- Joined Apr 24, 2006
[h2]Top 11: Pickupballers we love to hate[/h2]
Many of us enjoy agood pickup game. We head to gyms or parks to get our fix, and most of the time it's all fun and games. But occasionally, we run into one of these 11dudes and things don't go as planned. We all know these guys. They have the ability to implode a team or destroy an entire game. And chances are if youdon't recognize any of the ballers on our list, you may very well be one of them. Uh oh.
11. Weight Room Guy.
Vital Signs: Wife-beatertank top; shorter than average shorts; disproportionate amount of muscle.
Player he most resembles: DwightHoward, assuming Howard was a foot shorter and had been dropped on his head repeatedly as a child.
Reason we hate him: Weight RoomGuy looks like he could be good at basketball. He's clearly in shape, resembles a shorter version of the Incredible Hulk, and appears to be passionateabout athletics. Of course, none of those attributes necessarily translate to the basketball court.
As soon as the game begins, you regret adding Weight Room Guy to your team. Clearly he's here for one reason and one reason only: it's cardioday, and the track was full. He's willing to run up and down court, but that's about it. On the rare occasion that he manages to grab a rebound orhaul in a loose ball (because no one is passing to him at this point), he either dribbles the ball off his foot or throws a laser beam line drive off thebackboard; consider it a bonus if he hits rim.
For all his on-courtdeficiencies, Weight Room Guy isn't lacking in the personality department. Well, if you consider anger a personality trait, that is. Thanks to all thehormones and pills he consumes, Weight Room Guy is rather surly and hard to get along with. He screams four-letter obscenities after each missed shot, andgets in the face of the opponent when they call fouls on him.
Weight Room Guy'sone good quality is that he quickly loses interest in the game. After one or two runs, at most, Weight Room Guy will leave the floor and head back to the oneplace he can truly call home, the weight room.
10. The Old Timer.
Vital Signs: Older thanyou; short shorts; headband; wristbands; sport goggles; jockstrap beneath short shorts.
Player he most resembles: RobertParish, Larry Nance, or Kurt Rambis.
Reason we hate him: First of all,there are two types of old timer to be aware of. There's the "Young Old Timer," for one, and the "Old Old Timer" foranother.
The Young Old Timeris generally between the ages of 40 and 55. He plays ball for exercise, and is in complete denial that the game has passed him by. He can kind of keep upwith the younger crowd that he plays with, but relies on dirty tricks and an arsenal of ball fakes to hold his own. The Young Old Timer can be a danger toanyone younger than him, because there is no limit to the amount of physical abuse he'll dish out to win a ballgame. He'll gouge your eyes, throwelbows at your face, or even yank your ballsack if it will give him an edge.
The Old Old Timer is55 years of age or older. He's a bona fide senior citizen and is considerably tamer than the Young Old Timer. The Old Old Timer is in good shape for hisage, and is just happy to be able to still play basketball. He'll generally chat it up with whoever is guarding him, and provide almost no help to theother four members of his team. Don't fall asleep on the Old Old Timer, however. He may not be quick, but he has a mean set shot, and as soon as youstart sagging off him to clog the lane, he'll knock down a fifteen-footer and embarrass you. No one wants to get schooled by an old man.
9. Pants Guy.
Vital Signs: Wearing longpants of some sort, be it sweats, jeans, or khakis.
Player he most resembles: The scrub whonever takes off his warmups.
Reason we hate him: Pants Guy isthe walking definition of an enigma. He's either so good that he doesn't feel the need to wear shorts when he plays, or so terrible that hedoesn't own any shorts to play in. In general, we immediately assume the latter with Pants Guy. However, when we're wrong, we're very, verywrong.
Good Pants Guyseemingly floats upcourt, catching an alley-oop pass before performing a triple axel and throwing down a between-the-legs reverse jam. He lands with a curtsy,then floats to the other end of the court to block a shot. He never sweats. He makes the other nine guys on the court question their manhood. He makes yourethink your dedication to basketball, and generally makes you hate life. He's also rarely on your team.
Bad Pants Guy usually is on your team, though. Andhe's really, really bad. Bad Pants Guy has no business being on the court, no right to look at a basketball, and no reason to be living, in your opinion. You and the rest of your team want to take Bad Pants Guy behind the woodshed and strangle him with those cargo pants of his, then come back and finish thegame. Bad Pants Guy has no athletic skill and possesses the power to single-handedly destroy a team.
8. The Poser.
Vital Signs: Brand new Jordans; baller bands; strategically-placedheadband.
Player he most resembles: WayneChism.
Reason we hate him: The Poser isan optical illusion. To the naked eye, he resembles a basketball player. To the basketball player, he resembles a fool.
The Poser passes thelook test with flying colors, but fails miserably when it comes to game time. The actual ability of The Poser varies; some Posers are flat-out horrible,others have their bright moments from time to time. Either way, The Poser isn't nearly as good as he looks, and is often much worse than he thinksis.
In his own mind, ThePoser is Kobe Bryant. In reality, The Poser is an out of control Steve Scheffler with identity issues.
7. Super Quick Asian.
Vital Signs: Asian; super quick; short in stature; completely out of control;appears to be on a combination of crack and Red Bull.
Player he most resembles: YutaTabuse.
Reason we hate him: Nobody cankeep up with Super Quick Asian. His energy is relentless, and his game tiring. God forbid you ever get stuck guarding Super Quick Asian, because you'llspend the entire time chasing him around the court. Luckily, Super Quick Asian rarely ever makes a basket, instead opting to run the fast break at aridiculous pace before overshooting the backboard on a layup attempt, or throwing the ball out of bounds.
