Anderson Varejao Admits He’s Been Playing Drunk All This Time

[iceman3699]

 

[sirius lee handsome]

Originally Posted by Big J 33

Originally Posted by PersiaFly

So is this just a rip off of what the Onion does?

Except the Onion is clever and funny.

This is correct.

 

[westcoastsfinest]

id take andy on the Lakers anyday...you can teach someone to shoot and pass but you cant teach hustle...hes just that hate him if hes not on your team and love him if he is

i know for a fact my man ronny is thizzin' before games

...dude definitely on it

 

[bangdak]

I know it was fake the second i saw +@%$ faced.




You would have to be really drunk, to admit that you were drunk

 

[shoegallery]

yea right i dont believe it at all ... but if he does thn let it be . IF hes really drunk i bet he plays really good . rebounds and blocks and is very consistent ,

 

[tommykairaa]

haha

 

[703flipfiend]

Had me going until the Mike Brown quote lol.

 

[youngcheezy]

u guys are haters the Brushback is hilarious

i remember i read something that said the Knicks are attempting to sign Zydrunas Ilgauskas in an effort to lure LeBron James

 

[youngcheezy]

hahahahah




INDIANAPOLIS--According to a report from Adam Schefter of NFL.com, several draft prospects were subjected to waterboarding during interview sessions at the league’s annual combine. The water-based torture allegedly took place during interviews with the Patriots, Giants, and Dolphins, Schefter reported.

Up to 17 prospects have come forward with claims and more may be forthcoming.
“Combine interview sessions are notoriously harsh and occasionally venture into the surreal,â€

 

[big j 33]

Like I said, Onion > * 

[h2][/h2]

[h2]Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game[/h2]
April 19, 2007 | Issue 43•16 | Onion Sports

[h2]Related Articles[/h2]

• Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call 11.10.09
• John Madden Reminds Viewers Of Importance Of Quarterback To NFL Teams 11.16.06

DALLAS—Baffled by Tim Duncan's unexpected sincerity in apologizing following a technical foul, NBA official Joey Crawford responded by issuing Duncan a second technical and ejecting him from the game. "I don't know what the hell he was trying to pull with that gentle tone of voice and that attitude of heartfelt honesty, but I wasn't about to fall for it," Crawford told reporters after being asked about reacting so strongly to Duncan's attempt at shaking hands and putting the incident behind them both. "I'm pretty sure Duncan was really saying he wanted to punch me." Following the game, Crawford was arrested for assault after attacking a concession-stand employee who gave him a free hot dog in what Crawford claims was an attempt to make him "look cheap."

[h2][/h2]

[h2]Mark McGwire Admits It Was Really !%!%#*@ Fun Hitting Baseballs So Far[/h2]
January 15, 2010 | Issue 46•02 Onion Sports

NEW YORK—Former St. Louis Cardinals slugger, onetime single-season home run record holder, and admitted steroid abuser Mark McGwire came clean Monday, confessing that it was really !%!%#*@ fun being able to hit baseballs so hard and far.

"I can't remember having a better time in all of my life," McGwire said during an hour-long interview with the MLB Network's Bob Costas. "Do you have any idea what it's like knowing instantly that a ball you hit is going to fly—no, soar—over a fence in a major-league stadium? Well, I do. And it's !%!%#*@ fantastic."

"I'm sorry everyone had a problem with it," McGwire added. "But I was having a blast."

Though McGwire told Costas there were times he almost regretted taking anabolic steroids, the former Oakland Athletics star said that, considering the tons of fun the performance-enhancing substances allowed him to have, he never thought twice about his decision.

"I was hitting baseballs over 450 feet," McGwire said. "That's really far. And high, too. Oh my God, were they high. Towering, in fact. I was, like, crushing these things."

According to McGwire, he had the most fun during the 1998 season, when he fired off 70 home runs and broke Roger Maris' single-season long-ball record. McGwire said he had the second-most fun the following year, when he hit 65 home runs, many of which, the giddy slugger proclaimed, "went for miles and miles."

However, a visibly emotional McGwire admitted that he had absolutely no fun in 1993 and 1994, when he was plagued by injuries and hit just nine home runs each season. At that time, the first baseman explained, the balls were either going high and not that far or traveling too low and not that hard.

"That was a drag. Don't get me wrong, just hitting the ball really high in the air can be cool sometimes, even if you get out," said McGwire, adding that it's enjoyable to watch a routine pop-fly that goes "way, way up there." "But I was getting out a lot during those years, so I had to do whatever was necessary to hit the ball really high, far, and hard all the time."

"High plus far plus hard equals big-time, serious fun," McGwire continued.

McGwire also said that his decade-long steroid abuse had little to do with gaining an edge on his competition and more to do with his observation of how players who didn't hit the ball very far were not enjoying the game.

