Question to NTers who have lost someone close ...

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Joined Apr 15, 2007
I lost my mom back in January. Two days before school started to beexact

Took the semester off from the UofA, but came back to Tucson after about 5 weeks back home taking care of *#*@ (services, moving out of the house, etc.)

Anyways, there's like 10-15 people that I talked to on either the daily or at least a couple of times a week that I just never hit me up anymore. My boywas telling me that it's because people didn't really know what to say to me or whatever. I was, and still am pretty open about everything that me andmy mom went through in the 4 or so years that she had cancer. I shared numerous stories, updates, concerns, all that with these people. I feel like I have noreason to talk to these people, but the thoughts of how I wish things could go back to how they were before she passed always come back.

It's been getting to me, and I've been trying to think of a way to reach out to these people and tell them that they can talk to me, and that I'mnot mad. I just can't come up with a good way to say, "Hey, I know you were nowhere to be found in the toughest part of my life, but it's cool,let's move on."

So, to NTers who have been through similar situations, how did you handle them?
 
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Its Life. No one lives forever and you just have to deal with it. It was a numbing feeling when I lost my grandfather. We knew he didn't have long since hebattled cancer for years. He lived a great life and he made his days as comfortable and great as possible. Life moves on. Its not how you go out but what youdid in your life
 
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I lost my mom in December from an unexpected heart attack. The thing was people talked to me and i gave updates and she came out of the coma on the 23 and wewere told that she would be ok because she was talking to us and were expecting a full recovery. After I told everyone the next day the doctors told us thatthe medicine had cause brain to be swollen and they could do surgery but that would still only be 50 50 and she would be a vegetable. After telling everyone Ihad to then let them know of this and after that alot of people had a hard time communicating with me. Its all good now though if I were you I'd go out andjust hang out with the people and let them know your ok and even though you miss her and struggle with it your all good.
 
994
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Joined Feb 3, 2004
^
You are telling him the way of going about dealing with his loss. From the OP's post, it seems that he's at peace about losing his mom, and he'strying to repair the relationships that may have become distanced due to his mother's struggle.

OP, we've never talked online or anything, but from your posts I can tell that you are a solid dude.

I've had my fair share of personal struggles that have altered relationships with good friends. I guess the best way to look at it is that adversityreveals character, and your friend's actions have shown how they really are. However, not everyone's actions are malicious, and some people justdon't know how to deal with adversity, and their solution is to withdrawal.

You should just take a close look at the situation, and cut off those who you feel need to be cut off for good, and work directly to repair the damagedrelationships. If you don't want to be extremely overt about it, just kick back with them and show them that you are the same dude. But the longer youwait on them to react, the further you all will be distanced.

Good look man, and keep your head up.
 
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Joined May 22, 2007
Seriously,

you know who your true friends are when you're going through hard times...I lost my grandma and one of my best friends within the space of three months.

people held me down but I went through a time when I didnt wanna go out./ I'd just stay in my room and surf the net and sleep. It was more mental. I dontchase after anyone. If people wanna poly with me they can if they want.

I ended up cutting a girl who supported me..for a reason I dont compromise on.
 
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Joined Jan 24, 2007
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get."

OP, sorry to hear about your mom


I remember you making a thread about it to.
 
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Joined Apr 15, 2007
Well I've seen and talked to all these people at some point, some of them have hit me with the "I haven't been a good friend," and somehaven't.

Like, these people that used to hit me up on aim or fb chat all the time, they gotta still see me online, right? They just decide to never hit me up now?
 
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Joined Nov 15, 2001
my mom preety much summed it up to me as a kid.. makes sense now as an adult.

went along the lines .... your closet friends and acquaintances true colors will shine at the time you will most need them..thats when you know your friendsfrom your foes.
 
1,987
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Joined May 3, 2009
Originally Posted by P MAC ONE

It's been getting to me, and I've been trying to think of a way to reach out to these people and tell them that they can talk to me, and that I'm not mad. I just can't come up with a good way to say, "Hey, I know you were nowhere to be found in the toughest part of my life, but it's cool, let's move on."
This is just me but I really don't feel like that needs to be said.

I lost my father to cancer when I was in high school so I know what you went through to an extent but that being said, I know little to nothing about yourparticular situation. I'm not even really sure I understand what you said before in the paragraph prior to what I quoted.

Personally I really didn't reach out much to anybody while my father was sick or after he died. Because of that I never really talked about it much exceptfor with one or two people who happened to be family. That was just the way I preferred it, not having people inquire and provide "comfort" so tospeak made it easier for me.

My close friends did more than they'll ever know for me just through their presence in day to day activities like school and hanging out. Being able tojust kick it and enjoy what little positives I could at a very negative point in my life was enough for me.

Originally Posted by IMPORTKING

went along the lines .... your closet friends and acquaintances true colors will shine at the time you will most need them..thats when you know your friends from your foes.

See I really don't agree with this because more often than not, you're probably not gonna make an accurate or unbiased assessment of peoples "truecolors."

What does that even mean anyway? Like I said it's really hard to analyze being as none of know each others circumstances but P MAC feel free to give specific details as to what happened that made you feel like this. As I said earlier I'm not even sureI understand how you feel.
 
