A guy who knows nothing about sneakers ranks all 33 from worst to first

[NCtwin]

I didn't write this, but it should be intersting...


From CBS Sports:

As much as I love sports fashion, I know almost next-to-nothing about sneaker culture -- including the insanely popular world of Air Jordans. I know people love them and go absolutely nuts over them, camping out for releases and paying absurd prices for rare Jordans on the resale market, but that's about it.

However, not knowing about a topic has never stopped me from discussing it with total authority, and that's not about to change. The latest edition of the most famous sneaker in sports -- the Air Jordan 33 -- arrives in stores on Thursday. As such, I am thrilled to present to you with my definitive, very informed and very important ranking of every Air Jordan ever made.

Sneakerheads, Please leave all complaints on CBS Sports' MySpace page, while all positive feedback will be welcome at @peteblackburn on Twitter.

All images courtesy of Nike

33. Air Jordan XVI (2000-2001)

Nike
Cool Batman suit; where's the rest of it?

32. Air Jordan XV (1999-2000)

Nike
This is an anvil, not a shoe.

31. Air Jordan XIX (2003-2004)

Nike
What the hell is that design in the front? Is that a fencing mask? A bluetooth speaker? Will it strain my pasta? I need answers.

30. Air Jordan XIV (1998-1999)

Nike
I can only assume this sneaker is worn exclusively by people who have motorcycle jackets but no motorcycle.


29. Air Jordan 2010 (2010)

Nike
The first-ever sneaker that you can speak into and order fast food.

28. Air Jordan XXI (2005-2006)

Nike
This one seems like it might look like a Jackson Pollock if placed under a blacklight.

27. Air Jordan XIII (1997-199

Nike
Maybe it's just me but I can't not see a crocodile's face when I look at this. I'm honestly not sure if that's good or bad.

26. Air Jordan 2009 (2009)

Nike
I just can't get past the green thing on this one. It looks like the indicator that hovers over selected characters in "The Sims." This is a Sims shoe.

25. Air Jordan XX3 (2008-2009)

Nike
This is the ugly Christmas sweater of sneakers.

24. Air Jordan XXX (2015-2016)

Nike
This thing is straight out of a "Black Mirror" episode and I hate it so much.

23. Air Jordan XVII (2001-2002)

Nike
OK, just kidding -- THIS thing is straight out of a "Black Mirror" episode and I hate it so much.


22. Air Jordan XVIII (2002-2003)

Nike
This shoe is a kid who goes to parties but just does weird stuff by himself in the corner. Everyone else is having a good time and he's trying to cast spells and crap.

21. Air Jordan X (1994-1995)

Nike
All these vertical lines remind me of that arcade game where you have to shoot the clown's teeth out.

20. Air Jordan XX8 (2013)

Nike
Listen, I have enough trouble remembering to zip up my fly as it is. I don't need to have to remember to zip up my shoes too.

19. Air Jordan XII (1996-1997)

Nike
This one is so boring that I can't even think of a clever way to roast it.

18. Air Jordan XX2 (2007-200

Nike
Business in the front, supporting the troops in the back.

17. Air Jordan II (1986-1987)

Nike
The design of the black part at the bottom makes it seem like this sneaker is trying so hard to be a dress shoe, which it is clearly not. Just be yourself, man.


16. Air Jordan IX (1993-1994)

Nike
I'm finding it hard to care about this shoe.

15. Air Jordan III (1987-198

Nike
I feel like this could be a really nice-looking shoe if it wasn't wearing bondage straps.

14. Air Jordan XX9 (2014)

Nike
This one is neat because they scaled the logo to match your mom's iPhone font size.

13. Air Jordan XX (2004-2005)

Nike
Does that red ankle attachment mean that this shoe is decaf?

12. Air Jordan 2011 (2011)

Nike
This shoe got the stone man disease from "Game of Thrones." RIP.

11. Air Jordan V (1989-1990)

Nike
Congrats on being the only pair of Jordans with a flame decal that was ripped off a minivan.

10. Air Jordan XXX1 (2016)

Nike
The perfect shoe for any nerd who can't decide between Spider-Man and Venom.


9. Air Jordan VI (1990-1991)

Nike
This sneaker feels like it probably has a much hotter twin sibling. Like, it's not bad looking, but you can only see it as the worse-looking version of something else.

8. Air Jordan I (1984-1985)

Nike
I have a sneaking feeling that someone is going to try to fight me for ranking these so low.

7. Air Jordan 2012 (2012)

Nike
The Storm Trooper 3s.

6. Air Jordan XXXII (2017)

Nike
The Darth Maul 6s.

5. Air Jordan IV (1988-1989)

Nike
I feel like this one actually might be a Transformer in disguise but it's hot regardless.

4. Air Jordan XXX3 (201

Nike
If you took the sensuality of a saxophone and turned it into a sneaker, this would be what it looked like.


3. Air Jordan XI (1995-1996)

Nike
Obviously, I have no idea what a classic pair of Jordans looks like, but I feel like this is probably a classic pair of Jordans.

2. Air Jordan VII (1991-1992)

Nike
I may not know anything about Jordans but I know a lot about the 90s, and these were most certainly made in the 90s. That is most certainly a compliment.

