NT Author Thread vol. Ambitions as a Writer

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Joined Aug 28, 2012
This thread is for anybody who has written a book, who is writing a book, who is thinking about writing a book or thinks they can write a book. (It's not as hard as it seems.)

If you have an idea for a book and don't know whether it's any good, feel free to post in in here for honest feedback (but do remember that this is the internet and deep trade secrets are not recommended for public display).

If you want any info about the publishing or self-pub process, I'll be happy to share my limited experience.

If you have an idea in your head that you can't quite put to paper, get your head out of your *** before your idea dies with you (or worse, you live to see somebody else profit from it).

If you want to promote something you've already written, be my guest. I damn sure will.

Hell, I'm even open to collaboration on a solid project. Anything regarding writing goes in here.

As far as me, I'm starting my 3rd pretty soon. I usually do the nonfiction thing and people tell me I'm pretty fair at that, but I wanted to start getting into fiction and I'm taking my first swing in the near future.

I have 4 possible candidates for my next project, but since I'm probably going to only do 2 this year, I have to choose which one to start with. I'm doing one preview/draft/seed a day this week and have done two. One's an alien invasion concept and one is kind of a Hancock take on being a superhero. Exerpts from both are below, and if you could go ahead and help suggest which to start first, that'd be great.
 
"Kyle hit the ground running as he glanced at the time on his wrist display. 2:37am. Damn. He knew at that point he was in for an even longer night if Lila had waited up for him like he told her not to.

He paused at a trashcan around the corner from his house, ripping the suit from his body in jagged, uneven strips. When it was fully removed, he got the hose from the side of the house and quietly sprayed enough water on the fabric to dissolve it.

"Thanks again, Quincy...and 294 Stanford St.", he thought to himself before sprinting the last block and a half in his underwear.

After retrieving his t-shirt and sweatpants from the bag on his back, he creaked open the front door to his home like a cat burglar to find her sitting on the couch, arms crossed, glaring heat at the spot in the doorway where his head had appeared. A mostly empty bottle of wine sat before her on the table. He knew her even normally troublesome temper was lubricated this night. Even the fibers of her Snuggie seemed to stand on end, electrified by her rage.

Kyle treaded carefully at this juncture: "...Um...hey, honey."

"And just where the **** have you been?", Lila spat, clearly having saved the rage in the sentence for hours beforehand.

"You know, just out with the boys. Having a drink or 5."

Kyle attempted to act as natural as possible as Lila carefully scanned him from across the room.

"You don't even look drunk.", she slurred.

"That makes one of us.", he grinned nervously.

Lila shot his joke an unappreciative glare as she started her next turn. "You know the baby didn't go to sleep until 12 tonight. I had her ALL DAY. This **** is getting ridiculous."

Lila's complaint made Kyle reflect on the events of his night. His body was exhausted from a night of high-impact action and his neck still stung where he had caught a slug at the 7-11 robbery.

"You're not the only one with a hard life, Lila."

He knew it was a mistaken utterance before he had even finished the sentence, and braced himself for impact.

Predictably, Lila flew into a drunken rage, picking the bottle up and whipping it in his general direction with all her strength with some profanity as a chaser.

"You ungrateful son of a...!!!"

Kyle tuned the rest out as he watched the bottle float toward him as if through water. It was a surprisingly accurate throw, perhaps because she hadn't actually meant to throw it at his head.

As the bottle slowly turned over and over in midair with Lila ranting behind it like the angry flame of a booster rocket, Kyle couldn't help but to think of the sequence of events that lead him into the path of a ballistic Yellowtail bottle.

He had time to consider his regrets as the bottle came closer and closer. Finally, he yanked his head out of danger just in time. He couldn't help but think that process would have helped him out some time ago. His ruminations were interrupted by the static. The jumbled thoughts of troubled men seeped into his mind intermittently like a radio station that didn't quite come in. He couldn't understand much, but "big trouble" was the main theme.

He only wished he could use his strange gift on this woman so he could figure out what the **** she was thinking throwing a bottle at any boyfriend, let alone one that could probably toss her across a state line with a little effort. Unfortunately, his gift didn't work on that woman or any other. The bottle probably couldn't have hurt him much if it had been filled with gasoline and a flaming rag, but for the greater good, he had to act like it.

The glass shattering against the wall in a spray of red wine appeared to somewhat sober Lila. A shadow of regret crossed her face as she realized what she had done. Faint cries rose up from elsewhere in the house.

"Baby, I--", she started.

"No.", Kyle shot back, a look of feigned outrage painted on his face. "I don't have to take this ****. I'm outta here."

