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Crazy stories from your job.
- Thread in 'General' Thread starter Started by atlien seeko,
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I work in an office and it's cool. As long as you do your work, the managers will never get on you. I had these two girls that were inseperable in my department. They would go to the bathroom together, smoke cigarettes outside together (constantly). They were basically two peas-in-a-pod.
Anyways, one of the girls comes in at 7 and the other one comes in at 8. We don't need to punch in with a time card or anything. All we have to do is log in on our computer to punch in. So, the girl that comes in at 8 would just give the other girl her password to her computer to log her in to punch her in for 7 O'Clock.
Like every corporate craphole, our computers are monitored and tracked to see what you have done. We need to "touch" cases where it gets timestamped. My boss figuring out that these past few weeks this girl hasn't touched a case in over an hour gets suspicious. My boss tells the one who is coming in late to go to his office. My office is not small but being in an office, people can hear things. I hear my boss reaming this chick out saying "who is punching you in?!" "Tell me"!
The girl finally snitches as to who is helping her. 30 minutes later, they are both crying cleaning out their cubicle. They also have children to take care of.
Anyways, one of the girls comes in at 7 and the other one comes in at 8. We don't need to punch in with a time card or anything. All we have to do is log in on our computer to punch in. So, the girl that comes in at 8 would just give the other girl her password to her computer to log her in to punch her in for 7 O'Clock.
Like every corporate craphole, our computers are monitored and tracked to see what you have done. We need to "touch" cases where it gets timestamped. My boss figuring out that these past few weeks this girl hasn't touched a case in over an hour gets suspicious. My boss tells the one who is coming in late to go to his office. My office is not small but being in an office, people can hear things. I hear my boss reaming this chick out saying "who is punching you in?!" "Tell me"!
The girl finally snitches as to who is helping her. 30 minutes later, they are both crying cleaning out their cubicle. They also have children to take care of.
RustyShackleford
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Here is a video of the LP's entrance, he comes in at like :38 seconds.
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when watching that clip, is anyone actually picturing the LP doing that with soo much hype and passion 
View media item 158525
prob just watch it like 10x right now
View media item 158525
prob just watch it like 10x right now
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Really? What part?
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I work in an office and it's cool. As long as you do your work, the managers will never get on you. I had these two girls that were inseperable in my department. They would go to the bathroom together, smoke cigarettes outside together (constantly). They were basically two peas-in-a-pod.
Anyways, one of the girls comes in at 7 and the other one comes in at 8. We don't need to punch in with a time card or anything. All we have to do is log in on our computer to punch in. So, the girl that comes in at 8 would just give the other girl her password to her computer to log her in to punch her in for 7 O'Clock.
Like every corporate craphole, our computers are monitored and tracked to see what you have done. We need to "touch" cases where it gets timestamped. My boss figuring out that these past few weeks this girl hasn't touched a case in over an hour gets suspicious. My boss tells the one who is coming in late to go to his office. My office is not small but being in an office, people can hear things. I hear my boss reaming this chick out saying "who is punching you in?!" "Tell me"!
The girl finally snitches as to who is helping her. 30 minutes later, they are both crying cleaning out their cubicle. They also have children to take care of.
no mercy, thought you were gonna say they're some teenagers, but mothers?
RustyShackleford
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Silver Sping, MoCo
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I work in an office and it's cool. As long as you do your work, the managers will never get on you. I had these two girls that were inseperable in my department. They would go to the bathroom together, smoke cigarettes outside together (constantly). They were basically two peas-in-a-pod.
Anyways, one of the girls comes in at 7 and the other one comes in at 8. We don't need to punch in with a time card or anything. All we have to do is log in on our computer to punch in. So, the girl that comes in at 8 would just give the other girl her password to her computer to log her in to punch her in for 7 O'Clock.
Like every corporate craphole, our computers are monitored and tracked to see what you have done. We need to "touch" cases where it gets timestamped. My boss figuring out that these past few weeks this girl hasn't touched a case in over an hour gets suspicious. My boss tells the one who is coming in late to go to his office. My office is not small but being in an office, people can hear things. I hear my boss reaming this chick out saying "who is punching you in?!" "Tell me"!
The girl finally snitches as to who is helping her. 30 minutes later, they are both crying cleaning out their cubicle. They also have children to take care of.
mercy for what? if you ran a business and found out that one of your employees was stealing, youd just let it go?
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Right by me. I live in College Park.
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That's story 
I swear I need to go work at sports authority
I swear I need to go work at sports authority
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especially at the 45 second mark down the lane!!when watching that clip, is anyone actually picturing the LP doing that with soo much hype and passion
prob just watch it like 10x right now
celtixhalfshell
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will finish, maybe tomorrow. i got as far as ppl oohhhs and ahhs ala the rucker....immediately thought of harlem shake storyDJ Voice: NEW RUSTY!!!!
There is another LP story. Sorry for the length but it is like 2 stories in one. Like I said before, I could go one about the LP for days. Wild M-fer
There was this one guy who always used to steal from the store. The LP is not there everyday so dude got us a couple times when the LP was out and another time out ran the LP to escape. Employees in the shoe and apparel section had a pic of him, and everyone was on high alert if homeboy came back in. So one late afternoon the thief comes back in with one of his homeboys.
They split up, one heads for shoes, the regular thief for Northfaces. At that time our Northface jackets were not locked down, anyone could take one off the rack and try it on. The thief does just that, takes off his jacket, put on the Northface, puts his jacket back on top of it. An apparel associate spots dude coming out the dressing room and immediately runs to get the LP. Another apparel associate being an idiot goes over the PA system and says “Security to the Northfaces”
The LP wanted to sneak up on dude but *** soon as that announcement went over the store it was like the Ultimate Warrior's music hit. LP comes sprinting out his camera room to the front of the store. He knows the thief must now be on high alert. The LP stops right at the front of the store, looking around to see where dude is and how he could cut him off. The clothing section is set up in such away that there are clothes at either side and one big aisle down the middle. The dude stealing the jacket is in the aisle, all the way at one end and LP is at the other end in the front of the store.
LP wasn't subtle, thief sees him run up. They make eye contact, and it was like and Old Western Duel, both of them knew it was on. What happens next to this day might be the greatest thing I ever witnessed. The dude stealing starts sprinting toward the LP. Even the LP was shocked, he doesn't know what to do at first but quickly squares up and crotches like he is guarding a ball handler. So the thief is sprinting at full speed toward the LP. I think he is trying to run the LP over but homeboy had other plans
The dude gets within feet of the LP and stops on a dime, some real Barry Sander type sheet. Hits the LP with a mean juke/jab step. The LP takes the bait and gets shook hard, even customers checking out are like “Ooooohhhhhh”. But homeboy was just checking to see if the LP would bite, word to Iverson crossing up MJ. The dude squares back up, lets the LP set his feet and hit him with two more filthy jukes. LP takes the bait again and it looks like the LP is playing a game of hopscotch after the second jukes. At this point the customers are “ohh and ahh” like they in Rucker Park. The LP is grabbing for the dude but only coming up with air. LP's legs are now doing what now looks like a callabo between a Crip Walk and the Stanky Legg. To finish off the LP the thief takes two steps backwards to avoid the LP's arms. Then Harlem Shakes in front the LP for a good couple seconds. The shoulder motion of the Harlem Shake makes the LP get his roll on, word to the Big Tymers. Then the thief hits a slick duck under like Mayweather in the pocket and he is out, off to the races
After that the LP falls forward, his ankles were shaking more than Muhammad Ali during a earthquake (forgive me lord), he falls right into a table filled with Under Armour shirts. The crowd goes wild like they just seen Hot Sauce violated someone's ankles. Real talk if we had recorded that **** we could have sold it as “The Sports Authority Mixtape Vol. 1” at the front of the store and put the LP's asz on a bus for the summer. It was that filthy brahs. LP needed to see a Podiatrist after that that one.
The LP is pissed, his is a dude that got pride for days, he gets up immediately and gives chase to the dude who was already going out the door. LP is chases the dude out the door, through the street and is giving chase through the parking lot. I run outside to get a better look at things, I can't get in trouble since I'm off the clock and I couldn't miss what the LP would do if he caught him. This was after witnessing the Pedigree, so I knew the LP left all dambs at home when he came to work
LP is fast so he is gaining on thief . The thief looks over his shoulder and sees this. As thief is running he takes off the his jacket. Looks back one more time, and then throws it in the air ahead of him. At first I had no ideal what the hell he was doing. Like was the jacket slowing him down or something? Little did I know that the thief was a graduate of the League of Shadows, and knew more tricks than me. The jacket goes up into the air and lands right on top the LP's head, blinding him.