1. Air Jordan VIII (1992-1993)

Nike
I would wait in line for hours and/or get beaten up for a pair of these.

 

[SC kid]

 

[RustyShackleford]

Sees #33 ranked model.....already heated.

 

[you go boy]

that list dont make sense but at the same time he knows nothing about sneakers so i get it...im just glad he had the xi as top 3 because it deserves to be top 3...

 

[JRepp23]

Some of the guys quotes were a little funny, some were lame. I saw this earlier today and it really is an interesting take on opinions. In some cases, it may be the truest form because there is no biased opinion based of nostagia or popularity. So many like the XI because its an "XI". Same with the 3 and several others. While I disagree A LOT lol, with his rankings it was interesting discussion because in my time there are so many shoes I hold very high that so many think are ugly as hell.

 

[sneak king]

OP...Why are you here? -_- I'm more mad at myself for making it all the way to the end of your list....but I'm plenty mad at you for putting this together. LOL!...But seriously.

 

[Bert.]

XVII should def not be ranked last


trash list though especially have VIII and VII 1st and 2nd

 

[NCtwin]

OP...Why are you here? -_- I'm more mad at myself for making it all the way to the end of your list....but I'm plenty mad at you for putting this together. LOL!...But seriously.

But...I didn't write this...

 

[Aquamanjay_]

I think it’s messed up jordan brand made those samples of the 5,7, and 2 but never dropped them lol. The 8 is my favorite, therefore this list is fine. Y’all are right about some Jordans being held high by Jordan fans exclusively lol

 

[worldwidepmp]

I think it’s messed up jordan brand made those samples of the 5,7, and 2 but never dropped them lol. The 8 is my favorite, therefore this list is fine. Y’all are right about some Jordans being held high by Jordan fans exclusively lol

Yeah, I smiled a little at the 8s being no. 1.

 

[JRepp23]

Show the same 33 pics to 100 diff people that know nothing about Air Jordan, no list will be the exact same. Thats whats cool if you think about it.

 

[Air Champa]

I think it's interesting to hear a casual person's opinion on Jordans.

I remember showing a non-sneakerhead friend my Space Jams in 2016. They were unimpressed to say the least

 

[JRepp23]

I know its almost impossible for most of us. But if we took MJ, our childhood nostalgia and memories. And what we know as "classic jordans" out of our minds and concentrate just on the design itself. How different would all of OUR lists be?

 

[toneloc2002]

List and quotes at the bottom are straight comedy lol

 

[Air Champa]

I really wish someone would explain what 13s were supposed to be to him after the "crocodile's face" comment.

 

[whoaitsgee]

I find it interesting to see it ranked from someone who isn’t in this culture and i honestly love his logic behind it lol.


Ranking the 8, first overall isn’t a reach IMO. It’s always been underrated and it’s a beautiful design.

 

[whoaitsgee]

Jordan XIV (Last Shots)

“I can only assume this sneaker is worn exclusively by people who have motorcycle jackets but no motorcycle”

 

[Vile.in.Va]

Ot was amusing. And its insane theyre are some many jordans ive never even seen!

 

[SteveSteve72]

This is stupid. Instead of giving honest opinion of each shoe he just makes a dumb joke about them

 

[tatayniDarna]

This is stupid. Instead of giving honest opinion of each shoe he just makes a dumb joke about them

well he admitted he knows nothing about the sneaker culture and he’s critiquing each model exactly how someone who’s ignorant about the subject matter would.

 

[JRepp23]

This is stupid. Instead of giving honest opinion of each shoe he just makes a dumb joke about them

Yeah, he does. And it some what discredits the article. But the idea still is intriguing.

 

[Aquamanjay_]

I know its almost impossible for most of us. But if we took MJ, our childhood nostalgia and memories. And what we know as "classic jordans" out of our minds and concentrate just on the design itself. How different would all of OUR lists be?

That’s how I formed my opinions. I got the 2008 solecollector that had 1-22. I knew what the 1,3,17 and 18 were since i had them already, but the book showed me everything. I Picked which I liked best. 8s, 7s, then 4s and 12s. I liked the 2s too. It’s funny, when I tell people my favorites, they just say I’m trying to be different or counter. Nah, I actually saw most Jordans as a whole at once, and picked lol. I remember a kid almost popped a vein trying to tell me how crazy I was back then for not liking the then hyped 2006 Grape 5s.

 

[Aquamanjay_]

I know its almost impossible for most of us. But if we took MJ, our childhood nostalgia and memories. And what we know as "classic jordans" out of our minds and concentrate just on the design itself. How different would all of OUR lists be?

That’s easy, most of the top 14 spots would be 1-14. Top 3 would vary between 1, 3, and 11. Last 15-33 spots would be 15-34. 15 would be last if the 2010 isn’t lol

Jordan fans lists aren’t that hard to predict.

 

[JRepp23]

My list of favorite "designs" would def conflict with a lot of others.

 

[tonytobacco]

Well...

He isnt wrong

lol

Also, notice how he said the 33s look like a saxophone. I said a few days ago they looked like Jazz music.
We're best friends now.