"But where are you going?"

"Crazy."

With that, he terminated the conversation. He stormed out as Lila shouted for him to come back, turning a corner, breaking into a run and leaping skyward, the joyous sensation of flight once again overtaking his body. This was when Kyle felt the most free.

When he was high enough, he stripped his disguise off in mid-flight, placed it into the seemingly unremarkable drawstring bag, then pressed a button on his wrist display. He felt the familiar tickle of the fibers extending from the bag, slithering in all directions over his body as if alive.

He had seen the process so many times, but it still amazed him every time. As usual, he watched as it unfolded. The fibers flit back and forth, expanding as they went and knitting themselves into his favorite outfit. As he felt them solidify into his signature jumpsuit, molding to his form, Kyle and all his baggage were left at home with Lila. Now, there was just Dynamik.

As he rocketed into the night toward yet another crisis, he couldn't help but think of the one under his own roof. All the books said a couple should never go to sleep angry, but that was for a normal couple. His situation was a bit different. "This is why Batman never knocked anybody up..." he lamented as he soared high above the skyline, racing towards his next challenge and a welcome distraction from his other life..."
I watched with my own eyes as the gleaming craft made its' ominous and eerily silent descent toward the skyline in the distance, creating a small but uncomfortable barrier between the familiar loving glow of our favorite star and those who had grown to depend on it. The sheer size of it ensured citizens of New York and Washington saw the same.

Pulsing with a soft light that was ample replacement for the sun, slowly rotating and appearing to somehow bend the air around it, it was the most awesomely terrifying thing I'd ever seen. If my back hadn't been turned to the TV, I would have noticed the broadcast with the highest ratings in human history, yet that nobody ever wanted to see.

This was not a test.

Usually quick with my camera, shock sent waves of helpless stupification coursing through my body. I stood with mouth agape, blindly fumbling for my lighter, as I always suspected would be my first instinct in this situation. It was only as I heard people on the street screaming "Worldstar", sprinting in the direction of the hovering behemoth with phones extended that I realized this was a moment truly worth capturing.

Strangely, our biggest problem yet set everything right with the world. All of a sudden, racism became a hindrance, the War on Terror was a civil war and the richest man was quite possibly only better than the poorest if he was better at using a weapon, even if that weapon was his sharp mind. Celebrity babies were as irrelevant as they should be. Reality TV was no longer needed...**** got real for the audience. Our government was too busy looking in to take a peek out, and so were just as surprised as everyone else...and just as reminded of the futility of their umbrous efforts.

Questions as big as the source they emanated from bore down on humanity, their answers possibly the most important in Earthly life. They had finally come...but who were they? What did they want? What now?
...and just for fun, here's some of the books I already have out, because I'm a writer and promotion is how I feed myself.
 


http://www.undermyfitted.com/expecting-the-worst/
 
[h1]The Intr--oh, ****.[/h1]
http://www.undermyfitted.com/expect...goesxtw-full-term-preview-the-intr--oh-****./


Well, you done ****** up now. If you have this book in both hands right now, one of 2 things are likely: either you have friends with a really twisted sense of humor or you just got some chick pregnant. (Either way, your purchase was appreciated.)

For you, an unsuspecting young man, this is probably somewhat of an unwelcome development, but unless you’re the kind of guy who goes around buttering hardwood floors every time something goes awry in your life, you are now staring down the barrel of something that can end your life as you know it: parenthood.

Maybe you thought she was on birth control, maybe she didn’t keep track of her moon woman cycles or whatever, maybe you got caught by the ripped raincoat or the dreaded halo, maybe you just played it fast and loose one too many time--alcohol was likely involved--in any case, she’s pregnant, and it’s your problem too. (Of course, you should get that checked out officially, but we’ll talk about that later.)

If you choose to stay with her, you are now just as pregnant as she is. This book is mainly about accepting this, and maybe still almost liking her anyway.

You see, for best results in most cases, it ain’t just “me” any more, it’s “me, she, and 3”. You’re now 9 months (if you’re lucky and Junior Misfire doesn’t decide to make a break for it a month or 3 early) from having to shoulder the ultimate responsibility in life: attempting to raise a human being who can be let out in public without a muzzle.

I don’t know whether you consider 9 months a long time or not, but if a doctor told you that you had 3 seasons left before your next life, you might take it a certain way…as I have a doctorate in Asshollectual Studies, you can go ahead and take it that way.

