TAR - Thread About Relationships vol. Calling TAY Graduates

2,625
497
Joined Jan 4, 2008
What's up everyone -

the robust TAY activity has made a TAR conspicuously absent.

even after (you think) you've found Miss Right, the journey's just beginning. And the journey is rough :smh:

need a safe place for encouragement, advice and shareable stories - whether you're just getting started in something serious or you've already been married for a minute, hope we can all learn, teach and support each other. Most importantly, no judgment - we all have our flaws and moments of weakness, so let's lift each other up

To start it off -

I've been with my girl for 2.5 years. We're both 26 and we're already very aligned on next steps - we want to get married, know the general timing we'd want it to happen, aligned on geography, etc. Only issue is that my relationship with her parents is non-existent: for cultural reasons her mom is completely unsupportive of our relationship, and we have no idea how her dad feels. On the flipside, she has an amazing relationship with my family - she's come on family vacations, texts my mother and sister, gets presents from everyone on Christmas / bday, etc.

I'm not worried about us not working out due to her family but I AM worried that her parents may not come around as quickly as we expected (or worst case, not at all). Has anyone worked through a similar situation successfully? If so, any tips or perspectives are very much appreciated
 
8,418
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Joined Feb 8, 2009
What are the cultural reasons? Are you black and her folks or of another race and they don't want you around? Is it a religious thing?

Having a good relationship with your in-laws is big. Stress with families can put a lot of stress on the relationship. It's like the old adage says: you marry into a family, you don't just marry the individual

From what I've seen, parents tend to come around once grandkids are in the picture. I guarantee that they're going to want to see their grandkids.
 
2,625
497
Joined Jan 4, 2008
What are the cultural reasons? Are you black and her folks or of another race and they don't want you around? Is it a religious thing?

Having a good relationship with your in-laws is big. Stress with families can put a lot of stress on the relationship. It's like the old adage says: you marry into a family, you don't just marry the individual

From what I've seen, parents tend to come around once grandkids are in the picture. I guarantee that they're going to want to see their grandkids.
Haha good call - I'm black and she's Korean. She came to the US when she was three so she's very Korean American, but her family lives in Ktown LA so they aren't used to dealing with black people. Most of her mom's disapproval comes from ignorance derived from living in the KTLA bubble

I'm hoping they come around before I propose because her family is super important to her and I'd want them to be involved in the marriage. I'm doing things like learning Korean now but that doesn't really pay off until they actually know that / see the effort put in there. If they wait until the grandkids to come around that definitely wouldn't be ideal, but better than nothing I guess...:ohwell:
 
8,418
8,694
Joined Feb 8, 2009
Haha good call - I'm black and she's Korean. She came to the US when she was three so she's very Korean American, but her family lives in Ktown LA so they aren't used to dealing with black people. Most of her mom's disapproval comes from ignorance derived from living in the KTLA bubble

I'm hoping they come around before I propose because her family is super important to her and I'd want them to be involved in the marriage. I'm doing things like learning Korean now but that doesn't really pay off until they actually know that / see the effort put in there. If they wait until the grandkids to come around that definitely wouldn't be ideal, but better than nothing I guess...:ohwell:
It seems like you're doing everything you possibly can. Have you ever physically met them or are they not even letting you get that far?

Honestly, if this is a girl you want to marry then I think she should be an advocate for you. She should be vouching for your character whenever possible. Are they pressuring her to get out of the relationship with you?
 

putting in work

Supporter
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Joined Nov 10, 2007
What are the cultural reasons? Are you black and her folks or of another race and they don't want you around? Is it a religious thing?