The LP struggles for a couple seconds of get the jacket off, and those seconds were precious. LP kept on running while the jacket was on his head so he missed his step and trips over one of those concrete islands they got in parking lots. He falls forward and hits a minivan that was slowly driving through a road separating the fist parking lot from a second one. The LP completely wipes out, but like I said homeboy got so much pride he is trying to get up but his having problems now because the jacket, trip and car hit made him completely lost his barrings. The thief sees the state the LP is in and knows he is home safe so he starts acting like Dion Sanders returning a punt in Primetime. High stepping, looking back, taunting the LP. Dude reaches the end of second parking lot and there is a four lane road at the end. The LP spots the dude, and knows the highway is cutting him off so he gets up and continues to give chase. The LP didn't know one thing, that the thief also gave no dambs. Dude turns back, flips the LP off, beats his feet for a couple seconds (Real talk homeboy was acting like Go-Go music was playing), and runs into the street, into 4 lanes of traffic. Homeboy had no regard for human life, word to Kevin Harlan. Not even his own.
I'm standing at the edge of the first parking lot. The LP is now at the end of the second one. We both think dude is done for, a car is gonna take him out. LP is kinda freaking out because if dude gets hit, that's his ***.. Homeboy must have had Lightweight Pro, and Marathon Pro equipped because his makes it across untouched. But like I said, dis thief was Ra's ah Ghuled trained. And he is beating his feet from across the street. And from what I can see, he is battling the LP from across the street. Pretending to take LPs heart and kicking a field goal with it.......By the looks of it the FG was good, btw.
I'm wilding out at this point. I run back into the store to tell everyone what happened. The LP is standing across the street cursing at dude, waiting for a break in traffic last time I saw him. Now when I get back to the store I'm excited to tell my homeboy what happened but the store was busy while I'm gone. The dude the 1st thief came in with was still in the store. And he was grabbing ****, shoes, and coats . He got a box cutter in his hand so everyone is staying away. The manager called the police but everybody is just looking shaking their heads. Homeboy thought the LP was gone, the 1st thief gave him a run for his money so he ain't worried. My coworker said it looked like homeboy was on a episode of Supermarket Sweep. When I get back in the store, homeboy is just finishing up, ready to leave.
The store got double doors, you go through the first door and there is a vestibule where we display seasonal products, then the second exit door. It being the holiday season, game table were being displayed, specifically poker tables (this fact will play a key role is a couple seconds). Now this dude has won, he beat the system. He should have cut his loses earlier. While he is leaving the store, going through the entrance door, an Asian guy and his little kid are coming in. The Asian guys is holding the door open, at first I think it is for the 2nd thief , but then I notice the Asian guy looking back, and he got this weird look on his face. He keeps holding the door and suddenly I see him try to grab his son and try to pull the kid out of the doorway.
The thief is out the first door but he turns back to mock us and shout out his street/neighborhood/set.
BIG MISTAKE
MY NIGS, BIG MISTAKE
The 2nd thief was Latino and his name must have been Victor Cruz because he forgot the golden rule, protect yourself at all time. Suddenly I see the LP flying through the air, over the lil Asian Kid and his dad who is bent over trying to pick the kid up. LP nails the 2nd thief flush with a Jon Lynch type tackle, straight into the poker table . The LP was Terry Tate and the thief didn't refill the coffee. Poker table shatters, chips go flying everywhere. Asian dad is like “Hell Naw”, grabs his son and he is out. LP gets up and his celebrating like it was 4rd & Goal and he just make a sack. And after getting the Smackdown laid upon him, the thief pops up right away, but his legs where Zab Judah wobbly and he falls right back down on his face. To add insult to injury LP is beating his feet mocking the thief like the 1st one did to him (homeboy was from Eastern Europe so it looks like a wild River Dance), then picks up a couple chips and sprinkles it on top of homeboys face before slapping the cuffs on him.
Me and the other associate that saw the spear are wilding out. We are throwing **** on the ground joking “flag on the play, excescive roughness”. For an entire mouth after that whenever I saw the LP, I would just go “Goldberrrrrrg, Goldberrrrrrg, Goldberrrrrg, Goldberrrrrrrrg” in honor of that filthy spear. That spear completely made up for the first thief treating the LP's ankles like how Asa Akira would' be treated in a male prison. Disgustingly Violated
TL;DR
-A thief steals from store constantly, comes in one day with 2nd thief
-LP catches up with dude
-Thief violates the LP's ankles
-LP forgot to buy insurance from Kobe
-First thief gets away
-2nd thief not so lucky
-LP retains the title, Who's Next?
did an NTer write harlem shake story btw??
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Rusty on point with the metaphors. Doing the harlem shake in front of the LP 
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oops, needed to add some extra commas in there lol.
I meant SMH @ them, i wouldnt have any mercy on them either. I was expecting OP to state that they were adolescents, however they turned out to be mature adults (supposedly)
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All I can imagine now is some little self-important security dude getting hype on the counter like Ultimate Warrior does on the ropes.
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Son said Supermarket Sweep doe.
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rusty's stories
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I seen him at the Sprint store next to the Dominoes and the Chinese spot...remember ****** tellin me how weird he is and all the questionable **** he had on his phone smh, that boy had some sugar in his tank
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p4l, that rusty manuscript 
RustyShackleford
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Here are all the stories I posted
The Chipolte Story
The Roommate Story
Mom & Son Story
The "Rape" Story
Pedigree Story
Shake and Spear Story
The Chipolte Story
Here is a repost of my story from the awkward moments thread, technically happen at my job:
I 'm driving back to my office from a conference, to pick my **** up before heading home for the weekend. Superivosr calls and ask me to pick something up from Chipotle for her. I say cool, but I see my girl calling me so I tell her I'll call her back when I get to the restaurant, in like 10 mins.
Me and my chick haven't seen each other the entire week so we're catching up, I get to the restaurant and park. I continue talking to by girl and lose track of time. Since we haven't smashed in a while she tells me she'll meet me at my place to catch up on things . We start talking **** to each other, funny sexual crap. But after a while my girl's phone drops the call. Couple seconds later the phone rings. I pick up right away thinking it's my girl. Supervisors name is Marylyn, GF's name is Marilyn, the convo goes something like this:
Me: "Imma f the sheet outta your fine *** *** soon has I get there, my meat is already swole"
Supervisor: Ummmmmm, you at the restuarant yet?
Long Silence
More Silence
More Silence
Me: You wanna burrito or a bowl
Supervisor: bowl
Me: what kinda meat, um, I mean, chicken or steak
Supervisor: Chicken
Silence
SIlence
Me: Called back from your cell?
Supervisor: Yep
Me: I see, I see.....What kinda beans?
I 'm driving back to my office from a conference, to pick my **** up before heading home for the weekend. Superivosr calls and ask me to pick something up from Chipotle for her. I say cool, but I see my girl calling me so I tell her I'll call her back when I get to the restaurant, in like 10 mins.
Me and my chick haven't seen each other the entire week so we're catching up, I get to the restaurant and park. I continue talking to by girl and lose track of time. Since we haven't smashed in a while she tells me she'll meet me at my place to catch up on things . We start talking **** to each other, funny sexual crap. But after a while my girl's phone drops the call. Couple seconds later the phone rings. I pick up right away thinking it's my girl. Supervisors name is Marylyn, GF's name is Marilyn, the convo goes something like this:
Me: "Imma f the sheet outta your fine *** *** soon has I get there, my meat is already swole"
Supervisor: Ummmmmm, you at the restuarant yet?
Long Silence
More Silence
More Silence
Me: You wanna burrito or a bowl
Supervisor: bowl
Me: what kinda meat, um, I mean, chicken or steak
Supervisor: Chicken
Silence
SIlence
Me: Called back from your cell?
Supervisor: Yep
Me: I see, I see.....What kinda beans?
The Roommate Story
This is another repost from the "grimmiest things ever done to you thread", didn't really happen at the job but it involved someone from work:
Frist job out of high school was at a retail store, I was 18. There was a damn sexy cashier that work there who I was crazy about, she was 24, and had 2 kids. We started chillin, but never did anything, I tried though. She would always say she wanted to take things slow. Me being anxious to smash was me showing my age/immaturity and was a turn off. On Saturday afternoons after work I would always drive her home. Even though I been inside her place other times she never let me come inside on Saturdays because he said her kids where home and did not want to bring another man around before she knew it was something serious. I didn't care cause that explanation made sense in my young mind. She claimed to live with just a roommate and her 2 kids. Baby's father is a bum and out the picture, she claims to be single.
