Thoughts/comments on my english essay?

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Joined Oct 27, 2007
My english essay is on legalization of marijuana. Can you give thoughts/comments on it? Mods can lock if you feel its inappropriate.


For every 40 seconds, a person in America is arrested for the possession of marijuana. In the year of 2005, according to the Federal Bureauof Investigation's annual Uniform Crime Report, an estimated 1.8 millionpeople have been arrested for drug possessions. Of these 1.8 million arrests, 786,545 people have been arrested for marijuana violations. These results arestaggering solely based on the fact that marijuana is harmless to the body and police arrests should be made for more important conflicts. Although marijuanais less harmful to a person than alcohol, cigarettes, or even caffeine, 9 billion tax dollars are spent yearly dealing with marijuana laws. Marijuana is ableto be used as a natural legal medicine with proven health alleviations showing that it is very safe and because of that, there is no reason for it to be anillegal drug. Marijuana should be legalized because there are no proven facts stating marijuana is detrimental to the human body, police arrests and 9 billiondollars spent enforcing marijuana laws will be ceased, and the taxation and selling of marijuana may help the economy providing new jobs related to marijuanaand government money from taxing.

Marijuana is the least harmful illegal drug known today and even safer than many potentially harmful substances such as alcohol and cigarettes.Unlike cigarettes and alcohol, there are no long term affects from the consumption of marijuana such as lung cancer, brain damage, or damage to the immunesystem. In fact, marijuana is used legally for medicinal purposes to help people deal with cancer. The consumption of marijuana would relieve people fromchronic pain, stimulate their appetite, and alleviate nausea and vomiting. There are very few side affects of marijuana and those side affects which includeshort term memory loss are only when a person is under the influence of marijuana. According to the Bureau of Mortality Statistics, annually, 435,000 peoplehave died from the consumption of tobacco, 85,000 people have died from the consumption of alcohol, and 0 people have died from the consumption of marijuana.The only way a person could die from an overdose is by consuming 1,500 pounds of marijuana all at once.

The beliefs that marijuana is harmful to a person's body are absolutely false. An opposition to the legalization of marijuana may state smokingmarijuana can cause cancer and serious lung damage. However, this statement is untrue as a 1997 UCLA School of Medicine study conducted on 243 marijuanasmokers over an 8 year period reported that, "Findings from the long-term study of heavy, habitual marijuana smokers argue against the concept thatcontinuing heavy use of marijuana is a significant risk factor for the development of chronic lung disease." The opposition may also state that marijuanaimpairs learning ability. Although this statement is true, marijuana only impairs learning ability temporarily and only while being under the influence ofcannabis. It has been statistically proven that casual marijuana users showed no long term signs of impaired learning. In fact, heavy alcohol use has beencited as being much more detrimental in terms of brain damage when compared to marijuana.

Annually, the U.S. spends around 9 billion dollars each year to jail, prosecute, arrest, or counsel marijuana users. The amount of money the U.S. spends isastounding considering the fact that the time and money used to enforce marijuana laws can instead be used for more practical things. If marijuana islegalized, no money or time would be spent enforcing laws illegalizing marijuana. This would mean police would have more time to do more important things thanarresting people for the possession of marijuana. There have been so many arrests that in the year of 2007, it has been reported that there were more arrestsfor the possession of marijuana than murder, manslaughter, forcible rape, robbery, and aggravated assault crimes combined.

If marijuana is legalized, the revenue from the possible taxing of marijuana and new jobs related to marijuana will help the nation's economy immensely.In the year of 2006, according to marijuana policy researcher Jon Gettman, although marijuana is illegal, it was the most valuable cash crop in America. Infact, marijuana production at a value of 35.8 billion is so big that it even exceeded the combined value of corn and wheat. If marijuana were to be taxedsimilar to alcohol or tobacco, an estimated 6.2 billion dollars would be made annually with 9 billion dollars saved annually in law enforcement costs. In theyear of 2009, the unemployment rate of America is 8.9 %. If marijuana were to be legalized, although not an extremely significant number of jobs would beavailable, badly needed jobs related to the production of marijuana would still be created nonetheless.

Opposition against the legalization of marijuana may say that cannabis is a "gateway" drug meaning after consuming marijuana will result in peoplewanting to try harder and stronger drugs such as cocaine and heroin. However, recent research has proven that the gateway drug theory is completely false. Thestudy conducted by Jan van Ours of Tilburg University in the Netherlands concluded that after covering 17,000 people through four surveys, it was found thatthere was little difference in the probability of an individual taking up cocaine as to whether or not he or she had used cannabis. Statistically, according toNORML Foundation Executive Director Allen St. Pierre, or every 104 Americans who have tried marijuana, there is only one regular user of cocaine, and less thanone user of heroin. The gateway drug theory is nothing more than a myth that has more than often been proven to be incorrect.

