The Healthy Family Unit Vol. New Perspectives

[Top Boy]

I don't see this thread getting crazy traction, we'll see.

Talking with my therapist, I've realized how broken my home was. Regardless of seeing plenty of examples growing up of what a healthy family looks like its something I never really sat down to think about until my therapist forced me to.

I don't want to go into too much detail but I do want to provide some background.. Basically, raised by a single parent (dad), my other parent (mom) was extremely toxic and i've been no contact for about 6 years, before that happened she managed to sever the sibling bond between myself and my siblings completely, my dad's side of the family doesn't communicate whatsoever so my immediate family is my only family which is about 6 people, my dad was present but emotionally distant and unattentive which left us all with unique scars (not trying to down him, being a single parent is tough and I still have hella respect for him)... Holidays have forever been weak, we don't really get together or support each other much, me and my brother don't communicate with my sister at all, im maybe one tier above being cordial with my brother, if we don't physically visit each other--the family that is--we don't communicate much at all....

I ask this question because I was talking to this chick yesterday and she went from clearly interested before this topic came up to looking at me crazy when it was clear I don't really assign a high importance to family. I've had to look after myself physically, mentally, and emotionally for so long the very idea has been spoiled in my mind and in the black community mothers and family are two of the golden pillars we're suppose to hold in high regard but it's impossible for me to feel the same when my lived experience has made me feel otherwise.

So I make this thread to hopefully change my opinion on the value of family, seeing as how I've only seen what a healthy family looks like from a distance. Did you consider your family to be a healthy one? Or maybe it was broken as well, why? What traits made it good or bad? What would/are you do/doing differently with your own family?

 

[finessence]

My family definitely is broken and unaccountable. I don’t deal with either of my parents. I don’t get along with my sister. My older cousin pulled out a gun on me 2 years ago. He came home from prison talking that tough talk and I showed him what it really was.

My pops has always been jealous of me, and I have NOTHING compared to him. He’s got a business, house, family, etc. My mom is scorned and miserable, and gossips to much. So, I choose not to be around her.

I got a 20 year cousin who’s locked up on a murder charge. He JUST had a baby last year. My family is content with mediocrity and I can’t be around that mindset. All my male cousins are jailbirds.

The family I clique with the most, live out of state (They use to live here in Florida with us) but my ain’t and her kids are the definition of close knit. They have holiday gatherings, etc.

An unaccountable family, is a toxic family. And that’s something I must not be around. Always asking more for financial favors or, favors period.

Funny thing, my main family member with the most since and mind of his own, is my 18 year old cousin, who’s a senior on high school. I’m counting on him and myself, to change the scope of my family dynamic.

 

[Top Boy]

My family definitely is broken and unaccountable. I don’t deal with either of my parents. I don’t get along with my sister. My older cousin pulled out a gun on me 2 years ago. He came home from prison talking that tough talk and I showed him what it really was.

My pops has always been jealous of me, and I have NOTHING compared to him. He’s got a business, house, family, etc. My mom is scorned and miserable, and gossips to much. So, I choose not to be around her.

I got a 20 year cousin who’s locked up on a murder charge, he JUST had a baby last years. My family is content with mediocrity and I can’t be around that mindset. All my male cousins are jailbirds.

The family I clique with the most, live out of state (They use to live here in Florida with us) but my ain’t and her kids are the definition of close knit. They have holiday gatherings, etc.

An unaccountable family, is a toxic family. And that’s something I must not be around.

Do you feel as if this has benefited you in any way? This is something my therapist always does when I talk about negative situations and experiences...

I have hella negative traits as a product of my upbringing but one of the benefits my broken family has given me is resilience. I don't fold under pressure, when tensions or stress is high im unbothered when most people panic, it's extremely difficult in the real world for people to phase me, I can ignore pretty much anyone or anything as if they don't exist, etc..

My therapist always challenges me to pull positives from negatives but tbh im still conflicted though. All of those traits I named above come from stupidly high amounts of emotional detachment and the way I keep one foot out and one foot in by habit has saved me from prolonging toxic connections with people but also has ended a large amount of good ones

Do you care to start your own family, and if so what do you see yourself doing differently?

 

[finessence]

Do you feel as if this has benefited you in any way? This is something my therapist always does when I talk about negative situations and experiences...

I have hella negative traits as a product of my upbringing but one of the benefits my broken family has given me is resilience. I don't fold under pressure, when tensions or stress is high im unbothered when most people panic, it's extremely difficult in the real world for people to phase me, I can ignore pretty much anyone or anything as if they don't exist, etc..