If I didn't drop her home, or at her other job, her homegirl used to pick her up from work. She tells me that's her roommate. So one night I drop her off and she tells me her roommate needs a ride to her cause the car is in the shop. I say cool no problem. And she says her roommate is watching the kids and would need time to change so it might take a while for her to come out. Still I say cool no problem.
So I'm in the car waiting for her roommate to come out. My head is down reading a book. when I hear the car door open. I look up at sitting there is the biggest, blackest, most Anthony Mason looking dude I have ever seen. And homegirl is outside the car looking freshly smashed. They kiss goodbye and I'm like >: . Then she smiles and waves to me and says something like "Bye, thanks, your the greatest "brother" a girl could ask for" . So now I gotta give drive this gangsta looking Terry Crews to work, which is 30 mins out the way. While we're talking in the car I find out that's the kid's dad and homegirl told dude I was gay. Homeboy tells me he would never of guessed it cause I give off a "real !+@!+" vibe, but he been locked before so he knows how it is. I wanted to blow up her spot but I was scared out my mind of dude. So I never took my eyes off the road and made small talk the entire ride home. Didn't even tell dude I wasn't gay
-I got one more wild job story, lemme know if you guys wanna hear it. Kinda long, it's about a 65 chick nearly raping me
Frist job out of high school was at a retail store, I was 18. There was a damn sexy cashier that work there who I was crazy about, she was 24, and had 2 kids. We started chillin, but never did anything, I tried though. She would always say she wanted to take things slow. Me being anxious to smash was me showing my age/immaturity and was a turn off. On Saturday afternoons after work I would always drive her home. Even though I been inside her place other times she never let me come inside on Saturdays because he said her kids where home and did not want to bring another man around before she knew it was something serious. I didn't care cause that explanation made sense in my young mind. She claimed to live with just a roommate and her 2 kids. Baby's father is a bum and out the picture, she claims to be single.
If I didn't drop her home, or at her other job, her homegirl used to pick her up from work. She tells me that's her roommate. So one night I drop her off and she tells me her roommate needs a ride to her cause the car is in the shop. I say cool no problem. And she says her roommate is watching the kids and would need time to change so it might take a while for her to come out. Still I say cool no problem.
So I'm in the car waiting for her roommate to come out. My head is down reading a book. when I hear the car door open. I look up at sitting there is the biggest, blackest, most Anthony Mason looking dude I have ever seen. And homegirl is outside the car looking freshly smashed. They kiss goodbye and I'm like
>: . Then she smiles and waves to me and says something like "Bye, thanks, your the greatest "brother" a girl could ask for" . So now I gotta give drive this gangsta looking Terry Crews to work, which is 30 mins out the way. While we're talking in the car I find out that's the kid's dad and homegirl told dude I was gay. Homeboy tells me he would never of guessed it cause I give off a "real !+@!+" vibe, but he been locked before so he knows how it is. I wanted to blow up her spot but I was scared out my mind of dude. So I never took my eyes off the road and made small talk the entire ride home. Didn't even tell dude I wasn't gay-I got one more wild job story, lemme know if you guys wanna hear it. Kinda long, it's about a 65 chick nearly raping me
Mom & Son Story
Before I type the rape story, there is one from my time at Sports Authority
One night during the weekday this mom and her like 11-13 years old son walk into the store near closing. When she walks in I tell her "Miss the store closes in 5 mins", her reply "I don't care, the store can't close with me inside, so I guess you close when I say so". She just didn't care, but told the manager that she was going to pay by credit card, so he let her shop since they could still count the money
Her son was a character. I have never seen a kid so polite to everyone he talked to, yet so rude to his mom. Moms and him were just trading cheap shot insults like they were Martin and Pam. I helped them buy a cup for the kid. Ole girl straight up said, "You got a smaller size, my son won't be able to fill this thing out, not with his tiny lil thing" . But the son didn't miss a beat though, the mom was kneeling to see the sizes of the cups on the bottom rack, so he responds with something along the lines of "Is being on your knees in front of a tall black guy with a jock strap in your hand bringing back memories mom".
Anyway bout 15-25 mins later I hear the mom and son arguing at the back of the store. I ignore it at first, until I hear the mom shout my name a couple of times.When I get there I find the mom with her hands up and the son holding a BB handgun, pointing it at her. He took it off the wall and had broke open the packaging. And I'm talking the ones that look like a real handgun and fire metal pellets, plus they're at close range so it can do some damage.
So now I'm back there with my hands up like it's a stick up. I tell him "bro don't do it, gimmie the gun". Lil man was heated though, he wasn't hearing none of that, his response was "Rusty this is none of your business, I got no problem with you". At this moment a co-worker walks by and sees me with my hands up, plus the kid with the gun, so he breaks out laughing. Me seeing him laughing makes me realize how stupid of a situation this is so I start laughing. The kid then realizes he is being stupid so he lowers the gun. At that point the moms starts laughing too, but fires off one more insult at the kid, like calling him stupid.
BIG MISTAKE
BIG F-ING MISTAKE
The kid starts to unload on his mom. I didn't even know the kid load the gun and put a CO2 cartiage in the thing. Hell, I didn't really know how to do it myself. The first shot catches the mom right next to her eye, and he just continues to light the lady up. One in her back, in her arm, in her butt. She was getting shot so much it looked like homegirl was doing the Dougie. I was ducking behind cover, word to Marcus from Gears of War. After a while moms just forgets about her shopping cart and bolts for the door. The son gives chase, while he keeps shooting. The mom nearly breaks down the door because the entrance door was locked and she had to run to the last exit door to the far right. Last I saw of them they were running through the parking lot
TL;DR
-Scumabg mom comes into store with son
-Mom and son insult each other constantly
-They get into an argument
-Son pulls a pellet gun on mom
-Mom insults kid one more time
-Son keeps it #3HUNNA
One night during the weekday this mom and her like 11-13 years old son walk into the store near closing. When she walks in I tell her "Miss the store closes in 5 mins", her reply "I don't care, the store can't close with me inside, so I guess you close when I say so". She just didn't care, but told the manager that she was going to pay by credit card, so he let her shop since they could still count the money
Her son was a character. I have never seen a kid so polite to everyone he talked to, yet so rude to his mom. Moms and him were just trading cheap shot insults like they were Martin and Pam. I helped them buy a cup for the kid. Ole girl straight up said, "You got a smaller size, my son won't be able to fill this thing out, not with his tiny lil thing"
. But the son didn't miss a beat though, the mom was kneeling to see the sizes of the cups on the bottom rack, so he responds with something along the lines of "Is being on your knees in front of a tall black guy with a jock strap in your hand bringing back memories mom". Anyway bout 15-25 mins later I hear the mom and son arguing at the back of the store. I ignore it at first, until I hear the mom shout my name a couple of times.When I get there I find the mom with her hands up and the son holding a BB handgun, pointing it at her.
He took it off the wall and had broke open the packaging. And I'm talking the ones that look like a real handgun and fire metal pellets, plus they're at close range so it can do some damage. So now I'm back there with my hands up like it's a stick up.
I tell him "bro don't do it, gimmie the gun". Lil man was heated though, he wasn't hearing none of that, his response was "Rusty this is none of your business, I got no problem with you". At this moment a co-worker walks by and sees me with my hands up, plus the kid with the gun, so he breaks out laughing. Me seeing him laughing makes me realize how stupid of a situation this is so I start laughing. The kid then realizes he is being stupid so he lowers the gun. At that point the moms starts laughing too, but fires off one more insult at the kid, like calling him stupid. BIG MISTAKE
BIG F-ING MISTAKE
The kid starts to unload on his mom. I didn't even know the kid load the gun and put a CO2 cartiage in the thing. Hell, I didn't really know how to do it myself. The first shot catches the mom right next to her eye, and he just continues to light the lady up. One in her back, in her arm, in her butt. She was getting shot so much it looked like homegirl was doing the Dougie. I was ducking behind cover, word to Marcus from Gears of War. After a while moms just forgets about her shopping cart and bolts for the door. The son gives chase, while he keeps shooting. The mom nearly breaks down the door because the entrance door was locked and she had to run to the last exit door to the far right. Last I saw of them they were running through the parking lot
TL;DR
-Scumabg mom comes into store with son
-Mom and son insult each other constantly
-They get into an argument
-Son pulls a pellet gun on mom
-Mom insults kid one more time
-Son keeps it #3HUNNA
The "Rape" Story
Ok brahs there is the “rape” story. Bare with me because it I gotta set up the event because if just told you guys what went down, you probably won't believe me. Sorry for it being so long
Here is the background, sets up what happened in the store.
