Thoughts/comments on my english essay?

[jsmilez]

Your essay is too broad. I think this is why people find this essay repetitive and lacking. You're not developing one idea -- instead you're justpresenting multiple ideas while barely getting into the information.

It would really help if you just choose one of the three topics in your thesis statement -- that way, you can give your reader a more in depth argument ratherthan just scratching the surface of the whole marijuana debate.

1. Choose one topic from your thesis
2. Why do you think that topic is important to the legalization of marijuana?
3. What are people saying about it, and why is your argument better than theirs?

Good luck.

Edit: I didn't read the essay. I only read the thesis. I'm an English major so trust me.

 

[brokeoffnikes]

Wow.... i didnt know my essay was THAT bad. Looks like im starting this over.

 

[deletedelete]

Originally Posted by Jsmilez


Edit: I didn't read the essay. I only read the thesis. I'm an English major so trust me.

fallacious argument

Spoiler

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i intend to minor in philosophy- sorry, i had to.

 

[brokeoffnikes]

.............

 

[thunderchunk69]

Originally Posted by SiMPLYDiMPLY

Spoiler

Spoiler

i intend to minor in philosophy- sorry, i had to.

won't front
hard to find a girl into philosophy

, that isnt a snot nosed dork ofcourse

 

[brokeoffnikes]

Originally Posted by SiMPLYDiMPLY

bRoKeoFFnIkeS wrote:

Marijuana should be legalized because there are no proven facts stating marijuana is detrimental to the human body, police arrests and 9 billion dollars spent enforcing marijuana laws will be ceased, and the taxation and selling of marijuana may help the economy providing new jobs related to marijuana and government money from taxing.

thesis? i'm not a fan. too wordy. try to make the statement more concise, i find it's more effective that way.

Unlike cigarettes and alcohol, there are no long term affects* from the consumption of marijuana

* effects

oops

In fact, heavy alcohol use has been cited as being much more detrimental

second time thus far used in this essay. use a thesaurus, but don't sound pretentious while doing it.

If marijuana is legalized, no money or time would be spent enforcing laws illegalizing marijuana.
?? prohibiting?

If marijuana is legalized, the revenue from the possible taxing of marijuana and new jobs related to marijuana will help the nation's economy immensely. In the year of 2006, according to marijuana policy researcher Jon Gettman, although marijuana is illegal, it was the most valuable cash crop in America. In fact, marijuana production at a value of 35.8 billion is so big that it even exceeded the combined value of corn and wheat. If marijuana were to be taxed similar to alcohol or tobacco, an estimated 6.2 billion dollars would be made annually with 9 billion dollars saved annually in law enforcement costs. In the year of 2009, the unemployment rate of America is 8.9 %. If marijuana were to be legalized, although not an extremely significant number of jobs would be available, badly needed jobs related to the production of marijuana would still be created nonetheless.


this sounds very plagiarized.

Opposition against the legalization of marijuana may say that cannabis is a "gateway" drug meaning after consuming marijuana will result in people wanting to try harder and stronger drugs such as cocaine and heroin. However, recent research has proven that the gateway drug theory is completely false. The study conducted by Jan van Ours of Tilburg University in the Netherlands concluded that after covering 17,000 people through four surveys, it was found that there was little difference in the probability of an individual taking up cocaine as to whether or not he or she had used cannabis. Statistically, according to NORML Foundation Executive Director Allen St. Pierre, or every 104 Americans who have tried marijuana, there is only one regular user of cocaine, and less than one user of heroin. The gateway drug theory is nothing more than a myth that has more than often been proven to be incorrect.

obviously copy pasted and slightly reworded.

Right now, the United States government is losing the war on drugs against marijuana. The War on Drugs is a campaign that has been launched since 1969 intending to reduce the illegal drug trade. For three decades, the United Sates has been fighting for a lost cause as marijuana is more popular and easier to obtain than ever. The United States has spent billions of dollars trying to get rid of the biggest cash crop in America without success. It is only smart to legalize something that almost half of the nation now approves of. On February 23, 2009, California Assembly Bill 390 was proposed by Tom Ammiano which was the first bill introduced to legalize the sale and use of marijuana in California. If passed and signed into law, marijuana would be sold and taxed openly to adults age 21 and older in California. This bill is one of the first steps to the process of legalizing marijuana as this bill has gained much national attention and approval.
did you intend for that to be your concluding paragraph? if so, you shouldn't be introducing new information in the conclusion. if not, you need one. one that doesn't begin with "in conclusion"

also, your introductory paragraph needs .... something i don't know it's kind of lackluster and could use some of your personal pizazz

all in all, the essay is very tedious and reminiscent of essays i used to write when i was in high school- when i would just copy & paste from wikipedia (

) you could phrase some things differently, maybe it would be better. idk.

godspeed.




what grade do you think i would get for being a sophmore in high school?