People say that pregnancy is one of the greatest experiences in life. They say that you and your creation partner (sounds nicer than “baby mama”, doesn’t it?) will grow closer than ever, and the announcement of every new life is cause for celebration. Some say that once you find out you have a child, you change in a fundamental way, instantly adapting your persona and worldview to fit that of a parent.

Of course, if you’re like me, you think that’s total ******** and that everyone who says that actually wanted children at the time…but that’s just people like me.

See, if you’re like me, you needed a child like you needed an electric loofah when you first found out you were on the hook. To you, babies are very cute in small doses, but overall are just adorable little machines that convert food into diaper stuffing and make a lot of noise doing it. (Well, except for those who aren’t even lucky enough to get a cute kid…yikes.)

You are just not ready to be responsible for somebody else--especially when on most days, you can barely be responsible for yourself. I know the feeling. I loved kids, as long as I could give them back to those in charge of them they were done being cute.

To one 23-year-old AJ Moses, having a kid was like those full-body tattoos you see on the internet sometimes that make one look like a tiger or RoboCop…looks kinda cool, but really not for me. That’s when I found out I now was to have one of my own. I stopped liking anyone under the age of 5 for a while.

That’s right, I’m saying it: I did not want a kid when one was assigned to me. What’s more, I don’t see a damn thing wrong with it. It’s a crazy way to shake somebody’s life up. People say babies are gifts, but for the most part, you wouldn’t even give someone a pet as a gift. How is it a gift to have responsibility dumped into your carefree young adult life again? (Well, maybe it is...the Trojan Horse was a gift too. Perhaps you’ll recall the Trojans when next you go conquering.)

When you consider that over the next three-fourths of a year, your life will irreparably change, likely just as you had it kinda how you wanted it--oh, and by the way, you’ve been sentenced to 18 years to life with hard labor--I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that it’s not the most preferable scenario for an unwilling participant.

If nobody’s ever told you before, I’m here to tell you it’s fine to not want kids, even when you’re actually expecting one.It’s okay. Really it is. According to me, anyway (and since you have my book, I assume you value my opinion somewhat, even if it’s only entertainment value).

I know a lot of people won’t like it…trust me, I took my share of heat for feeling this way and being very vocal about it when I went through this. Regardless, I figured **** it. I’m already biting the bullet on this one and can’t hold my tongue in my teeth at the same time, so why not?

You won’t find me in any baby shower pictures. We did not go to a portrait studio to have me pictured kissing her bare stomach. Pregnant women never glowed to me…well kinda, it was a neon sign reading “I’m too fertile to **** around with”. I’ll admit it to anybody who cares, I didn’t want this to happen and was prepared to shell out every dime of that $400 or so to make sure that it did not.

(If you ever read this, kid, it was nothing personal…you were just a really annoying cluster of cells that was ******g with my life back then, now you’re a whole baby that I kinda like.)

In turn, I knew there were others out there like me. Had to be, there’s no way in hell that every single person who ended up with a baby growing inside them or someone they cared about (however short that caring was) was over*******joyed about it. However, for the betterment of society in general, they probably should report for duty regardless.

I mean, sure, there is always the option to head for the nearest border into a foreign country when you get the news, but that makes you both a deadbeat who should kill himself in the most inconvenient manner possible and a potential future guest on daytime TV. I’m not sure you want either for yourself.

Besides, the more random kids you go around making and not caring for, the more likely it is that they’ll find each other and accidentally have sex. Do you want to one day find out that you have a horned grandchild with a concave forehead and eyes that can look east and north simultaneously? Thought so.

For so many reasons, once this event is announced, you are stuck (to the baby, not her…sure, in most cases it’s WAY easier to just stick with her if at all possible, but that’s something else we’ll discuss later.)

Like it or not, your totally legally uncommitted life is over. Read that last sentence again. And again. And again until you fully appreciate the gravity of the situation. Of course, anyone who knows the laws of gravity (or even just knows of them) knows that it does one basic thing: pull **** down. When you finally realize that this is what is going to happen to you, you will likely be pulled down at Jupiter-strength into a pit of grief.

Some people may find it odd, even objectionable, to grieve during pregnancy, but those people should also find my *** and kiss it. From where you sit, you’re mourning your own prematurely lost life and are justified in doing so. It’s just like a funeral, except she was the “late” one.

It’s a hell of a hole to climb out of, but you have to, and you can. I know all these things firsthand, as I just came out the other side of that very situation (and even had all 3 of us survive!).  Over the past yearish, I’ve figured out that grief, like pregnancy and…hell, life…is a process, and all of the above are easier with some help, and the best help comes in knowing what to expect.