My therapist always challenges me to pull positives from negatives but tbh im still conflicted though. All of those traits I named above come from stupidly high amounts of emotional detachment and the way I keep one foot out and one foot in by habit has saved me from prolonging toxic connections with people but also has ended a large amount of good ones

Do you care to start your own family, and if so what do you see yourself doing differently?

Yeah. My confidence and resiliency comes from it. I just know at the end of the day, I’M number one in my life. Nobody’s going to take care, of look out for me, better than I can.

NEVER PUT YOUR LIFE IN THE HANDS OF BROKEN PEOPLE. It’ll be the “blind leading the blind”. My family doesn’t care about educating themselves. I do. When you’re educated, you avoid being swindled and conned. I will say, my work ethic comes from my parents. They work hard. But at some point, you need results! You can work hard and still be mentally or physically lazy.

I’m fearless. I don’t value anyone’s opinion. Because at the end of the day, everyone has issues and problems. You can’t run from your problems. They’ll eventually catch up. My female cousin who has a college degree, high paying job said “You know you’re the smartest person in the family, right?” I’ve always known this. Deep down inside, I think this is why a lot of my relatives resent me. Because I’m smart as heck.

I’ve been called aloof, nonchalant, uninterested, etc. When in reality, I just don’t care about certain things. And I’ll let people know that. I’m sociable but, if I don’t like someone (even if they’re a complete stranger) I’m going to let them know.

 

[Top Boy]

I just know at the end of the day, I’M number one in my life. Nobody’s going to take care, of look out for me, better than I can.

Bruh... Preach. Word for word, this is the same exact conclusion i've reached concerning my own life and the only reason why I've gone as far as I have regardless of my upbringing and my family being what it is. I feel this is the natural conclusion anyone who has fended for themselves for a prolonged period of time reaches.

NEVER PUT YOUR LIFE IN THE HANDS OF BROKEN PEOPLE.

Facts... Thia is part of the reason why I consider my emotional detachment both a positive and negative trait. I can cut toxicity off instantly and ghost someone, regardless of history, as if they've never existed. When the cons of my relationship with someone begins to outweigh the pros, they're gone. No dramatic encounters, no long texts, just ghosted.

My family doesn’t care about educating themselves. I do. When you’re educated, you avoid being swindled and conned. I will say, my work ethic comes from my parents. They work hard. But at some point, you need results! You can work hard and still be mentally or physically lazy.

This is where I was privileged. Although im the only one in my generation with a degree, the older members of my family all have one or more. My family has worked their entire lives and I can credit my work ethic to them as well. But again, you're correct, for working so hard my family has surprisingly little to show for it. One small house in a halfway decent neighborhood is about the extent of that work. Because my siblings still need regular financial assistance and im the only independent one, I have to throw the older members of my family bread regularly to help keep them afloat. If im going to slave away for the rest of my life I need significantly more to show for it than that.

I’m fearless. I don’t value anyone’s opinion. Because at the end of the day, everyone has issues and problems. You can’t run from your problems. They’ll eventually catch up.

I agree. I'd add that my experience has taught me you can't allow your issues to consume you either. You can be mad, you can be depressed, you can be all of the above, but then what? Allowing yourself to be paralyzed by your issues just digs your hole deeper. Refusing to move forward because of these negative emotions just adds on to the disservice you do to self. But at the end of the day I understand that this isn't actionable advice for everybody. I've got first row seats to the way trauma manifest over time and my coping mechanism of detachment I understand is not a given as a result of that trauma. The one cousin my family is close with was raised similarly and she feels too much, negative emotions outright paralyze her and she's sensitive to the emotions of others... Its hard for me to even comprehend it, I feel so little at this point all I can do is use logic to relate. But again, pros and cons..

 

[wr]

I lived with the illusion that I had a healthy family because I grew up with Mom & Dad in the house.

But he was very abusive, distant and I realized after therapy I never really had a conversation with dude. He treated us like bootcamp growing up. Just even realizing whats happened to me has taken years to process along with the daily work and living life. I had to realize if I don't get some help soon, I'm gonna be just like him when I get older.
Also got pretty sad realizing how many years I lost under his bad direction, and how much more I have to get through. I'm taking my time and working on myself.

Knowing is half the battle.

Also the affect it had on my mom. Basically realized she was the strong one the whole time keeping us together even though everyone tried to play her as a weakling for putting up with him. Strong silent type.

Also dealing with a lot of his racism towards African Americans as a first generation West Indian immigrant and my mom from the US. It's like growing up in an interacial household that only I can see because we look like a "regular black American family" from a distance whateverthatmay be

 

[Belgium]

I had good friends and a great mom but my dad was a bit of a psycho, an alcoholic and deeply racist. I think I'm very lucky to come out of that largely unscathed and with a good head on my shoulders.

