1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the #$@*!!* deed to Trump Towers...what the @!$* do you want me to do, grow another !*@@!?!? It's a #@@!%*' dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already. 2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-!$%, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on yourhard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...@!$* you. 3) You with the thick-!$% jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh? 4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. 5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just thatone dollar. Yes, you. 6) No I will not just let you "slip it in real quick" for $50 more bucks. 7) Yeah, my **** are real. As real as my affection for you. If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-!$% who can cum in their pants from a lapdance. 9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club Iwouldn't even fart your way. 11) Stop b*tching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all, your breath ranks (what'd you have for dinner, garlic and $#++?), you'reabout 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I don't give a $#++. 12) Don't +%%!% at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does. 13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income. 14) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. !$%. 15 )Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because youwant to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any. 16) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!! 17) "So what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance with guys in dark pants. 1 STOP trying to grab my ****!!!!!!! That's extra. 19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty @!$*! 20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxiousperfume before our dance. 21) Hey cheapasses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to "Desperate Housewives" instead. It will save us a both a lot ofunpleasantry. 22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that's why. 23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle. 24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you stupid %%!*$#@@!#@+! 25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite. 26) I can see it's your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the dynamics to you. If you want a @!$* or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks. Hot girlsdon't have to do "extra services." I can give you some recommendations for a small fee. 27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your *+%+ like a baby on a knee. Not okay. 2 Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the #$@*!!* maxi-single to me. 29)Yes I will @!$* you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more. 30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It's like me going to PETA looking for a steak. 31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of stalep&*%^. 32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't know all the words. 33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size. 34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell likelapdance funk. 35) Hey DJ! You suck! 36)Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semisemi-meaningful. That #$@*!!* dancing llama on your !$% is so lame. 37)Girls--some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are, you #$@*!!* weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men, or Bjork. Forthe love of God, Please. Getting at ya'll bball short wearers in the strip club.