Right now, the United States government is losing the war on drugs against marijuana. The War on Drugs is a campaign that has been launched since 1969intending to reduce the illegal drug trade. For three decades, the United Sates has been fighting for a lost cause as marijuana is more popular and easier toobtain than ever. The United States has spent billions of dollars trying to get rid of the biggest cash crop in America without success. It is only smart tolegalize something that almost half of the nation now approves of. On February 23, 2009, California Assembly Bill 390 was proposed by Tom Ammiano which was thefirst bill introduced to legalize the sale and use of marijuana in California. If passed and signed into law, marijuana would be sold and taxed openly toadults age 21 and older in California. This bill is one of the first steps to the process of legalizing marijuana as this bill has gained much nationalattention and approval.
 
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Joined Jul 6, 2008
im reluctant to read when i see a paragraph with at least 3 or 4 lines in it

this is just overkill
 
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Joined Apr 24, 2003
You over-used the word marijuana. You say it several times back to back. You should find appropriate synonyms and use some of those to switch it up.
 

ape

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Joined Aug 28, 2008
the only reason you're getting any responses on this thread, and not getting flamed, is because your essay is in support of the vast number of NT potheads,I included.
 
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Joined Mar 18, 2008
These results are staggering solely based on the fact that marijuana is harmless to the body
This is not a fact - and thus far I haven't seen you provide any evidence to prove your "fact". More to come...

marijuana is less harmful to a person
Then you go on to say that it is "less" harmful meaning that it was somewhat harmful to begin with. These two statements arecontradictory.


Marijuana is able to be used as a natural legal medicine with proven health alleviations showing that it is very safe
This is where you need to cite examples/sources of how it's been proven.

may help the economy by providing new jobs
side affects
That's side effects.

The beliefs that marijuana is harmful to a person's body are absolutely false.
You say this... but then you say this...

The opposition may also state that marijuana impairs learning ability. Although this statement is true
Now while you do mention that it's only temporarily - you can't argue and present as fact that marijuana does not harm the body at all.Once again, you're contradicting yourself.

However, this statement is untrue as a 1997 UCLA School of Medicine study conducted on 243 marijuana smokers over an 8 year period
I would see if you can find similar studies with similar results because quite frankly 243 marijuana smokers are not representative of the entiremarijuana smoking community.

May I suggest: Rather then saying your point and then showing the opposing point in the same sentence... construct 4 or 5paragraphs arguing your point then another paragraph saying what the opposition thinks of the ideas and how they represent themselves - then the next paragraphdisproving their arguments with a final paragraph summarizing your points while also mentioning how they represent their point.

the time and money used to enforce marijuana laws can instead be used for more practical things.
Such as? You need to complete your thought.

If marijuana were to be legalized, although not an extremely significant number of jobs would be available, badly needed jobs related to the production of marijuana would still be created nonetheless.
You need to fix this sentence somehow... it comes across as clunky and just doesn't flow properly.



The study conducted by Jan van Ours of Tilburg University in the Netherlands concluded that after covering 17,000 people through four surveys, it was found that there was little difference in the probability of an individual taking up cocaine as to whether or not he or she had used cannabis
I wouldn't use a survey to back up an important claim to your argument. You either need to find several others with similar results or toss itout altogether - I prefer the latter.
Statistically, according to NORML Foundation Executive Director Allen St. Pierre, or every 104 Americans who have tried marijuana, there is only one regular user of cocaine, and less than one user of heroin. The gateway drug theory is nothing more than a myth that has more than often been proven to be incorrect.

Too many commas in these sentences. Also the end to your second sentence should be reworded.
Right now, the United States government is losing the war on drugs against marijuana.
Just say the war against marijuana. The war on drugs against marijuana seems redundant and unnecessary.
For three decades, the United Sates has been fighting for a lost cause as marijuana is more popular and easier to obtain than ever.
Says who? Do you have any evidence to support your claim?
It is only smart to legalize something that almost half of the nation now approves of.
I wouldn't go that far.

Closing thoughts: I would scrap the essay and write a new one from the ground up. Most of your arguments aren't supported by anyfacts or studies with substance. Once I read your last sentence I had to scroll back up to see if I copied and pasted it incorrectly - I was left with afeeling of... That's it? A good essay doesn't leave the reader feel this way. You need a conclusion which summarizes your points, your opponentspoints, and how your arguments would make this country a better place.

Good luck.
 
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Joined Jun 20, 2008
*highlight, copy, paste, save as "Weed Essay"*

good lookin out on the free esssay for next semester holmes.


-The Juice
 
2,779
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Joined Jun 18, 2007
Essay is repetitive and unoriginal, and simply not interesting. Anyone can list statistics over and over again, and recycle old arguments. Add some interestinganalysis or something that makes the essay distinctly yours, and not a laundry list of so called facts.
 
213
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Joined Oct 27, 2007
Originally Posted by The Yes Guy

Essay is repetitive and unoriginal, and simply not interesting. Anyone can list statistics over and over again, and recycle old arguments. Add some interesting analysis or something that makes the essay distinctly yours, and not a laundry list of so called facts.
give an example of interesting analysis.... i do not understand what you mean by that
 
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Joined Aug 14, 2008
The subject itself is somewhat tired, but at this point it seems too late to change. I would make the first paragraph more enticing, because the argumentpresented there is far from original and doesn't make me want to read your essay.
 