It might only be marginally easier to fight a bear if you expect to do it and get the drop on him than if the bear comes from behind with a steel chair and catches you off-guard, but at least you have a chance at being ready if you know what to expect. (Okay, not really…kinda the point though.)

Moving on, the chronological order in which the stages of grief you will likely experience are listed within this book is purely for formatting purposes. I’m well aware that all of this stuff comes and goes in heated waves during the summers of your discontent, so read it in whatever order is most therapeutic. If it makes you feel better, buy another copy and keep it on your person just so you’ll have it around whenever some realization or other hits you like the crosstown express train. I want to be there for you at all times.

Joking aside, for all three of your sakes, it’s my sincere wish that you get something out of this book in what can be a very stressful time in life, even if it’s just a much-needed laugh. I had to look in the bottom of a lot of bottles for this knowledge. Yes, I did that, so hopefully you won’t have to go through that. (Besides, I found out too late that all the answers were under the caps, like those promo codes on soda.)

In closing, it’s true that I went kicking and screaming into being a parent…but I did go. In fact, her and I went together (and still do, I guess…hey babe!). You see, it’s not really necessary that you be in love with the idea of being a parent. You don’t even have to like it. What you do have to do is do it. It’s not going to be fun at first, but you do kinda have to.

Some of the things I’m going to say about the process thereof probably shouldn’t be repeated in “polite company”, and there will be those who will say no book like this should even exist…but if I can make the transition a little easier for you by writing it, then I feel justified in doing so. Let’s begin.

Oh, and by the way, my condolences.
[h1]Section I, Anger- Chapter 1: "Those Two Words"[/h1]http://www.undermyfitted.com/expect...erm-preview-section-i-anger--those-two-words/


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Ironically, unexpected events in adult life do not happen as depicted in movies or television intended for adults. In most live-action entertainment, earth-shattering announcements are usually accompanied by dramatic camera angles, a foreboding soundtrack, and possibly a long lead-up featuring a number of clues about what will later transpire. (Maybe even some internet spoilers, which the two concepts do increasingly have in common…but the role of social networking in real life events is a totally separate book which you might not own yet, so I won’t draw that parallel here.)

In real life, you get no such contextual alert system. Ironically, news that can fundamentally change the state of one’s existence behaves more cartoonishly most of the time, suddenly dropping on one’s head apropos of nothing like an animated anvil. If you had never known before, you usually find out that life imitates artwork when you hear the two words I refer to in the title whistling toward your skull with seemingly deadly force.

They’ve been known to drive men to drink, to mild insanity, to alternate lifestyles, and to Mexico in more extreme cases. To many, and possibly even the woman who speaks them to you, these words are a happy pronouncement…to some, it’s a prison sentence. By now, I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out what those 2 words are: “I’m pregnant”.

The phrase is sometimes accompanied by “I think”, but like any other warning of possible imminent catastrophe, like “I think there’s somebody trying to break in the house” or “I think there’s a twister coming toward this trailer” they should be taken with all the seriousness of the naked statement, verified, and dealt with as soon as possible. Yes, she did just say that. Yes, this is real life. No, you probably should not grab a bat or start running as fast as you can get your feet in front of each other like in the 2 aforementioned situations.

As I mentioned before, you don’t usually get too much notice that this thing is going down. You MIGHT get an awkward pause in a normal conversation, but as those pauses are often the places where two people who really like each other take the opportunity to dispense with the discourse and start another course, you might suspect nothing of it. However, this awkward pause is not your standard quiet…it suddenly becomes the second most-deafening silence you’ll ever hear, only to be exceeded by the one that comes after the announcement.

In the first nanoseconds following, you may feel the sensation that your soul has been punched in the face. It is to surprise what a ballistic missile is to a model rocket. It’s completely understandable. You see, contained within those 2 words are a vast number of implications she may not have known she made including “you will be a parent and your kids will be just like you like your momma said”, “you will either be here with me while I am pregnant or you will be gone forever”, “all your free time are belong to us”, and “you will now be forced to interact with me on some level for the next 20ish years no matter what no matter what”, among others.  (Of course, none of it’s final quite yet, but we’ll talk about that soon and later.)

These are ideas which can be somewhat jarring to the unprepared mind…so when the boom drops, if you get nervous and pee a little or something, nobody’s going to hold it against you. The first thing you need to know here is that panicking in this situation will do you absolutely no good. The second thing you need to know is that you probably will panic. It’s normal…it shows you were raised correctly, with an innate sense of responsibility. (You may find yourself cursing your upbringing and resulting decency at some point in the next 9 months, but we can only cross one burning bridge at a time.)