Having a good relationship with your in-laws is big. Stress with families can put a lot of stress on the relationship. It's like the old adage says: you marry into a family, you don't just marry the individual

From what I've seen, parents tend to come around once grandkids are in the picture. I guarantee that they're going to want to see their grandkids.
I'm not sure if you're black or not, but I'll tell you this... the hate I've seen come across towards a girl bringing a black guy around is something else. You had a good old adage "you marry into a family" while true I'll add another. Nobody is a racist... until their daughter brings home a black dude. Man I tell you I've been through some stuff with relationships in the past due to different race, culture all that... even due to my like my income... seriously... and parents will push the girl away from you until you either give up or you guys don't work out. They'll make comments about you to her 24/7 and shune her and oh man since this girl is asian family values matters a lot and especially "what their other families think of them or their daughter dating a black dude". I know many will disagree, but I've been through it and seen it a lot so I'm speaking from experience.


It seems like you're doing everything you possibly can. Have you ever physically met them or are they not even letting you get that far?

Honestly, if this is a girl you want to marry then I think she should be an advocate for you. She should be vouching for your character whenever possible. Are they pressuring her to get out of the relationship with you?
Yeah that's true she should be letting them know how she feels about you and how serious you two are. It took like 7 years for my girl to bring me home to her parents, well her dad, but yeah she was worried about us and so was I. Her mom knew about us and thought I was some lowlife bum, which was justified because I was wildin out at that time and the dudes I ran with were grimey, shady, straight up career criminals and you know what they say about the company you keep.

Even after I met her dad dude wasn't happy, but what could he do. He's like an OG too rocking jewelry and put in work in his hey day and was still respected as such. That was another problem I don't know if dude was trying to intimidate me or what but I wasn't having it and we bumped heads a couple of times and I'm ignorant and prideful so I wasn't letting nothing slide I don't care. If I don't take crap from my own dad who the F does any other dude walking this earth think he can come try to impose themselves on me... not happening.

Anyway... honestly 2.5 years is not that long, but you two are mid 20's so you have some time to really either cement your future or break apart and work your way to new futures without the other.
 
16,473
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Joined Nov 17, 2013
To the NT fam who are in long-term relationships / are married:

How did you know your shorty was the one?
Can you offer advice on how you kept the relationship going?
 
10,147
9,453
Joined Jul 25, 2012
To the NT fam who are in long-term relationships / are married:

How did you know your shorty was the one?
Can you offer advice on how you kept the relationship going?
You never really know in regards to the 1.
That love on first sight is BS. Takes time.
In regards 2 keeping the relationship going, worry about your own self and show affection. Tons of it. I wrap my self around wifey while cuddling/spooning and call it maximum security. Usually leads to smashing.

Don’t assume. Give each other the benefit of doubt and it’s never U versus ME... it’s us against the problem.

Sexy ya self up too. Don’t be a slob and have a good music playlist on deck where you both can vibe out
 
11,777
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Joined Feb 11, 2011
been with my girl 3 years but its been bumpy as hell :lol: i met her fam (cousins siblings) but her parents are also real cultural they arent from america either
 

アキラ

Supporter
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Joined Oct 10, 2018
She’s super close with her parents but her parents don’t accept you? Sounds like a recipe for disaster in the future.

I wouldn’t even consider marriage until that situation is sorted out. I’m Korean and idk about your girls parents, but mostkorean parents got no problem severing ties with their kids. Esp the old school ones.
 
22,337
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Joined Jul 13, 2005
I've been in a situation similar to yours OP.

Her parents loved me, my parents liked her, but knew family wouldn't accept her due to religious/cultural reasons. Ya'll in the honeymoon phase for the first 2 years, but when **** gets serious (marriage) there will be serious backlash from one side of the family. I truly believe that you marry the family, not the girl. We had to call it quits, with full regret. Knowing that once kids came into the picture it just wouldn't work. Cant have kids celebrating Christmas and Hannukah, lots of confusion there. I had none stop arguments with my parents and it was a **** show. It might be all sweet and dandy now, but if you care about your culture/religion/w.e or if the family disowns u or doesn't support you 5-10 years down the line you'll be in full regret mode.

Its impossible to please everyone, but it was personally too much for me to throw my immediate family to the side for her. Looking back at it, yea i compare most girls I'm with to our relationship, but I know that in the bigger picture its probably best to marry someone in which both families get along.
 
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