Did I Just Did This...Vol. Cramp

2,426
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Joined Oct 31, 2010
I usually don't start many threads but I felt I must share something that happened today...

Some might laugh at this but I hope you guys know I'm lucky to be alive.

So today I did a light workout because I went hard yesterday and I decided to throw in some extra ab workouts because I was unable to ball. (I hoop daily so I often get withdrawal symptoms if I skip a day.)  A lot of things have been going good for me these days...new phone, new sunglasses, fresh haircut, etc.

I had a bright idea to do that ab ripper x part from p90x.  I've never actually finished p90x but I remember that I couldn't keep up with any of the females in any of the videos. But then again, the last time I attempted this endeavor was last year and I've been in a much better physical condition since then


My initial plan was to just do a few of each exercise and go light since I was already sore from yesterday's workout.  4 min. go past and I'm struggling at this point and I hear the dude telling me to take breaks if I need it, yet I see the cute girl in the front with the green sportsbra go hard in the paint.  At this point I'm thinking there's no way in hell I'm gonna let this 90 pound fem beat me.  I say screw it to the original plan and decide to finish this damn video.

11 min. later the guys says he'll see me next time and I and drenched in my sweat, but I have the biggest smile on my face because I didn't let GreenBra beat me
.

A few hours go by and now I'm starving so I chow down on anything and everything I see, including junk food
.

Another few hours go by and I'm checking on sports highlights, browsing NT, watching TV, smoking that bud (#TeamBurnOne
), and I have to take the largest dump I've ever had to take in my 18 years of life.  I'm thinking to myself...it can't possibly be the food I ate a while back...so my theory was that this large amount of food was actually forcing my large intestines out of my #@*!.

I get on the toilet and instinct tells me that this one is an hour session. Now I'm struggling with the mass and like most of you know, you do it a push at a time, so my smart self decided to give a large push while knelt over.  I start contracting my anal and stomach muscles and I immediately know something is wrong.  My stomach starts contracting and involuntary grunts escape my mouth.  I all of a sudden appear to have an 8-pack and the light bulb went off

I'm having an ab cramp.

And it's not a specific region, it's the whole damn thing, from top to bottom, stiff as a brick.

I was born with smaller tear ducts than the average man and therefore it's rare for me to cry but at this particular moment tears were just streaming down my face.  Yet the tears and the reaction differed, I guess my mind was all out of whack because of the sudden turn events.  Tears of agony are coming down yet I'm
for some reason, in turn making me flex my abdominals and making my situation worse.  I fall off the toilet, crack unwiped, toilet unflushed, and crap undumped and all I can hope is for no one to see me.  I'm praying that my mom doesn't come in and at that same exact time my poor mother kicks the bathroom door open and finds me in the fetal position.  She is in utter shock.  I am in utter pain.  The awkward silence lasts for what seems a lifetime until she leaves, unable to find an appropriate response for what is happening before her eyes. 

The storm subsides and I continue to lay on the cold bathroom floor.  My mind is racing as I wipe and pull up my pants.

Ladies, when you have a conversation about your cramps, please, let me join.  I understand, bros.  And never will I downplay my girl's complaints.  I know they're two different things but apples and oranges are still fruit. 

Cliffnotes:
-Worked out
-Took a dump
-Cramped
-Cried
-Died


In b4 didn't read bro gifs.

But please....read and sympathize.  Good night, NT fam. 
 
2,156
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Joined May 5, 2011
I used to play soccer and would get random calf cramps in the middle of the night. Fortunately, nothing like that has ever happened...
 
29,990
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Joined Jan 22, 2011
I had a good laugh.
Thank you op for sharing your unpleasant experience.
I hope that you don't have anything like that happen to you again.
 
1,177
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Joined Aug 9, 2008
Same thing sort of happened to my friend.
Worked out a lot.
Ate a crap load of junk food.
He went to take a dump and then he passed out on the toilet seat.
When he woke up like 10 mins later, the floor was drenched with his sweat.
I used the bathroom after he did, and I thought he pissed all over the floor
 
25,894
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Joined Dec 9, 2002
Reminds me of the Ryans steakhouse bathroom story. If you haven't read it, Google it, joint is comedy.
 

dok

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Joined Jul 5, 2009
lol. I run alot and i remember one time I was receiving fellatio and i caught a mean cramp in my calve and i fell off the bed and all my girl could do was laugh at me.
 
84,293
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Joined Mar 16, 2010
I know that feel bro,not necessarily in the bathroom but I know how those cramps feel. The pain 

I'm dying at the image of your Moms just staring at you while you're laying on the ground unwiped,grunting with brownies in the toilet 
 
7,001
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Joined Aug 24, 2009
You just locked up and dropped off the toilet crying and moaning? What the hell...
 
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