If you’re lucky, the person you’re now giving a stupid looking face to as a clever response to their revelation is, or at least was at one point and can be again, a decent, upstanding, tolerable woman with genes that will not foul up your poor child’s face or can cover for your own aesthetic shortcomings. (Call those low standards if you want, but think about all the females you know who meet them all and then re-evaluate my statement.)

She may be your girlfriend, she may be just a friend with benefits that apparently overpay. In any event, if you hear this from a girl you even kinda like, you’re getting the lite version of this situation. It could be worse…you could be the unenviable bastard who knocks up some unruly chickenhead they brought home from the bar a few months back for some meaningless calisthenics and gets a very unpleasant surprise a few months later in the form of a real day-****** of a phone call, text, or online private message.

Even worse, she could be some pug-fugly trollface special-teamer who was only called into action when the entire roster was unavailable. Hell, it might even be someone that your wife or girlfriend would be very interested to know that you got pregnant. If any of those last few nightmares describe your situation, I’m truly sorry about your damn luck…but it’s too late now. You’re now in it together, just like all the backseats, bathrooms, alleys and hourly motel rooms you snuck her around to. No matter the circumstances behind this conversation, you are now having it.

Somehow, the only thing larger than an elephant in a room is a baby in a stomach you didn’t plan to put it in, so there’s no avoiding it once it’s out there. Do both her and yourself a favor and just get all your initial feelings on the subject out in the open. If you don’t want no damn kids because you can’t afford it, don’t know the first thing about babies (well…technically, you do know the very first thing, but you’ve known that since you got cable TV) and don’t want to be responsible for the life of another person, don’t be afraid to say that verbatim.

She was honest with you (as far as you know right now) by telling you that you might have a child on the way, so it’s only fair that get your **** together, close your mouth before you attract flies, and be honest with her as well. Just like the cartoon coyote who often is struck by large plummeting objects to no lasting effect, you must peel yourself from under the crushing weight of the concept, dust yourself off, and continue to the next scene.

Whether you’re clicking your heels or gnashing your teeth about what you just heard, make your unfiltered stance known immediately. It’s not only the only way to access the next conversation you may have to have…it may impact the results. (Maybe not, but nobody can say you didn’t go on the record.)
[h1]Chapter 2: "Two More Long Words"[/h1]http://www.undermyfitted.com/expect...preview-section-i-anger--two-more-long-words/
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If you’ll notice, the first two chapters describe the impact of 4 total words using a lot more than that. This is because of the many things that they can mean, not only in dictionary terms, but in life.

The first 2 words, “I’m pregnant”, were enough to deal with, and now you have to contend with 2 even more unsettling ones, these from yourself: ”what now?”I’m betting a lot of things are going through your mind right now, but besides cuss words, you are probably considering one of 4 basic options that you have available to you at this point, which I call the 4 “A”s: abandonment, abortion, adoption and acceptance.

Before you actually follow through on any of them, it’s important that you discuss it with your creation partner. As this can be a somewhat tricky conversation no matter your intent and wishes, allow me to show you how to navigate all 4.

Abandonment

The first option, of course, is abandonment. If “baby on board” translates to “there’s a bomb on the bus” in your language, this is the one for you. It’s the chosen course of action for many males, and is a pretty short discussion (usually “**** that”, “that’s your problem”, or “cool, I’m going for a pack of smokes, see you in 15 years—uh, minutes”) followed by an open-ended process of the fugitive’s choosing.

Some people choose to flee as far as they can away from their new responsibilities like a cowardly cruise ship captain, maybe even to a foreign country like Canada or New Jersey, but I suggest these people hide underground and stop breathing so nobody hears their punk-*** heart beating under the floorboards or anything.

You see, unwanted as this new development may be, there is a chance that one or both of your parents felt a similar way about you back when you won the Great Sperm Grand Prix and fertilized some   unsuspecting egg. (Not me. I know for a fact I was on purpose. It’s nice to be able to say, so I did. Nothing wrong with being an accident if you turn out well, though. Silly Putty, cheese fries, and factory-faded jeans were all likely accidents at first. Those are all pretty cool, eh?)

If one or both kept you around anyway, you owe it to them to show they did a decent job raising you.

Hell, even if one of them didn’t stay around, you remember how that made you feel about them, right? I’ll bet they’re not your friend on Facebook, to say the least. Do you want some kid going around feeling that way about you? That’s just as much, if not more reason to handle things differently.

Even if that doesn’t get you, consider this…you might need an organ or some blood one day. It’s best to be a parent to your kid(ney).

