CollegeHumor's Roommate Confessions **Link now added**

114
10
Joined Aug 28, 2008
Some of the pranks are
while some of the others are just
but all still funny nonetheless. Anybody else read/post on it?
 
114
10
Joined Aug 28, 2008
fine fine, u guys win. heres a few. And no, i will not be doing no cliffnotes


Remember that party we had with the bonfire out back behind our house? When we ate all those Garlic Parmesan chicken wings before drinking? I rememberseeing you sitting on the back porch, all drunk, getting licked in the face & mouth by your beloved little beagle and giving her mouth-kisses. Little didyou know that five minutes before that, while you were inside, I took a huge weed-rip and started choking so bad I threw up all my chicken wings in the yard...which your dog promptly ate up. Did you taste 'em? I was glad to see the dog get a warm meal for once.
Greg Smith, Saint Louis University


Hey, roomie! Remember that time when I was away visiting my parents and you decided to invite my girlfriend over to our apartment just so you could tell herabout the time you caught me sleeping with a girl in your chem class? And about how I got gonorrhea from her. Then you proceeded to try to have "quickrebound" sex with her but she still took me back and refused your pitiful attempts. Yeah, well do you also remember that whole month where you woke upwith a mysterious rash? That wasn't from an allergy. Me and my girlfriend had been putting spiders in your pants while you slept for a month. Don't tryto steal my girlfriend.
H.K., Arizona St.

After listening to you bang various dbags at least once a week that always left their used condoms in our toilet, after the batteries kept disappearing fromour TV remotes because you were too lazy to go buy your own for your vibrator, and for constantly throwing your uneaten food in the toilet, plugging it up andleaving me to plunge it, instead of the trash can, I decided it was time to give you a taste of your own medicine. I left tuna casserole, clam chowder soup,and queso dip in the refrigerator until it was good and moldy, and dumped it in the toilet. I also threw in a couple used condoms from me and my boyfriend. Ilet it sit there for a couple hours until it stank up the bathroom, and then flushed the toilet, promptly plugging it up. I then lined the bathroom with yourfancy, plush towels and flushed the toilet again, causing it to overflow. When all the moldy tuna/clam/queso/semen water was soaked up by your beautifultowels, I unmade your bed and threw them all over your new high-thread count sheets that you were so proud of. I hope you enjoyed that. Have fun in Europe,@#%!$!
Allison P, School Not Given

At some point during the year my roommate decided it was cool to eat all my food. The only thing that ever remained untouched was canned tuna, so at the end offirst semester I bought a case that came with 24 cans. Seeing as how he'd left early for break, I put in for a room transfer, got it approved, thenunloaded the tuna everywhere -- in his dresser, pillow, desk drawers, and finally into the A/C unit which I then set on high heat to run continuously over thebreak. Life sure is sweet sometimes. Others it just smells of rotting tuna.
Jeremy Englehart, Winthrop

Remember over spring break my X-Box 360 magically broke even though I heard you confess to our other roommate that you dropped it? Well, I have been thinkingabout how to get you back and I finally did. You know how your family has that farm? And all of a sudden all of the pigs died and you and your family swore itwas the swine-flu? Well, it wasn't. I drove out to your farm and put anti-freeze in their water trough. That will teach you to break my X-Box and notreplace it.
Paul Ludowissi, UW-Oshkosh


link to rest rest here
 
942
14
Joined Aug 7, 2006
Remember when the spaghetti we had tasted funny. Remember when you thought you tweaked a nerve in your mouth because your mouth was all numb each morning. While you were rubbing it in that you had been hired for your dream job to your concurrent boyfriend, I heard you mention your mandatory drug test. I mixed three whole grams of cocaine into your toothpaste. I also put about an eighth of marijuana into our spaghetti. I know you called all your friends and family over the course of five days to rub it in that you found your dream job; paid summer travel, great salary, great benefits, they were even going to pay for grad school. I know you sold me your truck because you wanted to rub it in that they were giving you a company truck. I know you spent most of the money from the truck celebrating your new job in Homer with your "new" boyfriend last weekend. I know you quit your current job because you were starting the new one in two weeks. I know you own the house, but I pay the mortgage because your old dead end job didn't pay enough. I also know you cheated on me in the house we share. I know you lied when you told me you had cheated and said it was a one time deal. I know you used the condoms I bought. I know you still do, I poked holes in them. I also completely moved out while you were in Homer. I guess the cool thing about paying your mortgage was you never made me sign a lease. I am not going to sell your truck back to you; I'm not going to sell you back any of the furniture I bought. I know you are very confused why I disappeared thinking I had no idea you had been cheating for a while. I know they filled your old job because you told me blubbering and crying in the message you left me about how you miserably failed the drug test and lost your new job after one hour on the job, and you can't get your old one back. I was going to ask you to marry me in June. F**k you @%$%@, have fun with foreclosure.
-Cheated On


-waystinthyme
 
6,235
852
Joined Jul 26, 2006
Yea i read them joints every time they come out, some be hilarious but most of them are "kill your roommate" worthy.


I swear if some of these folks did crazy %##% like that to me there would be a murder at the school.
 
596
61
Joined Jan 8, 2009
Originally Posted by waystinthyme

Remember when the spaghetti we had tasted funny. Remember when you thought you tweaked a nerve in your mouth because your mouth was all numb each morning. While you were rubbing it in that you had been hired for your dream job to your concurrent boyfriend, I heard you mention your mandatory drug test. I mixed three whole grams of cocaine into your toothpaste. I also put about an eighth of marijuana into our spaghetti. I know you called all your friends and family over the course of five days to rub it in that you found your dream job; paid summer travel, great salary, great benefits, they were even going to pay for grad school. I know you sold me your truck because you wanted to rub it in that they were giving you a company truck. I know you spent most of the money from the truck celebrating your new job in Homer with your "new" boyfriend last weekend. I know you quit your current job because you were starting the new one in two weeks. I know you own the house, but I pay the mortgage because your old dead end job didn't pay enough. I also know you cheated on me in the house we share. I know you lied when you told me you had cheated and said it was a one time deal. I know you used the condoms I bought. I know you still do, I poked holes in them. I also completely moved out while you were in Homer. I guess the cool thing about paying your mortgage was you never made me sign a lease. I am not going to sell your truck back to you; I'm not going to sell you back any of the furniture I bought. I know you are very confused why I disappeared thinking I had no idea you had been cheating for a while. I know they filled your old job because you told me blubbering and crying in the message you left me about how you miserably failed the drug test and lost your new job after one hour on the job, and you can't get your old one back. I was going to ask you to marry me in June. F**k you @%$%@, have fun with foreclosure.
-Cheated On


-waystinthyme

Wow.. thats some serious %@%! over being cheated on.. I would have went to a certain extreme but not put coke in the cereal... Having people do coke withoutthem knowing is a no no to me, i seen that happen before from one "friend" to another "friend".. not some funny %@%!.
 
5,264
29
Joined Jan 19, 2000
Reading some of these makes me never want to even speak to another human being for fear of reprisal to some unseen slight.
 
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