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Originally Posted by 3miyasaki3

I lost my mom in December from an unexpected heart attack. The thing was people talked to me and i gave updates and she came out of the coma on the 23 and we were told that she would be ok because she was talking to us and were expecting a full recovery. After I told everyone the next day the doctors told us that the medicine had cause brain to be swollen and they could do surgery but that would still only be 50 50 and she would be a vegetable. After telling everyone I had to then let them know of this and after that alot of people had a hard time communicating with me. Its all good now though if I were you I'd go out and just hang out with the people and let them know your ok and even though you miss her and struggle with it your all good.
Almost went through the same deal my man.. My sis got hit with astroke, ended up w/ a coma for a couple months. Came out but became brain dead a few days later due to the medicine.. then we just had to watch her rest to herlast day for the next few weeks in her vegetated state
......

Hold ya head peoples.
 
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Joined Jan 17, 2009
i lost my mom when i was only 7. i still dont know what its like to have a mom. and i barely have any memories with her. i guess although its unfortunate thati lost her. i dont have any memories so it doesnt hit me harder.
 
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Joined Apr 15, 2007
My best friend in all of life. known dude since I was 2. His mom is like my second mom, and vice versa. I told him that she was in hospice the weeks leading upto her death, he said he was gonna stop by and see her, never did. Then, the day after she passed I went to a dinner party for him, because he was going to NYfor the semester, talked to him like two days after that, and not once until his bday in March. Since March I've talked to him no more than 5 times.

I mean, I can't just cut dude off and classify him as "not a real friend" can I? This _ been my best friend since before I can remember.

That's more or less where I'm stuck.

There's other people that have similar stories, but that's just one example.
 
1,987
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Joined May 3, 2009
Damn, yea I glad you gave me some insight because that's pretty +%+$@@ up. I mean the not talking much is what it is, %$@@ happens and that's just theway it goes but the fact that he couldn't even show up at the hospital is pretty telling.

I guess you should pretty much disregard what I said about "true colors" I'm probably biased because of my own experiences. I don't know howI would handle something like that.
 
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Like, I'm 100% sure that dude has no clue. He's pretty busy, and he's always traveling somewhere. Probably just never thought about it.

But then again, he never thought to hit me up? not on mother's day? never? What the @!%@.

It's not even that I'm 'mad' about it, I just don't know what to make of how everything happened.
 
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Joined May 22, 2007
That's life.

I often internalized any problem I went through during that time period. I just have this thing where I dont let people see me sweat.

Dunno if that works for you but
 
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Joined Feb 27, 2004
My mom passed 08 in jan, and my boys were there right away. We talked about everything, i was feelin bad almost committed that. Thank god i had friends andformer girlfriends all there to support me and stuff.

My mother was the only person i shared anything with so its still hard.

I dont think its upon you to hit ya boys up, if they cared they would of checked in every once in a while. But if you want to hit em up and let them know yourready to start doing stuff again then thats fine. I wouldnt apologized, i would just be like im doing better man, and thats usually when they will apologizefor not hittin you up and stuff. Then for there you can set somthing up, chillin gonna be weird for a while because everyones gonna feel like that have towatch what they say around you, but it will pass after a while. Just let em know your feelin good.
 
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Joined Apr 15, 2007
Originally Posted by blackmagnus514


I often internalized any problem I went through during that time period. I just have this thing where I dont let people see me sweat.
Same thing I do.

Holdin all this @*!% in can't be good for me tho ...
 

ricekrispies420

formerly l2icel3oi9i6
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Joined Apr 6, 2008
Originally Posted by IMPORTKING

my mom preety much summed it up to me as a kid.. makes sense now as an adult.

went along the lines .... your closet friends and acquaintances true colors will shine at the time you will most need them..thats when you know your friends from your foes.
that quote got me hard...
stay strong, sorry about everyone's losses
 
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Joined Mar 8, 2001
The thing about this situation that I don't think you should take personally is a lot of people don't know how to respond in these type of situationsand fear saying the wrong thing.

As someone who has been through the same situation (lost mom in 97), I barely know what to tell someone in the same situation. Like for example theMother's Day thing, especially being so recent, these ones may not have known how you would have received that telephone call.

If they've never been in that situation then they wouldn't know how essential it is just to talk, not even necessarily about what happened but just totalk and if it comes up in conversation, it comes up. If these are people you consider friends I say you try to reach out to them still.
 
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Joined Nov 11, 2007
This post is appreciated. I lost my father last October to a totally unforeseen heart attack, he was my best friend in life. Since then I rarely hear from myclose friends and distant family. I just stay on my 1 2 like my pops used to do. He used to tell me all the time that people will come to your funeral then goon with their life.
It really is affecting my social life though. Every friend I make or girl I talk to ends up distancing themselves from me because I'm still incredibly sadabout losing him. I know I need to get over it but I don't think I ever will. It's just me and my moms against the world now. I'm living with herbecause I just can't leave her when I know she's not strong enough yet. We're both still in disbelief but everything happens for a reason. When Igraduated from college my dad asked me to relocate from OR to AL so I could have a new start with them. Two months later he passed. I know God brought me herefor my mom and that's what keeps me going.
So to the OP, I say you need to focus on those your mom left behind and show them love the way she showed them love.
 
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