer from social anxiety bc of my upbringing & any time I
went to my parents about it, the answer was always "god this or god that, pray about it"

You gotta step outside that & seek help on your own, bc I know a lot
of families that just aren't supportive of anything outside of running to church

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TerroristTim said:

as if my luck isn't crap from my last post I recently got into a car accident and totaled my mothers car on my way to work Smh. the air bag pretty much damaged my right eye enough to possibly require minor surgery if the blurry vision doesn't subside. due to the accident and being in and out of drs appointments the past week I missed the funeral of a family member sadly and the more things just progressively get worse I've been distant from damn near everyone with an exception to people within my household.

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Lolcomin said:

yeah, they always like pray and that you better be doing your part or god won't do his own
My brother said he doesn't care if i commit suicide so i'm at the base that my fam really don't care
So i better start seeing a therapist real soon or Robin Williams and me will be seeing each other sometime soon

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shoyru said:

i legit hate myself.

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shoyru said:

i legit hate myself.

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301216baller said:

I wish I could fade my family at times..they act like I'm not **** because I'm not on my own man if I could drop them I swear I would lol

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shoyru said:

my parents weren't very supportive either. Ironic because they're both in the medical field. Parents found out I was self harming when I was 18 and threatened to take me to the mental hospital. They offered to be my "therapists" but they always ends up judging me when I tell them my problems.

It took me 3.5 years to even tell my mom about being physically abused and assaulted by my ex. I felt so incredibly ashamed that I kept hush. My dad doesn't even know because I know he's just gonna call me a ***. I'm honestly still not over it and it's been like 6 years.

I feel alone, like nobody genuinely cares about me. I try to confide in people and I always get "you have nothing to cry about. Do you know a lot more people have it worse than you?" or "it's been almost 6 since that happened. Why aren't you over it?" It's very unsettling, actually. That's why I always just keep things in.

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shoyru said:

I used to go to therapy. I'm looking at reputable places because I feel like I really need to go back.

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gamble said:

^^ Feel you. Mental illness is really isn't taken serious by the Black community in general.

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Al Audi said:

this world is full of greed and lies all the way up to the top

i hate to say it but crime pays. going back to NYC monday

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Toretto said:

Long read...sorry in advance, but gotta document my thoughts somewhere.


RECAP: In a previous post a few pages back, I spoke in terms of having to attend a baby shower that an ex of mine would also likely be at. Well, Saturday was the day; my nerves had gradually dissipated over the past couple weeks...until we actually got there, of course . But we were among the first to show up, && no sign of shorty anywhere, so I'm cool. So I chop it up with folks, eat some food, all that...going swell so far. About an hour or so after that, I'm sitting at the middle table when my boy comes over, taps me on the shoulder, && says "Aye..____ is here"... :x

In my head, I'm like "****!!!" but I take it in stride && ensure to him that nothing bad will occur...after all, my back was turned to where she && her fam arrived so I was good, minus my damb hands lowkey shaking && **** for a couple mins . She sits at the table left of me, all but eliminating any looks from me in that direction...

The shower comes && goes, so now everyone's talking, etc. again. As I enter the house from the backyard to run up to my boy's room && charge my phone, I'm thinking "Hmm, this was a bit anticlimactic...no complaints here tho"...immediately after that thought, I go back downstairs towards the door leading to the backyard, && as I'm walking towards the patio door from the inside, guess who's walking towards it from the outside? God sure does have a sense of humor ...

So I pick up on this first by a solid 2 seconds, as she's tending to her daughter while walking towards the door, && unbeknownst to her, me as well. At this point, the threshold for me to opt to take an alternate route had been exceeded...it took three long years, but the moment of truth was finally here. An unrivaled sense of calmness instantly overcame me, for I live for moments like this.... She finally looks back up as she's like a foot away from the door, && when she sees me directly on the other side, she tries to turn around && walk in the other direction, but she INSTANTLY realizes that she's far too late . She then hits me with the "Heyyyy Toretto!!" Laughing on the inside, I say wassup (not in a mean way), notice && engage in a bit of small talk about how big her daughter's gotten, tell them to enjoy the cake they were about to get, && continued with what I was doing...

Famb...her silent, yet SO profound body reaction of "Oh, ****!!!" was worth every single second I spent waiting for confirmation of what I always knew was the truth. But much more importantly, I finally truly noticed my development && progression as a man over the past few years. If this were even a few months ago (let alone a year or two), this newfound level of poise would not have been realized; I would've likely had a very bitter reaction towards her, as I remained solely focused on being 'better' than her, or her current dude (don't get it twisted tho, still her loss/downgrade...but if that's what makes her happy, then hey..I wish her all the best)...but, when it all culminated, I felt none of that; no ill will, regret, anger...nothing. The sense of relief && confidence from maintaining, if not increasing, my maturity, along with the freedom from my own mental entanglement due to my past with shorty feels ******* great, man...I know that this was just the start of the best incarnation of myself yet.


"And really, I think I like who I'm becoming..."

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