 

[jordanhead2]

Originally Posted by Cobra Kai

1st thought that comes to mind.

aint reading that.

 

[rocafella kidd]

if this is the kid who smoked the joint in class.. your a G

 

[swyftdahoe]

What grade are you in?

 

[moonmaster3]

Jesus, you're a sophomore in high school writing that crap? Homie, I put in some of those paragraphs into a plagiarizer checker and you basically copiedand pasted ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS and just cut out a few words and switch some up.

Your first paragraph is complete crap, you shouldn't have said you were a sophomore because I really thought you were in seventh grade. Your grasp of theenglish language along with how to formulate an essay is below average at best.

F

 

[btonnt]

Originally Posted by moonmaster3

Jesus, you're a sophomore in high school writing that crap? Homie, I put in some of those paragraphs into a plagiarizer checker and you basically copied and pasted ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS and just cut out a few words and switch some up.

Your first paragraph is complete crap, you shouldn't have said you were a sophomore because I really thought you were in seventh grade. Your grasp of the english language along with how to formulate an essay is below average at best.

F

but tell us how you really feel...

 

[sundoobie]

Good job.

For more references regarding Cannabis... check this site out.

http://www.jackherer.com/chapters.html

 

[jbnsoul]

Your writing is terrible. You're trying to write your essay with intelligent rhetoric, but it is not happening. Don't try to church up the subject;people always think they're writing about this from a new and fresh approach, thinking they're special and unique. I think it's time you realizethat you aren't special or unique. Your point of view on the subject is not fresh, the subject is tired, and because of your ineffective cliched writingthe valid arguments for legalization suffer.

 

[btonnt]

I think it's time you realize that you aren't special or unique.

wow

these dudes are going SUPER-hard on this kid.

I think Im seeing more and more how some of you just want to find anything you can to be upset about/insulting on.

ahh...the internet.

 

[Master Zik]

I thought NT wasn't allowed to help with homework? or are we suppose to be talking about the legalization of marijuana?

If it's the latter ya essay should've simply been "Anything else would be uncivilized"

or "It doesn't make sense not to. The logical move is to legalizeit."

 

[bc2310]

Damn I guess there are a couple english majors on NT

 

[davidisgodly]

Great form, solid writing skills you have. If you didn't plagiarize.....

Ideas aren't there yet. Sounds like a essay all on facts. I wanted to see some personal feelings that would make you want to legalize MJ.

 

[jbnsoul]

BC2310 wrote:

---

Damn I guess there are a couple english majors on NT

Naw, just a minor...

 

[scribble253]

^^ How can I improve my writing skills? Are there any good websites you guys suggest?

 

[bc2310]

Originally Posted by JBnSOUL

BC2310 wrote:

---

Damn I guess there are a couple english majors on NT

Naw, just a minor...



I'm guessing Billy Bloodbath, Simply, and Jsmilez have a passion for english major or not...

Off topic JSmilez this your favorite group

haha j/p corny I know but when I read your screen name in my head I was like:
"love, hate, mistakes, tell me what you think is goin on"

 

[gmills23]

Originally Posted by OrenthalJames

*highlight, copy, paste, save as "Weed Essay"*

good lookin out on the free esssay for next semester holmes.

-The Juice

 

[chrisl5mavs]

Originally Posted by bRoKeoFFnIkeS




For every 40 seconds, a person in America is arrested for the possession of marijuana.

I stopped reading after this first sentence....

There is no need for that first "For" to be in there...

 

[deletedelete]

Originally Posted by Master Zik

I thought NT wasn't allowed to help with homework?

eh there is a difference between homework help( like actually DOING their homework and math problems),and aiding a person by giving them constructive criticism & feedback on work that they have already done. it's a good way to learn.

& definitely NOT an english major

i hate that class, but i guess ijust have an affinity for it *shrugs*

 

[bc2310]

Originally Posted by SiMPLYDiMPLY

Originally Posted by Master Zik

I thought NT wasn't allowed to help with homework?

eh there is a difference between homework help( like actually DOING their homework and math problems), and aiding a person by giving them constructive criticism & feedback on work that they have already done. it's a good way to learn.

& definitely NOT an english major

i hate that class, but i guess i just have an affinity for it *shrugs*

affinity and fallacious are not words used by your average NT'er you must've been on the school paper or something, big ups to the inteligentNT'ers

 

[jsmilez]

Originally Posted by scribble253

^^ How can I improve my writing skills? Are there any good websites you guys suggest?

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/

I suggest the OP to look into this website as well.