However, since she made a decision to be a parent singlehandedly by keeping a future baby with only one willing parent, you have the option to ensure she does it that way by leaving her totally alone and disappearing. Seriously, if you’re that averse to the idea, your legs are probably unshackled, so get yourself some pocket sand, throw it in her face as a distraction, then get the hell out of Dodge.

You see, one line of logic dictates that if it was just as much your responsibility, you could decide all by yourself to have to just dump the thing at a fire station or preemptively stop the pregnancy presses altogether just like she can.

Nonetheless, by today’s law only she has that right of refusal, so if you just can’t deal, you do technically have the opportunity to leave it all behind…that is, if you can later look at yourself in the mirror without getting a taste for bullet. Societal conventions can be (and were doubtless designed by) a *****.

Abortion

The second route is called abortion. I’m pretty sure we all know what that is, if we watch the news enough. It’s that thing that, politically, is more important than the ******-up economy, corporate tax reform, or that war that still hasn’t really ended yet.

Anyway, it’s option 2 you can have available to you, and is a quick and permanent solution to your new problem, but it comes with a serious catch: you have to convince her that’s the thing to do. (Yes, you do have to convince her. Hiding the plan B pill in food like she’s a dog is dirty pool, and a brick could be utilized in an at-home procedure, but that’s illegal and rude.)

Notice how I said that: “convince” her. Not coerce, convince. You have to use logic and reason to illustrate that having a child right now is not the best thing for any of you (but be aware that using logic on a pregnant woman can be like using Pokemon cards in a game of blackjack).

Bring up your ****** job with the paper hat and how it’s not fair to add an expensive child to an already underfunded situation. Remind her that one of the reasons she hates you sometimes is that you act like a child yourself…how the hell can you care for one? If she asks how you would have felt if your parents had done it to you, reply truthfully that you would have never gotten the memo.

If she’s uncomfortable with the word “abortion”, use the term “postponement” instead…it can make her feel that she can eventually redeem whatever feelings she may have about it, and even implies there’s a plan for the future with her in it, should she be interested in such a prospect. Works almost every time, I hear.

If you must, wax melodramatic about the dangers of today’s pointy, dangerous world and how you’re just not sure that you want to even bring a new life into it at this point. Say whatever you have to, just as long as she says “okay, I guess” back.

 

Adoption

When that doesn’t work, you can try throwing out option 3, adoption, a different way to ensure that you will be childfree until you **** up again. The traditional system of infant reassignment is still in place, and there are plenty of families that would be happy to have a baby…y’know, because they’ve actually been asking for one. (I’d have wanted a kid if I wanted a kid too.)

If that’s a little too involved, safe haven laws permit babies to be dropped off like a Redbox disc at pretty much any municipal establishment (hospitals, police stations, etc.) with no questions asked, as long as you’re not a guy.

Of course, good luck convincing most women to carry a developing organism to full term and partially destroy her body in the process just to give it away for free. Outside of “Juno”, I’ve never seen it happen firsthand. That’s not to say it shouldn’t probably happen more…just doesn’t.

(the path to) Acceptance

If you’re lucky/clever/soulless (or any combination of the 3) enough to be able to work one of the first three out, you don’t really need to read the rest of this, but feel free, if only just to point and laugh at those of us who could not.

Of course, option 4, is acceptance. It’s exactly what it says, simply sucking it up, grabbing a mop, and beginning to clean up the disaster you may now find yourself in the middle of.

As the analogy implies, it’s FAR from instant and ****damn sure not easy. However, if you can do it, you can look at yourself as a minor superhero, doing what many mortals can or will not. (Not, like, Batman or Captain America, you ain’t that special…maybe Aquaman or something.)

Point is, if you’re left with nothing but this option and take it anyway, you’re doing the right thing. It rarely even requires a discussion, as most chicks assume you’re going to be there whether you like it or not anyway.

Whatever your position, make it early, make it known, and make it so if at all possible.

 The worst thing you can do is change your mind after it’s too late, whether you decide you want an abortion after it becomes less “surgical removal of undesired developing tissue” and more “pulling a whole baby out feet-first and lightly tossing it into a nearby trashcan”, decide that that you want to accept a few years after you’ve abandoned, or worst of all, the other way around.

Feelings will probably be scuffed, maybe even some beyond hers if she’s one of those rare women who likes to talk, but worry about that later…or never. Emotions tend to fade away as time passes, pregnancies do not. What’s important now is that the only other person that matters at this point at least knows where you stand (unless you’re not a stand-up guy, then what’s important is that nobody knows where you slither).