Now the grand finale. The store manager was my homeboy so he hooked up my schedule and pay rate. He gets transferred, and the new boss has me on some BS, so I decide to quit. I don't tell ole girl until my very last day at the job, a Friday night. I tell her I'm not coming over cause I quit and I don't have to come in on the Saturday morning, and I ain't gonna be making those Tuesday runs anymore. She gets pissed, and starts giving me attitude for not telling her earlier. Anyway she had bought a big office desk because the last one broke, plus some other furniture. I told her I would pay for delivery and assembly for her, but she instead comes to the store with a pick up truck, demanding her stuff. We talk, she calms down, and I think everything is cool.
Now her **** is in the stock room, which is now filled with pallets because deliveries got backlogged. I gotta grab multiple heavy pieces of furniture all by myself since the store is a little busy. So I'm back there struggling, climb metal shelves (like the ones in Home Depot) to get all her stuff. She demands everything right now because if I don't she'll tell the store manager I've been delivering **** for her which is technically stealing. And I know the ***** *** security guard would file charges on me, so I'm a little shook. Also the old lady been pretty good to me, so I'm working like a slave to get her merchandise.
I get almost everything except one box. I can't get it from the front so I try the back of the rack. Now there are two huge steel metal racks (going up to the ceiling) back to back, will a space in between. At one en the is another huge metal rack closing off one end. So it is like a narrow hallway with a dead end. For the life of me I can't get the last box. I tell ole girl, she gets pissed, she says she wants the damn thing. I say come see for yourself. Now we are not suppose to bring customers to the stock room but I don't care at this point and I want to shut this woman up.
So we are back there, I show her the box. She says I need to find a way. She starts climbing rack, I'm trying to stop her, and pull her down off the rack. She was wearing a skirt to and it was getting hiked up with her trying to get the last box. I dunno if it was my hands being on her but ole girl started to get hot. Started bending over down in front of me, trying to rub up against me in the narrow space. Mine you there is **** all in this walk space like crates of sodas and misc. crap. So I don't want her getting hurt and me causing a lawsuit on my last day. Finally she breaks a nail, and notices she got dust all over herself, so she says she is going to the bathroom. I tell stay outside the stockroom, I'll find away, just don't come back there again, I got it.
While she is gone I notice that there is a duplicate of the box I'm trying to get on the ground, under the rack. So I'm on my knees pulling the box when I get a tap on my shoulder. Ole girl was back, she had forgot her high heels back there and came back for them. I noticed she wasn't wearing her pantyhose anymore but didn't think anything of it. So as I'm pulling the box and we're talking. I'm apologizing for not being able to help her around her house anymore, and she is saying she'll miss me. Enitre time I'm looking straight down. All of a sudden Ole girl tells me something like “I cut my knee, look”, so I think of “Damn!” and look up. This bish got her leg propped up on a box, legs wide open, no panties on. Brahs the yambs are fully exposed, and dem thangs were past expiration date :x
So I'm like “damn”, and quickly look away. But curiosity killed the cat and I look back out the corner of my eye. Real talk her box looked like Jabba the Hun flipped sideways. That box was beaten word to Rahzel. If I had to compare the yambs to a pair of shoes, it's like the pair of kicks your dad uses to cut the lawn, it was in that sort of condition. The thing was such a sight I lost myself, and was steering straight on at it for a couple seconds. When I finally caught myself I acted like nothing happened and now I just wanted to get outta there. Ole girl was giving zero dambs at this point, talking that “like what you see...” talk. I wanted out, so I pull the box out, hoisted it up into my arms so that I'm cradling it with two arms. It is so big I can't see forward, I can only look down at the down to try and navigate outta the walk space.
When I said, “ok I got the box, I'm out”. Ole girl must haved snapped, she knew this was the last time she would see me and her last chance at the D, so she took it. All of a sudden I feel her hands undo my belt and she grabs a fist full of penor. I mean homegirl got my balls and shaft in a vice grip. I got this heavy *** box holding so all I can do is tell her to stop and do the Di*K Slang Dance in an attempt to free myself. Now I won't lie, I dunno if was because I was a horny *** 20 year old or she sprinkled something of my D but my general started to salute. This made her even more turned on. Before you know it I felt a cool breeze on my tip, my schlong is now fully whipped out. The Di*k slang ain't working, she's holding on for dear life.
After a couple seconds I feel her start stroking it, I say “Hell Naw” and do the only thing I could think of. I dropped the box. BIG MISTAKE. My penor was positioned in such a way that while it made her let go, the box caught a lot of my shaft. Bending it down and making it recoil gliding along the box on it's way up. So the shaft got hit, then the tip got a small friction burn on the recoil up the box. Also my penor is now cover in dust from the box. I instantly drop down to the floor gripping Lil Rusty in pain and trying to dust off the shaft.
You would think she would be done but Nahhhhhh. She then pulls up her skirt and mounts me like her name is GSP, and while doing she pins both my arms between my legs. She is trying to kiss me and I'm cursing at this chick to get off me. I didn't want to shout because I didn't want to be found back there, penor out, with an old chick with no draws on straddling me. So did the only thing you do when someone is pinning you down and your hands aren't free, I buck like crazy. So start bucking like I'm one of those bulls of ESPN2, trying to get the bish off of me, but her top control was on point. Now it looks even worse because it really looks like we are smashing from a far. This lady was riding me like X-Pac. Furthermore this lady is telling me is to stop being a lil btich, and I know I want it.
With the bucking my penor started to get a little firm again. I mean, forgive him lord, for lil Rusty does not know what he does. With that situation I start to feels the inside of her thighs on Lil Rusty and I might have grazed the box a couple times. It feels like my dong was rubbing against a Brillo Pad. :x And I'm scared that it might slip in, it's a long shot but I've hit 3 one in holes in my lifetime (by age 20
) so I knew I was good and making impossible shots happen. Thankfully finally I get a hand loose, push her away and execute Brazilian Jiu-jitsu hip escape and get free. I tuck Lil Rusty away and run outta there straight into the break room. Luckily no one was in there because I immediately start washing my D in the sink, used Ivory dish washing liquid and everything. Trying to get off the dust and spoiled yamb juice. :x
I waited in the break room for like half and hour too. Didn't want to face my attacker. She got another dude to get her ****, and was waiting in the parking lot for me. I didn't even go to my car that night, took the metro all the way back to MD, came back in the morning and to pick up my car. Found and apology letter from the her. I called her that morning for me to pick up my **** from her house (some work clothes, tools and pair of shoes), and had her put in on the sidewalk for me. She left a second letter in the shoes talking about on second thought she not sorry, I lead her on. I got several phones from her afterwards, always leaving messages offering up the yambs and some top whenever I wanted.
One night I was stuck in VA and I called her desperate
. After talks we which a CBA, that for me to get a ride and to sleep over I had to make out with her and get domed up. Thankfully my homeboy made the trek from B-More to all the way to VA, and scooped me at the final hour. I buy the same dude COD every year as a show of appreciate for what he saved me from that night. 
TL;DR
-Meet old black chick at job
-Start doing odds jobs for her, and crashing at her place one night a week
-She fiends for some D
-I never give it to her
-Suddenly quit and tell her we'll never see each over again
-She goes Roethlisberger on me
-Trys to forcibly take the D
Here is the background, sets up what happened in the store.
I was working at a Office Depot in VA. I lived in Maryland and it was a 1-1.5 hour commute but I was getting paid $5 more an hour that what I was getting at my previous job so I took it and made the drive.
One afternoon I met this older black lady, cool lady, real funny, cursed a lot. I sold her a computer table , printer, and some other **** for her home offide. She wanted to save money on delivery cost, so me being the hustler that I am I said I'll take bring your **** to your after work house for half the delivery and assembly cost (since it was on my way home, but doing this was a major no-no. I could get fired for such acts). I told her to keep it on the hush. She agreed on the condition that she drove my car to her house and I drive her's after work, I agreed. I was all about making money, any money, back then.
Now after work I drive to the house, nice townhouse. I take the stuff out my car, and put together the computer desk. Now homegirl sees I'm handy so she starts pointing **** out she wants fixed in her house. That leads so us making an arrangement that I would come by ever Tuesday to fix ****. She would pay me $80 every time I showed up. Now thinking back that was a ****** deal for her. It was always around a hour-hour and a half of work, and it was basic handy man or fixing computer stuff.