"I would look at a guy like John Olerud just kind of hitting these dinky ground balls, and I would say to myself, 'No way this guy's having a good time,'" McGwire said. "All I know is, when I got up to the plate, the outfielders would back all the way up because I hit the ball so far. I really enjoyed that."

"I also liked hitting it over their heads," McGwire added while flexing his right bicep and then making a swinging motion with his arms. "Crack! Home run."

According to the three-time Silver Slugger Award winner, the fun he was having also seemed to make everyone else—including teammates, fans, and Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig—have fun while they watched his at bats.

McGwire said that the main thing he learned in his 16 years as a player was that people tend to be happier when players are hitting the ball really far.

"By their reactions, I just figured they were cool with me taking steroids and having a good time," McGwire said. "They clearly knew I was taking performance-en


hancing drugs, right? I mean, look at me. I look like a !%!%#*@ monster. Plus, come on—I was hitting the ball really, really !%!%#*@ far."

[h2]http://www.theonion.com/content/topics/Basketball[/h2] [h2]Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous[/h2]

March 9, 2010 | Issue 46•09 | Onion Sports

[h2]Related Articles[/h2]

• Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers 01.09.08
• Shaq Finds Mysterious Inscriptions Written On Basketball 03.26.09

DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" after a possession featuring quick-paced perimeter passing made him nauseous. "Oh jeez, I think I'm gonna throw up," said the nine-time all-star, who, using the team's second time-out, headed to the sidelines, where he dry-heaved between slow, small sips of Gatorade. "I think I should be okay. Just give me some room." Minutes later, Nowitzki ran into the locker room with his hand covering his mouth after a Jason Terry no-look pass to Shawn Marion.

[h2][/h2]

[h2]Tim Duncan Sends Belated 'Great Game' Card To Celtics For February Defeat[/h2]
March 6, 2008 | Issue 44•10 | Onion Sports

[h2]Related Articles[/h2]

• Kobe Bryant Demanding Things Again 05.31.07
• WNBA Apparently Giving It Another Shot 05.24.07

SAN ANTONIO—Weeks after the Spurs 98-90 loss to the Celtics on Feb. 10, power forward Tim Duncan sent personalized notes to each player on the Celtics roster, the entire coaching staff, the general manager, and owner, congratulating them for a "great game." "This would have gotten to you sooner if I had sent one card to the entire organization, but I felt that would diminish everyone's individual accomplishments," said Duncan, who sealed the envelopes with his personal crest embossed in wax. "I just wanted to let them know how much I appreciated everyone from the players to the front office. The Celtics did a splendid job, and I'm really proud of them." Although Duncan said he was conflicted as whether to write the notes using a pen or brush, he finally decided to use his favorite, a quill dipped in sable India ink, a time-consuming penmanship method that Duncan feels looks best on his heavy handmade paper.

[h2]Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex[/h2]
February 19, 2010 | Issue 46•07 Onion Sports

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love !%!%#*@ with all my heart."

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."

"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.

Saying that !%!%#*@ is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.

"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."

"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major #@@@ fest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old #*%% around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."

"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."

Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods' fans have also been supportive.

"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of !%!%#*@ 18 major babes at one time.

 

[eneyekayee]

[h2][/h2]

[h2]Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex[/h2]
February 19, 2010 | Issue 46•07 Onion Sports

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love %*$$**+ with all my heart."

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."

"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.

Saying that %*$$**+ is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.

"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."

"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major +%!# fest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old %@#% around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."

"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."

Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.

"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."

Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.

Woods' fans have also been supportive.

"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."

Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of %*$$**+ 18 major babes at one time.

WOW.

EDIT: Big J, edit out f_fest in your post.

 

[youngcheezy]

Woods To Wife: ‘Please Respect My Privacy in This Matter’
December 2 , 2009

THOUSAND OAKS, CA--Amidst of a flurry of embarrassing revelations about his alleged extra-marital affairs, golfer Tiger Woods went public today with a desperate plea for privacy. The plea, in the form of a written statement posted on his website, was addressed to his wife, Elin Nordegren.

“To my wife, Elin: Please respect my privacy in this delicate matter,â€

 

[uncalled4boy]

 

[notoriuswes]

damn got me

i read the last line like damnn wow

and

@ the tiger woods ones

 

[xxtowrxx]

him and Varejao whip it out and compare daily ...

 

[4thand10]

Not the most clever satire, probably due to the feasibility. Keon Clark...

 

[crazy dav0]

i read the first couple of sentences and looked for cliffnotes and then the responses ... had i kept going i prolly would have been fooled

 

[troutking]

wouldnt doubt it, dude is crazy

 

[bangdak]

these tiger woods ones are straight comedy