[h1]Chapter 3: "Aftershocks"[/h1]http://www.undermyfitted.com/expecting-the-worst/xtw-full-term-preview-section-i-anger--aftershocks/

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Now that your world has been rocked as a result of a prior world-rocking, it’s pretty much inevitable that the tremors will now be felt outside of ground zero. That hyperextended metaphor isn’t nearly as protracted as the process we’re about to discuss: telling your family and friends that they have a new member and that you won’t have as much time for them, respectively.

Before I say anything, I have to admit I didn’t say **** about being pregnant to my family for a while--okay, most of the pregnancy--and told my friends in the order I vented to them in, but nobody was satisfied with my timing…not even me, I wanted to tell nobody first.

To me it didn’t matter who got the bad news in what order, it wasn’t getting any better with time. In fact, I told the majority of people, including my own parents, on the same day about 5 months after I found out. It only took one 20 minute phone call and a well-timed status update.

However, almost everybody I eventually told thought I should have told them first and I caught plenty of flack despite never reaching out for it.

Of course, at the time I couldn’t give a **** less about anybody’s ******g hurt-*** peanut gallery feelings on the situation while I was dealing with it firsthand, strolling through my own personal hell with no better weapon than detachment and dark humor. In fact, I still feel the same way right this sentence, which is why I’m writing this book. (Well, that and actually trying to break even off this whole thing…since the kid can’t get a job yet on this side of the Pacific, it’s the closest I can get.)

However, I’m not really what you’d call a “normal person”. Maybe you care about that kind of thing more than I do.  If that’s true, then let’s discuss more “acceptable” ways to spread the word about spreading your seed.

First off, you’ll want to tell your parent(s). Not because they have to sign a permission slip or anything, otherwise I might have forged my mommy’s non-signature…but because they have to have time to slowly transform into grandparents.

You see, it’s going to happen regardless. The same person or people who you likely grew up fearing to an extent are now about to become human Teletubbies, constantly squealing with joy, tailored to small children, and totally nonthreatening in every way. (Of course, they likely didn’t do you that favor, but they were only parents then…now they’re grandparents.)

Seeing this transformation happen overnight can really **** someone up in the head, so for the sake of your own mental faculties, it’s best to tell whoever’s in that role very early so it’s more of a slow burning process than an inferno of “who are you and where are the people who raised me?”

Also, you’ll likely need time to adjust to becoming a second class citizen for a while. Nothing reminds you how much love you’ve taken for granted like having some of it redirected. Just wait until the first time someone who you’ve known your entire life asks how mommy or her abdominal escort is before they ask how your ******-up life is going, then see if I just lied to you or not.

After that whole production is over, you have to start telling your friends. Choose the order in which you let them know carefully, you don’t want to let the news slip to a person who is several friend rankings below another friend, because the not-as-close friend will invariably tell them sooner than possible like it’s some kind of breaking international news story that Twitter isn’t even onto yet.

That scenario can see you end up on a **** list of some kind. These are the people who may have to talk you down from some ledge in the next few months, and may even be willing to babysit for free…so be sure to stay on their good side.

Your friends who do not have children will likely be very happy for you, as they effectively now have another nephew/niece/cousin they can mess around with for a while until they get bored with them and that they don’t have to take care of themselves.

Your friends who do already have kids will be happy too, if only so that they can now secretly commiserate with you about how much it sucks in between pretending it’s an 18-year trip to Six Flags Over Heaven because that’s what you’re supposed to say in public.

Non-special coworkers, neighbors, and other fringe folk from “around” can find out at your leisure, unless you know and care that they give out good baby shower gifts. They might be a little upset that you kinda casually mentioned it a few weeks before the due date or on the way to the hospital, but they’ll get over it.

Remember, they’re not as aware of your life situation as people closer to you, so they may feel the need to effusively congratulate you, like you just got the winning hit in the World Series, built a skyscraper with your own two hands, or won a ******g Nobel Prize in astrodynamic quantum superiority instead of simply displaying a lack of proficiency with birth control. Resist the urge to attack such people. Forgive them, future father...they know not what they do.

You’ll know you’ve done this in the wrong order when you hear a “why didn’t you tell me” that doesn’t answer itself. As you doubtless know by now though, you are very capable of mistakes. There’s a chance that somebody may slip through the cracks that you meant to tell like 12[sup]th[/sup] instead of 137[sup]th[/sup]. It’s not the end of the world (that was chapter 1).

Just bring the baby around at some point afterward and all will be forgotten.