This arrangement does on for weeks, every Tuesday. One Friday night I had to drop of a shredder at her house. It was like 12 am when I got to her house and I had to be back at work for 8 the next morning. In pasting I tell her I going to stay at a motel for the night to save myself losing the 3 hours of sleep. She insist I crash on the couch. I say nah at first but I was dead tired, so I agreed. It becomes the usual thing, leave work Friday, sleep over, go to work early Saturday.
This is where the relationship takes a turn. She was always touchy feely but I always framed our friendship and either business or mother- son type thing to her. She would always make sex jokes, but nothing really bad. But now I was constantly hearing **** about how wild she was in her day. She even told me a story of how she meet Bill Clinton at a fundraiser diner, and Bill split the game so proper she offer to top him off in the back. She said Bills first reply was “Where's Hill, oh she's right there, not tonight”. Slick Willy . Homegirl was 59 but look good for her age, and up until menopause, she was bad as ****. I saw pics of her in her 40s, sexy and fuark.
Overtime her sleep clothes transform. First from pajamas, then it turns into her just wearing a wife beater (no bra) and panties to bed. Once again I was seeing that I was cleared for landing but there was no way I was landing my jet on that beat up old runway. During this time I started to holla at this sexy *** Ethiopian chick working at Bestbuy. After a while, we were smashing on the regular, so the routine turns into leave work on Friday night, drop my Ethiopian chick home, smash her, go to the old lady's house, and crash for the night. Ole girl didn't find out I was smashing the young thing until one night she saw the condoms on the coffee table and I might of thought tonight was the night. And since I damn sure didn't try anything with her, she put two and two together.
So time goes by the old lady is feeding me, paying me big money for really mostly my company (see worked from home), walking around half naked in front of me, telling me how much she miss her youth when she would run through dudes left and right and opening up her home to me. And I don't give her the one thing she wants, some D. And to throw salt in the wound I don't sleep there all the time after a while, half the time I sleep at the Ethiopian chick's house.
One afternoon I met this older black lady, cool lady, real funny, cursed a lot. I sold her a computer table , printer, and some other **** for her home offide. She wanted to save money on delivery cost, so me being the hustler that I am I said I'll take bring your **** to your after work house for half the delivery and assembly cost (since it was on my way home, but doing this was a major no-no. I could get fired for such acts). I told her to keep it on the hush. She agreed on the condition that she drove my car to her house and I drive her's after work, I agreed. I was all about making money, any money, back then.
Now after work I drive to the house, nice townhouse. I take the stuff out my car, and put together the computer desk. Now homegirl sees I'm handy so she starts pointing **** out she wants fixed in her house. That leads so us making an arrangement that I would come by ever Tuesday to fix ****. She would pay me $80 every time I showed up. Now thinking back that was a ****** deal for her. It was always around a hour-hour and a half of work, and it was basic handy man or fixing computer stuff.
This arrangement does on for weeks, every Tuesday. One Friday night I had to drop of a shredder at her house. It was like 12 am when I got to her house and I had to be back at work for 8 the next morning. In pasting I tell her I going to stay at a motel for the night to save myself losing the 3 hours of sleep. She insist I crash on the couch. I say nah at first but I was dead tired, so I agreed. It becomes the usual thing, leave work Friday, sleep over, go to work early Saturday.
This is where the relationship takes a turn. She was always touchy feely but I always framed our friendship and either business or mother- son type thing to her. She would always make sex jokes, but nothing really bad. But now I was constantly hearing **** about how wild she was in her day. She even told me a story of how she meet Bill Clinton at a fundraiser diner, and Bill split the game so proper she offer to top him off in the back. She said Bills first reply was “Where's Hill, oh she's right there, not tonight”. Slick Willy
. Homegirl was 59 but look good for her age, and up until menopause, she was bad as ****. I saw pics of her in her 40s, sexy and fuark.Overtime her sleep clothes transform. First from pajamas, then it turns into her just wearing a wife beater (no bra) and panties to bed. Once again I was seeing that I was cleared for landing but there was no way I was landing my jet on that beat up old runway. During this time I started to holla at this sexy *** Ethiopian chick working at Bestbuy. After a while, we were smashing on the regular, so the routine turns into leave work on Friday night, drop my Ethiopian chick home, smash her, go to the old lady's house, and crash for the night. Ole girl didn't find out I was smashing the young thing until one night she saw the condoms on the coffee table and I might of thought tonight was the night. And since I damn sure didn't try anything with her, she put two and two together.
So time goes by the old lady is feeding me, paying me big money for really mostly my company (see worked from home), walking around half naked in front of me, telling me how much she miss her youth when she would run through dudes left and right and opening up her home to me. And I don't give her the one thing she wants, some D. And to throw salt in the wound I don't sleep there all the time after a while, half the time I sleep at the Ethiopian chick's house.
Now the grand finale. The store manager was my homeboy so he hooked up my schedule and pay rate. He gets transferred, and the new boss has me on some BS, so I decide to quit. I don't tell ole girl until my very last day at the job, a Friday night. I tell her I'm not coming over cause I quit and I don't have to come in on the Saturday morning, and I ain't gonna be making those Tuesday runs anymore. She gets pissed, and starts giving me attitude for not telling her earlier. Anyway she had bought a big office desk because the last one broke, plus some other furniture. I told her I would pay for delivery and assembly for her, but she instead comes to the store with a pick up truck, demanding her stuff. We talk, she calms down, and I think everything is cool.
Now her **** is in the stock room, which is now filled with pallets because deliveries got backlogged. I gotta grab multiple heavy pieces of furniture all by myself since the store is a little busy. So I'm back there struggling, climb metal shelves (like the ones in Home Depot) to get all her stuff. She demands everything right now because if I don't she'll tell the store manager I've been delivering **** for her which is technically stealing. And I know the ***** *** security guard would file charges on me, so I'm a little shook. Also the old lady been pretty good to me, so I'm working like a slave to get her merchandise.
I get almost everything except one box. I can't get it from the front so I try the back of the rack. Now there are two huge steel metal racks (going up to the ceiling) back to back, will a space in between. At one en the is another huge metal rack closing off one end. So it is like a narrow hallway with a dead end. For the life of me I can't get the last box. I tell ole girl, she gets pissed, she says she wants the damn thing. I say come see for yourself. Now we are not suppose to bring customers to the stock room but I don't care at this point and I want to shut this woman up.
So we are back there, I show her the box. She says I need to find a way. She starts climbing rack, I'm trying to stop her, and pull her down off the rack. She was wearing a skirt to and it was getting hiked up with her trying to get the last box. I dunno if it was my hands being on her but ole girl started to get hot. Started bending over down in front of me, trying to rub up against me in the narrow space. Mine you there is **** all in this walk space like crates of sodas and misc. crap. So I don't want her getting hurt and me causing a lawsuit on my last day. Finally she breaks a nail, and notices she got dust all over herself, so she says she is going to the bathroom. I tell stay outside the stockroom, I'll find away, just don't come back there again, I got it.
While she is gone I notice that there is a duplicate of the box I'm trying to get on the ground, under the rack. So I'm on my knees pulling the box when I get a tap on my shoulder. Ole girl was back, she had forgot her high heels back there and came back for them. I noticed she wasn't wearing her pantyhose anymore but didn't think anything of it. So as I'm pulling the box and we're talking. I'm apologizing for not being able to help her around her house anymore, and she is saying she'll miss me. Enitre time I'm looking straight down. All of a sudden Ole girl tells me something like “I cut my knee, look”, so I think of “Damn!” and look up. This bish got her leg propped up on a box, legs wide open, no panties on. Brahs the yambs are fully exposed, and dem thangs were past expiration date :x
So I'm like “damn”, and quickly look away. But curiosity killed the cat and I look back out the corner of my eye. Real talk her box looked like Jabba the Hun flipped sideways. That box was beaten word to Rahzel. If I had to compare the yambs to a pair of shoes, it's like the pair of kicks your dad uses to cut the lawn, it was in that sort of condition. The thing was such a sight I lost myself, and was steering straight on at it for a couple seconds. When I finally caught myself I acted like nothing happened and now I just wanted to get outta there. Ole girl was giving zero dambs at this point, talking that “like what you see...” talk. I wanted out, so I pull the box out, hoisted it up into my arms so that I'm cradling it with two arms. It is so big I can't see forward, I can only look down at the down to try and navigate outta the walk space.