I mentioned this in a different conversation but I can only recall very little of my early childhood despite having plenty fun times and good friends.
One thing I do recall is an incident that took place in the 2nd grade when I was home alone with my dad and had some homework to do.

I wanted to postpone homework to later in the evening but my dad wasn't having it and he went to grab his shotgun, along with 2 shells.
He placed one of the shells next to my homework and othered me to do start immediately, otherwise he'd shoot my cat.
I initally pushed back, probably out of shock, and he started to load the second shell into the shotgun. He then started to aim at our cat and placed his finger on the trigger.
I got to work and he went back to watching tv nearby with the loaded shotgun next to him.

It's not like he tried any other method first to try and stop me from postponing my homework, just went straight to that.
I didn't tell my mom or anyone else until a decade later or so, after my mom would eventualy work up the courage and resources to divorce and move away.

There was another incident that took place in the 8th or 9th grade if I recall correctly. I was playing Xbox Live with 2 of my friends and I heard some noise downstairs but I couldn't tell what was going on.
Not much later I heard an ambulance in my street and made some joke about one of the neighbors probably drinking too much again. The siren came closer however and appeared to be right next door.
I told my friends on the headset to wait for a minute while I looked out from my window to see what was going on. It turned out the ambulance was right infront of my house and I saw my dad being carried on a stretcher with a slit wrist.
At that moment my mom called from downstairs that he tried to commit suicide.

My friends heard it through my headset so they were just as shocked as I was. My dad was an alcoholic and I guess he was acting paranoid again about my mom supposedly cheating, which was by no means even remotely accurate. Police also confiscated my dad's firearms but in a baffling decision actually gave some of them back when he returned home from the hospital.
He generally acted like nothing happened and seemed just as paranoid as before. I recall being a little scared he'd shoot up the house but I didn't have the courage to use my legal authority to tell the cops to confiscate the guns until further notice. In Belgium, any member of a household can legally block another household member from keeping guns in the house.


While my dad's paranoia about supposed cheating from my mom were unfounded, she was preparing to divorce and move away. The suicide attempt and increasingly unstable behavior accelerated the process. I requested to be involved in the negotiations as I believed I had a better chance of forcing concessions from my dad. I was able to get him to sign a contract that he could not sell the family home under any circumstances unless I sought to purchase it and I also got him to raise the child support payments. I knew that on something like my birthday he'd give me €10 or so whereas he'd give double that or even more on some occasions if I said I was going for drinks at the bar. I tried to make the case that as I'd grow older, I would be in bars more frequently and this somehow convinced my dad to raise the amount. I initally tried to make the argument that my mom and I not only had much less savings and also didn't make as much as my dad but that argument was shut down pretty quickly.

My mom wanted to file a restraining order but I objected on the basis that he probably wouldn't think twice about disowning me. I convinced my mom to not go for the restraining order by telling her I could continue manipulating financial concessions out of my dad with the least contact possible, while also making sure any contact with only be with me. My mom later told me my cold demeanor and manipulative scheming concerned her. I was 15 or 16 at the time I believe.

It took about half a year to finalize all that since the suicide attempt, which were some very awkward months. New Years Eve in that timeframe included my dad accusing my mom of trying to poison him for example.


I had good friends and my mom made sure I kept a good head on my shoulders so I reckon I turned out alright considering the circumstances. Because my dad was such a detestable figure, I made sure to not take on his views and my mom helped further instill the right values.

Despite having a good memory I struggle to recall much from my early childhood due to those experiences, despite lots of fun times.
One other consequence is that I have very little empathy according to my family, later teachers, the psychologist, ...
Not in the sense that I don't have moral standards or that I can't discern other people's emotions but in the sense that I'm essentially an "emotional flatline" when it comes to negative things that should evoke at least some emotional response. I wasn't always that way but for example, when my dad died in 2017 I didn't feel any different despite requesting and signing a Do Not Reanimate document immediately after the hospital notified me he went into a coma due to alcoholism-induced liver failure. One of the nurses later confided to my mom that she felt a bit weird about my demeanor, I can understand why. I asked the medical staff to prepare the DNR document during the notification phonecall and then immediately signed it when I arrived. I knew further organ failure and subsequent bloodpoisoning was imminent based on his condition so I felt it was a logical and easy decision.

I tend to see that lack of empathy as a positive as it helps me deal with tough situations in a calm and collected manner but it does feel weird at times that my emotional response does not match with my views.

Generally people describe me as warm, positive, friendly and helpful so thankfully I didn’t turn into some gloomy and bitter cold person.