As you will find over the next year or so, a newborn baby is a tiny 8lb bundle of excuses, ready to be deployed at any time. So, if someone comes to you complaining that they didn’t know about your business before some other person, say you’ve been very busy getting ready for parenthood and it slipped your mind. It’s likely not true in the way they imagine, you traipsing about shopping for baby clothes, bottles, and bastardettes…but it likely is true (and even more so if alcohol is helping you through this…at least there was a bottle involved somewhere).

Breaking the big news to everybody else doesn’t have to be the hard part. You only have to do that once per person. It’s yourself that you’re going to end up telling 1,004 times. It’s all part of the shock and “aww ****” portion of your emotional process.

This might be the shortest section in this book (because there honestly ain’t too much else I can say to help you in this stage), but in my case it was the one of the longest phases. It may be the same for you. Understandable, since it can be the emotional equivalent of having everything you own destroyed in an earthquake. In truth, that’s more or less what pregnancy is to those who don’t want it, a personal natural disaster…the only one people will be happy to your face about.

Think about it…the sudden nature of the event, the forced rearrangement of your life, the fact that you’ll need to be pretty damn lucky to get effective insurance coverage, the really annoying people telling you this is a blessing in disguise as you think to yourself that it must be a master of ******g disguise, that “I’m watching my house burn down” look thrown somewhere in there...it’s all there.

However, it’s up to you to pick up the pieces and start rebuilding, at least enough to get some feeling back in your soul. Trust me, it’s coming…every feeling you got. When it does, you better be prepared. (Of course, if you’re not, that’s what the rest of the book is for.)
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SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif][if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-priority:99;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin-top:0in;mso-para-margin-right:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;mso-para-margin-left:0in;line-height:115%;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}</style><![endif]
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SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif][if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-priority:99;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin-top:0in;mso-para-margin-right:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;mso-para-margin-left:0in;line-height:115%;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}</style><![endif]
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[h1]
 [/h1]
http://www.undermyfitted.com/fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge./

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[h1]  (*.*.*.*.)- Your Intro[/h1]
Some things never change…until they do. It's true, over the last couple of decades, we've made leaps and bounds in almost every facet of human life. As a result, the future we inhabit is advanced almost beyond belief. Just think about it...a few years ago, life was completely different than it was now. I remember it like it was just yesteryear.

A grown man tweeting in public might be placed under intense psychiatric care. If you wanted music on the go, iPods only came in one size and color, and were called boomboxes. Men almost exclusively asked women out and not the other way around, Dinner/movie dates, once commonplace, are now semi-archaic. Text messages were usually handwritten and left in places only the recipient could find them by a stalker, who were at the time referred to as "secret admirers".

Hell, I even heard that 20 years ago, there was no internet. I don't believe it, but they insist on sticking with the story. Honestly, it's a whole new world. As I sit here writing this eBook on the computer, exchanging texts with old friends, checking my website, and taking periodic Madden breaks with my smartphone all while at my job (and knowing that sentence would have been complete gibberish just a couple of decades ago), I can't help but feel kind of bad for the people that haven't learned to get the most out of this new version of life.  

Moreover, I realize with more conviction each passing day what really hasn't advanced much over the past 23 years, about as far back as I go: the rules governing the new relationships of this new world. The fact is, the old ways of dealing with people are all but done for...they don't make "Sorry I deleted you on Facebook" Hallmark cards, fruit baskets apologizing for drunken, naked video calls, or “While You Were Outsourced” memo slips for a reason.

The methods we use to deal with each other and the situations we do so in have outpaced the development of established rules used to govern them. Unfortunately, this has resulted in a near-complete vacuum of standardized conduct in most forums of human interaction nowadays, be it at home, at work, with friends, with a lover (vertically or horizontally) ...even online.

The game of life itself really never changes, but the rules are in a constant state of flux. That's where the book you're holding comes in.

Using my unofficial doctorate in modern studies obtained after 23 years of advanced courses at the University of Real Life with a minor in third-party failure observation and risk management, I will attempt to bridge the gap between the knows and the know-nots in this contemporary world of ours by making sense of it all...or just give you a few dollars worth of giggles on a long trip. Whatever.

Either way, enjoy...and get ready to get *.*.*.*.'d (and yes, reasonably intelligent people use casual profanity nowadays. Get a context clue).
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Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif][if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-priority:99;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin-top:0in;mso-para-margin-right:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;mso-para-margin-left:0in;line-height:115%;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}</style><![endif]
I know I ain't the only one. Is there any scribes up in this house?
 
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