went its just a rough day at work i usually try to go to BJJ and either strangle or get strangled. for me its such a humbling experience and numbs the worries of that day.
anything over a week i usually lock down and dont talk to anyone for a few days, weeks, months. This goes for work, friends, loved ones. i go from happy and trying to make everyone smile to completely stoic and dead in the eyes. usually... I abandon all my hobbies, exercises, passions. i just exist.
I went through the worst work experience of my life from November 2019 - May 2020. I was sleeping about 3 hours a day, waking up every 20-40 minutes in a panic. Working a 15-17 hour shift plus an hour drive each way, i would sometimes need to pull over on the side of the road or in a parking lot to catch some sleep. I did this 6-7 times a week depending on rotation. i completely locked myself down in my head. Gained 80 pounds in weight, lost all my close friends, lost the desire to even keep going. I was existing, not living. this time around i decided it was time to resort to the "big guns" so i found weed comforting to fall asleep. after a while i substituted green for alcohol, i contribute this to spiraling further out of control. every night had to be capped off with a few drinks to settle down.
I ultimately quit in May of last year. i knew that if i didn't leave i would probably have a heart attack or stroke before the age of 30 at that rate, or fall asleep behind the wheel and die. i told three people in the building that i was resigning, didn't tell my team i was leaving until the day of, and they had my position filled in less that 6 days before my final day. Really showed me how much that company cared for me. Quite a few people reached out once they caught wind of my resignation and told me to take it back. all of the problems were confirmed caused by my direct supervisor, and he was ultimately terminated a few months after i left. he went through 5 assistant managers in less than three months. I know i wasnt the only one, but the nature of my position caused me to receive the punishment and pain the worst.
Ive taken this time to self reflect and really understand what is important to me before the end comes. I was going to travel for a year, foolishly thinking that this pandemic was going to be over a little sooner. since that hasnt happened ive been focusing on regaining my health. stopped drinking for a few months, working out, but its such a long road ahead. i dont know if im ready some days, its still difficult. it took me about 2 months to get back into a more normal 6 hour sleep cycle. my life has been up and down since then. work is hard to come by, and some days really drag. but its just one foot in front of the other. im on a good streak as of late.
thank you for this thread. i feel better