I am still alive

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powerballin

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Today I am alive.  I should be happy. I should be inspired. I should be excited.  I should be motivated.

Today I am alive.  I have family.  I have friends.  I am healthy.  I have food.  I have shelter. 

Today I am alive.  And yet I don't want to be.  I don't care for tomorrow.  I don't care for next week, next month, or next year.  I don't care for yesterday.  The past and future are the same to me.  Neither matters.  I am just here.....today.

-1/22/13

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Last Monday night I wrote that and then proceeded to take prescription pills and drink rum until the job was done.  I was officially done with living.  I wanted out.  I was tired. The thought of tomorrow made me almost physically sick.  I just sat on the floor in complete darkness listening to Mood Muzik and Beanie Sigel while every memory of my life from childhood to the present passed through my head.  All my family, friends, experiences, etc.  I wasn't angry or scared.  I felt at peace and just continued to drink and drink.  And that's all I can remember.

I woke up laying in my own vomit and spilled alcohol everywhere.  I couldn't even move.  I just layed there.  My head and my stomach felt so bad. I can't even explain the feeling it was like I got stabbed in the stomach.  My mouth was so dry it hurt. I couldn't even stand up I could only crawl down the hall and into the bathroom.   I just crawled into the bath tub and turned on the water with my face under the facet.  I tried to drink....every swallow hurt.  I just let the water run over my mouth and face.  The water made me sick and I threw up again right in the tub.  Laying there I pushed the tab to turn on the shower with my foot.  After about 10 mins of laying in the shower I rolled out the tub and hobbled to the sink.  For some reason I just wanted to see myself.

To my surprise when I looked in that steamy mirror I seen somebody else.  I didn't see the unhappy, uninspired, deflated person I came to know.  I seen a fresh face.  I seen a familiar face.  Somebody who used to want to conquer the world and actually believe he could.  At that moment I wiped the mirror to see clearly and look him in the eyes.  And he looked back at me and said "You are still here". And all I could do was smile and then laugh.  While it hurt like hell I was laughing. 

Today I am here.  I am still alive.  I am happy.  I am inspired.  I am excited.  I am motivated

Today I am still alive.  I still have family.  I still have friends.  I am healthy.  I have food.  I have shelter

Today I am still alive.  And I love life.  I love myself.  I can't wait until tomorrow.  I am planning for next week, next month, and next year.  I value yesterday.  The past and future will tell my story and my life matters.  I am still here.

Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom before you can come up.  Remember you were born alone and you will die alone.  You and only you can ensure happiness or peace of mind.  Love yourself. 
 
241077
 
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I actually read the first part...thinking that line a little ways down was for his sig. Then I lol'd and type this reply.
 
 
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Yo man you seriously need to talk to a therapist, you need to air out your frustrations with someone who can help you and guide you.
 
i don't know you but i've always believed in you (if this is truthgetsbusy)

i hope you can face and conquer your demons.

glad you're all right.
 
As a former addict I can relate to this type of feeling, I'm glad you finally had your moment of clarity, it usually takes something really awful to happen in order to realize you have people that do really care about you and want you to get better..

I've put my shotgun in my mouth and contemplated killing myself one day that I was withdrawing from heroin, I thought about my little brother or my mom walking in and finding me with my brains splattered..and changed my mind, it took me maybe 2 years after that incident for me to get better and realize that that I had people that cared about me who never gave up on me even after I gave up on myself a long time ago..


I also accept your truce..and you can PM me if you ever need to talk.

It takes guts to admit something like this, and I wish you the best.
 
You guys believe this?

So gullible. It's obviously a story.

story or not, you never know what the next man is going through.

it doesn't take much to wish someone well.

you never know how a simple action can affect someone, so i'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

got to be positive :smile:

:smh:

Disappointed in you son. This is PB we're talking about here.
 
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