When I said, “ok I got the box, I'm out”. Ole girl must haved snapped, she knew this was the last time she would see me and her last chance at the D, so she took it. All of a sudden I feel her hands undo my belt and she grabs a fist full of penor. I mean homegirl got my balls and shaft in a vice grip. I got this heavy *** box holding so all I can do is tell her to stop and do the Di*K Slang Dance in an attempt to free myself. Now I won't lie, I dunno if was because I was a horny *** 20 year old or she sprinkled something of my D but my general started to salute. This made her even more turned on. Before you know it I felt a cool breeze on my tip, my schlong is now fully whipped out. The Di*k slang ain't working, she's holding on for dear life.
After a couple seconds I feel her start stroking it, I say “Hell Naw” and do the only thing I could think of. I dropped the box. BIG MISTAKE. My penor was positioned in such a way that while it made her let go, the box caught a lot of my shaft. Bending it down and making it recoil gliding along the box on it's way up. So the shaft got hit, then the tip got a small friction burn on the recoil up the box. Also my penor is now cover in dust from the box. I instantly drop down to the floor gripping Lil Rusty in pain and trying to dust off the shaft.
You would think she would be done but Nahhhhhh. She then pulls up her skirt and mounts me like her name is GSP, and while doing she pins both my arms between my legs. She is trying to kiss me and I'm cursing at this chick to get off me. I didn't want to shout because I didn't want to be found back there, penor out, with an old chick with no draws on straddling me. So did the only thing you do when someone is pinning you down and your hands aren't free, I buck like crazy. So start bucking like I'm one of those bulls of ESPN2, trying to get the bish off of me, but her top control was on point. Now it looks even worse because it really looks like we are smashing from a far. This lady was riding me like X-Pac. Furthermore this lady is telling me is to stop being a lil btich, and I know I want it.
With the bucking my penor started to get a little firm again. I mean, forgive him lord, for lil Rusty does not know what he does. With that situation I start to feels the inside of her thighs on Lil Rusty and I might have grazed the box a couple times. It feels like my dong was rubbing against a Brillo Pad. :x And I'm scared that it might slip in, it's a long shot but I've hit 3 one in holes in my lifetime (by age 20
) so I knew I was good and making impossible shots happen. Thankfully finally I get a hand loose, push her away and execute Brazilian Jiu-jitsu hip escape and get free. I tuck Lil Rusty away and run outta there straight into the break room. Luckily no one was in there because I immediately start washing my D in the sink, used Ivory dish washing liquid and everything. Trying to get off the dust and spoiled yamb juice. :xI waited in the break room for like half and hour too. Didn't want to face my attacker.
She got another dude to get her ****, and was waiting in the parking lot for me. I didn't even go to my car that night, took the metro all the way back to MD, came back in the morning and to pick up my car. Found and apology letter from the her. I called her that morning for me to pick up my **** from her house (some work clothes, tools and pair of shoes), and had her put in on the sidewalk for me. She left a second letter in the shoes talking about on second thought she not sorry, I lead her on. I got several phones from her afterwards, always leaving messages offering up the yambs and some top whenever I wanted. One night I was stuck in VA and I called her desperate
. After talks we which a CBA, that for me to get a ride and to sleep over I had to make out with her and get domed up. Thankfully my homeboy made the trek from B-More to all the way to VA, and scooped me at the final hour. I buy the same dude COD every year as a show of appreciate for what he saved me from that night. TL;DR
-Meet old black chick at job
-Start doing odds jobs for her, and crashing at her place one night a week
-She fiends for some D
-I never give it to her
-Suddenly quit and tell her we'll never see each over again
-She goes Roethlisberger on me
-Trys to forcibly take the D
Pedigree Story
Here is one of many stories about the wild Lost Prevention Guy (LP) that used to work at Sports Authority with me
A mom and daughter come into the store pushing a baby in a stroller (there is really a baby in it). I know the girl, went to HS with her, she says she needs help with shoes. So I ask one of the other dudes to help her since that ain't my section. About 15 mins past and I she this chick sprinting up the isle pushing the baby stroller. She ducks into one of the side isles without saying a word to me. About 30 secs later the Lost Prevention (LP) comes running up asking if I seen a girl with a stroller. I say yeah she just went that way and he says "find her, she stole some shoes and she got it hiding in the stroller"
So it wasn't long until he caught up to her at the front of the store. Now this is where things get interesting. As soon as he eyes her the mom who was in on the theft comes running up. They are right next to the exit doors, each to close enough that he could catch one, but far enough away he can't catch both. Associates and managers aren't allowed to help in captures.This is a strict, strict company policy. Now the LP got the a decision to make, mom or daughter. Since the daughter had the baby he goes for the mom.
He catches the mom easily just outside the store and is holding her, trying to drag her back into the store. She is fighting him like crazy, calling him all kinds of M-Fers. Now he is telling her to calm down but like most women that are worked up, she doesn't. Then she starts hitting him, he tells her stop, but she doesn't. She is throwing haymakers at this point, kinda lighting dude up too. But homeboy's chin was Ava Devine sturdy so he was eating them like a champ. Finally he gets her in a half nelson. Homegirl is squirming like crazy. Eventually gets herself turned around facing the LP. She then proceeds to fire off a knee to towards his bawls.
BIG MISTAKE
LAWD O' LAWD BIG MISTAKE
In one smoove motion homeboy grabs her arms while she is still facing him and it was "time to play the game" word to HHH. The LP then executes a mean Pedigree on his bish.
For the brahs who don't know what a Pedigree is, peep these fools getting dropped on their heads
Ole girl hits the concrete with some force but doesn't get knocked out. She is now rolling on the down riving in pain. Lucky for the LP she didn't get cut or seriously hurt. A old white lady saw the whole thing and was telling the LP "how could you do that to a lady". Homeboy's response was "This ain't no lady" . Plus when the mom sued (I mean who wouldn't), the tape showed her attacking him first show they deemed the Pedigree self defense. Dude now works for DC police
TL;DR
-Mom and daughter come into store to steal
-LP catches mom lets daughter escape
-Mom decides she wants to play the Game
-Mom gets turned up
-LP turns her back down
-LP is the new WWE champ
A mom and daughter come into the store pushing a baby in a stroller (there is really a baby in it). I know the girl, went to HS with her, she says she needs help with shoes. So I ask one of the other dudes to help her since that ain't my section. About 15 mins past and I she this chick sprinting up the isle pushing the baby stroller. She ducks into one of the side isles without saying a word to me. About 30 secs later the Lost Prevention (LP) comes running up asking if I seen a girl with a stroller. I say yeah she just went that way and he says "find her, she stole some shoes and she got it hiding in the stroller"
So it wasn't long until he caught up to her at the front of the store. Now this is where things get interesting. As soon as he eyes her the mom who was in on the theft comes running up. They are right next to the exit doors, each to close enough that he could catch one, but far enough away he can't catch both. Associates and managers aren't allowed to help in captures.This is a strict, strict company policy. Now the LP got the a decision to make, mom or daughter. Since the daughter had the baby he goes for the mom.
He catches the mom easily just outside the store and is holding her, trying to drag her back into the store. She is fighting him like crazy, calling him all kinds of M-Fers. Now he is telling her to calm down but like most women that are worked up, she doesn't. Then she starts hitting him, he tells her stop, but she doesn't. She is throwing haymakers at this point, kinda lighting dude up too. But homeboy's chin was Ava Devine sturdy so he was eating them like a champ. Finally he gets her in a half nelson. Homegirl is squirming like crazy. Eventually gets herself turned around facing the LP. She then proceeds to fire off a knee to towards his bawls.
BIG MISTAKE
LAWD O' LAWD BIG MISTAKE
In one smoove motion homeboy grabs her arms while she is still facing him and it was "time to play the game" word to HHH. The LP then executes a mean Pedigree on his bish.
For the brahs who don't know what a Pedigree is, peep these fools getting dropped on their heads
Ole girl hits the concrete with some force but doesn't get knocked out. She is now rolling on the down riving in pain. Lucky for the LP she didn't get cut or seriously hurt. A old white lady saw the whole thing and was telling the LP "how could you do that to a lady". Homeboy's response was "This ain't no lady"
. Plus when the mom sued (I mean who wouldn't), the tape showed her attacking him first show they deemed the Pedigree self defense. Dude now works for DC police TL;DR
-Mom and daughter come into store to steal
-LP catches mom lets daughter escape
-Mom decides she wants to play the Game
-Mom gets turned up
-LP turns her back down
-LP is the new WWE champ
Shake and Spear Story
DJ Voice: NEW RUSTY!!!!