18,905
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Joined Dec 28, 2004
Originally Posted by OrenthalJames

*highlight, copy, paste, save as "Weed Essay"*

good lookin out on the free esssay for next semester holmes.


-The Juice

lol
 
4,012
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Joined Dec 19, 2006
Originally Posted by OrenthalJames

*highlight, copy, paste, save as "Weed Essay"*

good lookin out on the free esssay for next semester holmes.


-The Juice

Do not forget to site your source, I'm sure if you just put, 'bRoKeoFFnIkeS' from NikeTalk, your professor will understand.
 
2,779
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Joined Jun 18, 2007
Originally Posted by bRoKeoFFnIkeS

Originally Posted by The Yes Guy

Essay is repetitive and unoriginal, and simply not interesting. Anyone can list statistics over and over again, and recycle old arguments. Add some interesting analysis or something that makes the essay distinctly yours, and not a laundry list of so called facts.
give an example of interesting analysis.... i do not understand what you mean by that

I'm not going to write your essay for you here. I just mean avoid simply saying "research shows" and repeating what those studies have found. Ifyou are only doing that you aren't doing anything but reorganizing old information. I know it is difficult with such a tired topic, especially one that isso polarizing. You can really only argue for or against. You chose for. Make me feel like your side is the only right side, because you say so, not because ofwhat studies show. I really don't know where I'm going with this, but to me the essay needs help, and that's my gut reaction for how to improve it.
 
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Joined Nov 21, 2007
bRoKeoFFnIkeS wrote:

Marijuana should be legalized because there are no proven facts stating marijuana is detrimental to the human body, police arrests and 9 billion dollars spent enforcing marijuana laws will be ceased, and the taxation and selling of marijuana may help the economy providing new jobs related to marijuana and government money from taxing.

thesis? i'm not a fan. too wordy. try to make the statement more concise, i find it's more effective that way.
Unlike cigarettes and alcohol, there are no long term affects* from the consumption of marijuana

* effects

oops

In fact, heavy alcohol use has been cited as being much more detrimental

second time thus far used in this essay. use a thesaurus, but don't sound pretentious while doing it.
If marijuana is legalized, no money or time would be spent enforcing laws illegalizing marijuana.
?? prohibiting?
If marijuana is legalized, the revenue from the possible taxing of marijuana and new jobs related to marijuana will help the nation's economy immensely. In the year of 2006, according to marijuana policy researcher Jon Gettman, although marijuana is illegal, it was the most valuable cash crop in America. In fact, marijuana production at a value of 35.8 billion is so big that it even exceeded the combined value of corn and wheat. If marijuana were to be taxed similar to alcohol or tobacco, an estimated 6.2 billion dollars would be made annually with 9 billion dollars saved annually in law enforcement costs. In the year of 2009, the unemployment rate of America is 8.9 %. If marijuana were to be legalized, although not an extremely significant number of jobs would be available, badly needed jobs related to the production of marijuana would still be created nonetheless.


this sounds very plagiarized.
Opposition against the legalization of marijuana may say that cannabis is a "gateway" drug meaning after consuming marijuana will result in people wanting to try harder and stronger drugs such as cocaine and heroin. However, recent research has proven that the gateway drug theory is completely false. The study conducted by Jan van Ours of Tilburg University in the Netherlands concluded that after covering 17,000 people through four surveys, it was found that there was little difference in the probability of an individual taking up cocaine as to whether or not he or she had used cannabis. Statistically, according to NORML Foundation Executive Director Allen St. Pierre, or every 104 Americans who have tried marijuana, there is only one regular user of cocaine, and less than one user of heroin. The gateway drug theory is nothing more than a myth that has more than often been proven to be incorrect.

obviously copy pasted and slightly reworded.
Right now, the United States government is losing the war on drugs against marijuana. The War on Drugs is a campaign that has been launched since 1969 intending to reduce the illegal drug trade. For three decades, the United Sates has been fighting for a lost cause as marijuana is more popular and easier to obtain than ever. The United States has spent billions of dollars trying to get rid of the biggest cash crop in America without success. It is only smart to legalize something that almost half of the nation now approves of. On February 23, 2009, California Assembly Bill 390 was proposed by Tom Ammiano which was the first bill introduced to legalize the sale and use of marijuana in California. If passed and signed into law, marijuana would be sold and taxed openly to adults age 21 and older in California. This bill is one of the first steps to the process of legalizing marijuana as this bill has gained much national attention and approval.
did you intend for that to be your concluding paragraph? if so, you shouldn't be introducing new information in the conclusion. if not, youneed one. one that doesn't begin with "in conclusion"

also, your introductory paragraph needs .... something i don't know it's kind of lackluster and could use some of your personal pizazz

all in all, the essay is very tedious and reminiscent of essays i used to write when i was in high school- when i would just copy & paste from wikipedia(
) you could phrase some things differently, maybe it would be better. idk.

godspeed.
 
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