Confessions

darthska said:

"Social events, life of the party, funniest guy in the room" all have to do with other people. I'm curious: do you ever do any projects on you own? Or any hobbies or anything solo? Biking, basketball, anything around the house?

Also, do you thrive on social interaction? Do you feel happy/good around people? Or perhaps do you feel judged in social situations?

What was the small trigger that you mentioned? You said there was something that you don't think should have spiraled into this current episode. What was it?

So there's a 'familiar comfort' in dark music, right? But then it also fuels the depressive thoughts. I get that. Whatever kind of music you listen to, are there any positive songs that you like? I think the familiarity of darker songs is helpful, (and relatable, on a personal note), but if that's the only thing you're feeding between your ears, it can be tough to shake free from these kinds of episodes, right?

How do you feel about meds? Because you don't need a diagnosis to get a prescription.

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-solo hobbies include fishing (I’m about to go do that actually), and music. I mainly do music on my own. Gym is solo as well, I go by myself every time.

-I do well in social settings. “Thrive” is a strong word and idk if it’d fit for me, but I think if somehow this ever “won”, I’d be a case where most would say it was out of character for me. That I was always pretty happy and making everyone smile.

-the small trigger was a social mistake I made with an old coworker / friend. I crossed a line and I shouldn’t have. I apologized and we’ve moved on. Everything’s fine. I’d rather not get into further details but trust me when I say it shouldn’t have caused this. It’s also not even on my mind as of late so it’s not like it’s lingering.

-for the music, yeah it can be an enabler but also somehow a help. I find that dark music can stop me from getting any worse and that as long as I cope with music I’ll always make it out. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I do listen to upbeat music as well, in the gym and driving around at times. Even during my episodes. It unfortunately helps momentarily but doesn’t help keep it away.

-I’m skeptical on meds. Psychological meds are a big deal and it can take time to find the right one for you. My wife spent years finding the right meds for her her bipolar. One of which caused a deep depression for her and I almost lost her in it. I had to step in and tell her that whoever I see on those meds isn’t her. She got off of them and found the right ones and she’s great now.
With that said, I’m not against meds. I just don’t think I have the energy or immediate need to sift through however many medications for months to find the best one for me. Especially when this isn’t consistent.

my wife is bi polar too and just does therapy for that reason. Shes fine without meds.

I'm not a huge fan of meds, either. I was just speaking to the notion that a diagnosis is needed.

Without meds my wife couldn’t have a normal life. I’m thankful for them. It’s just a very tough process for some to find the right one, and that’s not even discussing the financial burden it can place on people.

I take Celexa for anxiety which is an antidepressant. Works well for over 10 years.

There's many different drugs out there simply because they work for some and others they don't. Once you got the right mixture you can focus on other parts of life. An unfortunate truth is some may never find their mix. Legal, illegal, high or low places. Gym, meds, the right music that gets me to the tranquility needed