There is another LP story. Sorry for the length but it is like 2 stories in one. Like I said before, I could go one about the LP for days. Wild M-fer
There was this one guy who always used to steal from the store. The LP is not there everyday so dude got us a couple times when the LP was out and another time out ran the LP to escape. Employees in the shoe and apparel section had a pic of him, and everyone was on high alert if homeboy came back in. So one late afternoon the thief comes back in with one of his homeboys.
They split up, one heads for shoes, the regular thief for Northfaces. At that time our Northface jackets were not locked down, anyone could take one off the rack and try it on. The thief does just that, takes off his jacket, put on the Northface, puts his jacket back on top of it. An apparel associate spots dude coming out the dressing room and immediately runs to get the LP. Another apparel associate being an idiot goes over the PA system and says “Security to the Northfaces”
The LP wanted to sneak up on dude but *** soon as that announcement went over the store it was like the Ultimate Warrior's music hit. LP comes sprinting out his camera room to the front of the store. He knows the thief must now be on high alert. The LP stops right at the front of the store, looking around to see where dude is and how he could cut him off. The clothing section is set up in such away that there are clothes at either side and one big aisle down the middle. The dude stealing the jacket is in the aisle, all the way at one end and LP is at the other end in the front of the store.
LP wasn't subtle, thief sees him run up. They make eye contact, and it was like and Old Western Duel, both of them knew it was on. What happens next to this day might be the greatest thing I ever witnessed. The dude stealing starts sprinting toward the LP. Even the LP was shocked, he doesn't know what to do at first but quickly squares up and crotches like he is guarding a ball handler. So the thief is sprinting at full speed toward the LP. I think he is trying to run the LP over but homeboy had other plans
The dude gets within feet of the LP and stops on a dime, some real Barry Sander type sheet. Hits the LP with a mean juke/jab step. The LP takes the bait and gets shook hard, even customers checking out are like “Ooooohhhhhh”. But homeboy was just checking to see if the LP would bite, word to Iverson crossing up MJ. The dude squares back up, lets the LP set his feet and hit him with two more filthy jukes. LP takes the bait again and it looks like the LP is playing a game of hopscotch after the second jukes. At this point the customers are “ohh and ahh” like they in Rucker Park. The LP is grabbing for the dude but only coming up with air. LP's legs are now doing what now looks like a callabo between a Crip Walk and the Stanky Legg. To finish off the LP the thief takes two steps backwards to avoid the LP's arms. Then Harlem Shakes in front the LP for a good couple seconds. The shoulder motion of the Harlem Shake makes the LP get his roll on, word to the Big Tymers. Then the thief hits a slick duck under like Mayweather in the pocket and he is out, off to the races
After that the LP falls forward, his ankles were shaking more than Muhammad Ali during a earthquake (forgive me lord ), he falls right into a table filled with Under Armour shirts. The crowd goes wild like they just seen Hot Sauce violated someone's ankles. Real talk if we had recorded that **** we could have sold it as “The Sports Authority Mixtape Vol. 1” at the front of the store and put the LP's asz on a bus for the summer. It was that filthy brahs. LP needed to see a Podiatrist after that that one.
The LP is pissed, his is a dude that got pride for days, he gets up immediately and gives chase to the dude who was already going out the door. LP is chases the dude out the door, through the street and is giving chase through the parking lot. I run outside to get a better look at things, I can't get in trouble since I'm off the clock and I couldn't miss what the LP would do if he caught him. This was after witnessing the Pedigree, so I knew the LP left all dambs at home when he came to work
LP is fast so he is gaining on thief . The thief looks over his shoulder and sees this. As thief is running he takes off the his jacket. Looks back one more time, and then throws it in the air ahead of him. At first I had no ideal what the hell he was doing. Like was the jacket slowing him down or something? Little did I know that the thief was a graduate of the League of Shadows, and knew more tricks than me. The jacket goes up into the air and lands right on top the LP's head, blinding him.
The LP struggles for a couple seconds of get the jacket off, and those seconds were precious. LP kept on running while the jacket was on his head so he misses his step and trips over one of those concrete islands they got in parking lots. He falls forward and hits a minivan that was slowly driving through a road separating the fist parking lot from a second one. The LP completely wipes out, but like I said homeboy got so much pride he is trying to get right away. He's having problems now because the jacket, trip, and car hit made him completely lose his barrings. The thief sees the state the LP is in and knows he is home safe, so he starts acting like Dion Sanders returning a punt in Primetime. High stepping, looking back, taunting the LP. Dude reaches the end of second parking lot and there is a four lane road at the end. The LP spots the dude, and knows the highway is cutting him off so he gets up and continues to give chase. The LP didn't know one thing, that the thief also gave no dambs. Dude turns back, flips the LP off, beats his feet for a couple seconds (Real talk homeboy was acting like Go-Go music was playing), and runs into the street, into 4 lanes of traffic. Homeboy had no regard for human life, word to Kevin Harlan. Not even his own.
I'm standing at the edge of the first parking lot. The LP is now at the end of the second one. We both think dude is done for, a car is gonna take him out. LP is kinda freaking out because if dude gets hit, that's his ***.. Homeboy must have had Lightweight Pro and Marathon Pro equipped because he makes it across the street untouched. But like I said, dis thief was Ra's ah Ghuled trained. And he is beating his feet from across the street. And from what I can see, he is battling the LP from across the street. Pretending to take LPs heart and kicking a field goal with it.......By the looks of it the FG was good, btw.
I'm wilding out at this point. I run back into the store to tell everyone what happened. The LP is standing across the street cursing at dude, waiting for a break in traffic, this what he's doing when I leave. Now when I get back to the store I'm excited to tell my homeboy what happened but the store was busy while I'm gone. The dude the 1st thief came in with was still in the store. And he was grabbing ****, shoes, and coats . He got a box cutter in his hand so everyone is staying away. The manager called the police but everybody is just looking shaking their heads. Homeboy thought the LP was gone, the 1st thief had given him a run for the LP's money so he ain't worried. My coworker said it looked like homeboy though he was on a episode of Supermarket Sweep. He is just finishing up and getting ready to leave as I get back
The store got double doors, you go through the first door and there is a vestibule where we display seasonal products, then the second exit door. It being the holiday season, game table were being displayed, specifically poker tables (this fact will play a key role is a couple seconds). Now this dude has won, he beat the system. He should have cut his loses earlier. While he is leaving the store, going through the entrance door, an Asian guy and his little kid are coming in. The Asian guys is holding the door open, at first I think it is for the 2nd thief , but then I notice the Asian guy looking back, and he got this weird look on his face. He keeps holding the door and suddenly I see him try to grab his son and try to pull the kid out of the doorway.
The thief is out the first door but he turns back to mock us and shout out his street/neighborhood/set.
BIG MISTAKE
MY NIGS, BIG MISTAKE
The 2nd thief must have been a Victor Ortiz fan because he forgot the golden rule, protect yourself at all time. Suddenly I see the LP flying through the air, over the lil Asian Kid and his dad who is bent over trying to pick the kid up. LP nails the 2nd thief flush with a Jon Lynch type tackle, straight into the poker table . The LP was Terry Tate and the thief didn't refill the coffee. Poker table shatters, chips go flying everywhere. Asian dad is like “Hell Naw”, grabs his son and he is out. LP gets up and his celebrating like it was 4rd & Goal and he just make a sack. And after getting the Smackdown laid upon him, the thief pops up right away, but his legs where Zab Judah wobbly and he falls right back down on his face. To add insult to injury LP is beating his feet mocking the thief like the 1st one did to him (homeboy was from Eastern Europe so it looks like a wild River Dance), then picks up a couple chips and sprinkles it on top of homeboys face before slapping the cuffs on him.
Me and the other associate that saw the spear are wilding out. We are throwing **** on the ground joking “flag on the play, excescive roughness”. For an entire mouth after that whenever I saw the LP, I would just go “Goldberrrrrrg, Goldberrrrrrg, Goldberrrrrg, Goldberrrrrrrrg” in honor of that filthy spear. That spear completely made up for the first thief treating the LP's ankles like how Asa Akira gets treated in a gangbang. Disgustingly Violated
TL;DR
-A thief steals from store constantly, comes in one day with 2nd thief
-LP catches up with dude
-Thief violates the LP's ankles
-LP forgot to buy insurance from Kobe
-First thief gets away
-2nd thief not so lucky
-LP retains the title, Who's Next?
There is another LP story. Sorry for the length but it is like 2 stories in one. Like I said before, I could go one about the LP for days. Wild M-fer
There was this one guy who always used to steal from the store. The LP is not there everyday so dude got us a couple times when the LP was out and another time out ran the LP to escape. Employees in the shoe and apparel section had a pic of him, and everyone was on high alert if homeboy came back in. So one late afternoon the thief comes back in with one of his homeboys.
They split up, one heads for shoes, the regular thief for Northfaces. At that time our Northface jackets were not locked down, anyone could take one off the rack and try it on. The thief does just that, takes off his jacket, put on the Northface, puts his jacket back on top of it. An apparel associate spots dude coming out the dressing room and immediately runs to get the LP. Another apparel associate being an idiot goes over the PA system and says “Security to the Northfaces”
The LP wanted to sneak up on dude but *** soon as that announcement went over the store it was like the Ultimate Warrior's music hit. LP comes sprinting out his camera room to the front of the store. He knows the thief must now be on high alert. The LP stops right at the front of the store, looking around to see where dude is and how he could cut him off. The clothing section is set up in such away that there are clothes at either side and one big aisle down the middle. The dude stealing the jacket is in the aisle, all the way at one end and LP is at the other end in the front of the store.
LP wasn't subtle, thief sees him run up. They make eye contact, and it was like and Old Western Duel, both of them knew it was on. What happens next to this day might be the greatest thing I ever witnessed. The dude stealing starts sprinting toward the LP. Even the LP was shocked, he doesn't know what to do at first but quickly squares up and crotches like he is guarding a ball handler. So the thief is sprinting at full speed toward the LP. I think he is trying to run the LP over but homeboy had other plans
The dude gets within feet of the LP and stops on a dime, some real Barry Sander type sheet. Hits the LP with a mean juke/jab step. The LP takes the bait and gets shook hard, even customers checking out are like “Ooooohhhhhh”. But homeboy was just checking to see if the LP would bite, word to Iverson crossing up MJ. The dude squares back up, lets the LP set his feet and hit him with two more filthy jukes. LP takes the bait again and it looks like the LP is playing a game of hopscotch after the second jukes. At this point the customers are “ohh and ahh” like they in Rucker Park. The LP is grabbing for the dude but only coming up with air. LP's legs are now doing what now looks like a callabo between a Crip Walk and the Stanky Legg. To finish off the LP the thief takes two steps backwards to avoid the LP's arms. Then Harlem Shakes in front the LP for a good couple seconds. The shoulder motion of the Harlem Shake makes the LP get his roll on, word to the Big Tymers. Then the thief hits a slick duck under like Mayweather in the pocket and he is out, off to the races
After that the LP falls forward, his ankles were shaking more than Muhammad Ali during a earthquake (forgive me lord
), he falls right into a table filled with Under Armour shirts. The crowd goes wild like they just seen Hot Sauce violated someone's ankles. Real talk if we had recorded that **** we could have sold it as “The Sports Authority Mixtape Vol. 1” at the front of the store and put the LP's asz on a bus for the summer. It was that filthy brahs. LP needed to see a Podiatrist after that that one. The LP is pissed, his is a dude that got pride for days, he gets up immediately and gives chase to the dude who was already going out the door. LP is chases the dude out the door, through the street and is giving chase through the parking lot. I run outside to get a better look at things, I can't get in trouble since I'm off the clock and I couldn't miss what the LP would do if he caught him. This was after witnessing the Pedigree, so I knew the LP left all dambs at home when he came to work
LP is fast so he is gaining on thief . The thief looks over his shoulder and sees this. As thief is running he takes off the his jacket. Looks back one more time, and then throws it in the air ahead of him. At first I had no ideal what the hell he was doing. Like was the jacket slowing him down or something? Little did I know that the thief was a graduate of the League of Shadows, and knew more tricks than me. The jacket goes up into the air and lands right on top the LP's head, blinding him.
The LP struggles for a couple seconds of get the jacket off, and those seconds were precious. LP kept on running while the jacket was on his head so he misses his step and trips over one of those concrete islands they got in parking lots. He falls forward and hits a minivan that was slowly driving through a road separating the fist parking lot from a second one. The LP completely wipes out, but like I said homeboy got so much pride he is trying to get right away. He's having problems now because the jacket, trip, and car hit made him completely lose his barrings. The thief sees the state the LP is in and knows he is home safe, so he starts acting like Dion Sanders returning a punt in Primetime. High stepping, looking back, taunting the LP. Dude reaches the end of second parking lot and there is a four lane road at the end. The LP spots the dude, and knows the highway is cutting him off so he gets up and continues to give chase. The LP didn't know one thing, that the thief also gave no dambs. Dude turns back, flips the LP off, beats his feet for a couple seconds (Real talk homeboy was acting like Go-Go music was playing), and runs into the street, into 4 lanes of traffic. Homeboy had no regard for human life, word to Kevin Harlan. Not even his own.
I'm standing at the edge of the first parking lot. The LP is now at the end of the second one. We both think dude is done for, a car is gonna take him out. LP is kinda freaking out because if dude gets hit, that's his ***.. Homeboy must have had Lightweight Pro and Marathon Pro equipped because he makes it across the street untouched. But like I said, dis thief was Ra's ah Ghuled trained. And he is beating his feet from across the street. And from what I can see, he is battling the LP from across the street. Pretending to take LPs heart and kicking a field goal with it.......By the looks of it the FG was good, btw.
I'm wilding out at this point. I run back into the store to tell everyone what happened. The LP is standing across the street cursing at dude, waiting for a break in traffic, this what he's doing when I leave. Now when I get back to the store I'm excited to tell my homeboy what happened but the store was busy while I'm gone. The dude the 1st thief came in with was still in the store. And he was grabbing ****, shoes, and coats . He got a box cutter in his hand so everyone is staying away. The manager called the police but everybody is just looking shaking their heads. Homeboy thought the LP was gone, the 1st thief had given him a run for the LP's money so he ain't worried. My coworker said it looked like homeboy though he was on a episode of Supermarket Sweep. He is just finishing up and getting ready to leave as I get back
The store got double doors, you go through the first door and there is a vestibule where we display seasonal products, then the second exit door. It being the holiday season, game table were being displayed, specifically poker tables (this fact will play a key role is a couple seconds). Now this dude has won, he beat the system. He should have cut his loses earlier. While he is leaving the store, going through the entrance door, an Asian guy and his little kid are coming in. The Asian guys is holding the door open, at first I think it is for the 2nd thief , but then I notice the Asian guy looking back, and he got this weird look on his face. He keeps holding the door and suddenly I see him try to grab his son and try to pull the kid out of the doorway.
The thief is out the first door but he turns back to mock us and shout out his street/neighborhood/set.
BIG MISTAKE
MY NIGS, BIG MISTAKE
The 2nd thief must have been a Victor Ortiz fan because he forgot the golden rule, protect yourself at all time. Suddenly I see the LP flying through the air, over the lil Asian Kid and his dad who is bent over trying to pick the kid up. LP nails the 2nd thief flush with a Jon Lynch type tackle, straight into the poker table . The LP was Terry Tate and the thief didn't refill the coffee. Poker table shatters, chips go flying everywhere. Asian dad is like “Hell Naw”, grabs his son and he is out. LP gets up and his celebrating like it was 4rd & Goal and he just make a sack. And after getting the Smackdown laid upon him, the thief pops up right away, but his legs where Zab Judah wobbly and he falls right back down on his face. To add insult to injury LP is beating his feet mocking the thief like the 1st one did to him (homeboy was from Eastern Europe so it looks like a wild River Dance), then picks up a couple chips and sprinkles it on top of homeboys face before slapping the cuffs on him.
Me and the other associate that saw the spear are wilding out. We are throwing **** on the ground joking “flag on the play, excescive roughness”. For an entire mouth after that whenever I saw the LP, I would just go “Goldberrrrrrg, Goldberrrrrrg, Goldberrrrrg, Goldberrrrrrrrg” in honor of that filthy spear. That spear completely made up for the first thief treating the LP's ankles like how Asa Akira gets treated in a gangbang. Disgustingly Violated
TL;DR
-A thief steals from store constantly, comes in one day with 2nd thief
-LP catches up with dude
-Thief violates the LP's ankles
-LP forgot to buy insurance from Kobe
-First thief gets away
-2nd thief not so lucky
-LP retains the title, Who's Next?
Last edited:
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^ How does the Roethlesburger girl look?
RustyShackleford
Supporter
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She was a decent looking 59 year old lady. Was a dime in her prime, but those days are long gone
Last edited:
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Rusty you mean Victor Ortiz no? Anyways, funny *** story.
RustyShackleford
Supporter
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- Jul 20, 2009
Yeah, Ortiz, the boxer. My bad
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