Where Super QuickAsian does excel is on defense. If you even try to put the ball on the floor, he'll take it from you and pull down your pants, leaving you standing thereempty-handed and in your boxers.
Inevitably, SuperQuick Asian usually doesn't show up until you're down to your last game or two. At this point, you'd have a tough time guarding a mule, let alonea human being who possesses track star speed. While he's just getting started, you're contemplating suicide, making for a horrible combination of twoevils.
6. The Untalented Big Man.
Vital Signs: Abnormally tall; abnormally slow; abnormallyuncoordinated.
Player he most resembles: MouhamedSene.
Reason we hate him: In the worldof pickup, if you can land someone on your team bigger than 6′6″, you're almost guaranteed a W. Not so, with The Untalented BigMan.
TUBM is a liability. You keep feeding him the ball inside thinking he'll do something with it, only to watch him dribble it out of bounds, travel, or airball a five-footer. He's been blessed with a God-given gift that most of us can only dream of - extreme height - and he's wasted it by sitting on the couch, eating pizza,and generally being a detriment to society.
On defense, TUBM isjust as useless. When he isn't fouling the Super Quick Asian driving the lane for what would have been an overshot layup anyways, TUBM is either out ofposition or still trying to make his way upcourt. Even the Old Old Timer is gassing TUBM, and you are forced to watch your chance at a win slip away thanks tothe guy who should be your ticket to victory.
5. Foul B_____
Vital Signs: Calls everything a foul; takes the ball inside on everypossession; argumentative and whiny.
Player he most resembles: ManuGinobili.
Reason we hate him: Unlessthere's blood, unconsciousness, or a very blatant obstruction of what would have been a sure bucket, there is no such thing as a foul in pickup ball. Nottrue in the case of the Foul *%%*#, however. The Foul *%%*# calls a game tighter than Dave Libbey and has a future as a pompous Jayvee referee, should hechoose to go that route. The Foul *%%*# loves to drive the lane, simply so he can call his fouls after each miss and get the ball right back. Often times,the Foul *%%*# will throw up a shot, wait to see if it goes in, then call a foul after the shot fails to drop.
The worst part aboutthe Foul *%%*# are his *****y excuses for making each and every call. By the fourth or fifth questionable foul, you start requiring an explanation for thephantom hack. "On the wrist," he says, or, "Body contact." By calls six and seven, even the Foul *%%*#'s own teammates areinterrogating him, and it's a foregone conclusion that before the game is done, someone will send him flying to the deck with a foul worthy of the nine orso *****y calls he made prior to that.
4. Carlton Banks.
Vital Signs: African-American; uncoordinated; not athletic at all; talks likeTony Gwynn.
Player he most resembles: Nonewhatsoever.
Reason we hate him: Let'sface facts. No matter what ethnic race you affiliate with, we all know one thing: more often than not, it seems like black guys are good at basketball. Sowhen you're playing ball and you happen to take the court with a black guy who sucks, it's a little awkward. By nature, the black guy who sucks getsdubbed Carlton Banks, who, for those of you that don't know, is a former character on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that displayed tendencies uncharacteristicof your typical black male (or typical male of any race, for that matter).
The Carlton Banks isa lot like The Untalented Big Man in that you have high expectations for him, and he immediately lets you down. Instead of being one of your impact players,he's clearly the worst member of your team and probably shouldn't be on the court. He lacks proper coordination and is repeatedly abused by the manhe's supposed to be guarding.
Much like TUBM, youkeep giving Carlton Banks the ball in hopes that he's miraculously changed since the last possession. Unfortunately, that's usually not the case, andresults in just another turnover.
On a positive note, at least Carlton Banks is blessed with great dance moves.
3. The Pick Artist.
Vital Signs: Bigger in stature; usually slow; lacking in all aspects of thegame, except when it comes to setting picks.
Player he most resembles: MarkMadsen.
Reason we hate him: The PickArtist would be a useful role player on a team full of All-Stars, but unfortunately there are few times in the world of pickup where you have more than two orthree capable athletes on your team at any given time. Hence The Pick Artist is rendered useless under most circumstances. Which is really too bad, becausewhen it comes to setting screens, he is the Michelangelo of his craft.
The problem you runinto with The Pick Artist is that he cannot be relied upon to provide anything other than the occasional pick. Sure, he has his bright moments. He'll laya guy out here or there with the Berlin Wall of screens, or maybe even free you up for an uncontested game-winning shot now and again. But if you needanything more from The Pick Artist, you won't get it. You pass him the ball and it bounces off his chest. You need him to play defense and he standsthere with his hands raised as his man slowly dribbles around him. You need him to grab a rebound and somehow he's always boxed out. He may as well nothave limbs. The Pick Artist was fortunate enough to sprout a massive torso, and that's it. We should all be so lucky.
2. The Mouth.
Vital Signs: Never shuts up; talks trash; rarely does anything well, but whenhe does, you'll hear about it.
Player he most resembles: GaryPayton.
Reason we hate him: We go to thegym or the park to play. We don't want to talk. We talk all day, to coworkers, to our significant others, to friends…basketball is our solace. Until TheMouth arrives. That's when our dream becomes a nightmare.
The Mouth is a singleguy who lives by himself and has no friends. The only time he ever interacts with people in a semi-social environment is on a basketball court. Often, hesuffers from Little Man Complex and tries to mask his insecurities by talking smack. He has an opinion on everything that goes down during the game, from thefruity picks being set on him, to the credit card hops you have, to your ******ed shooting style, to the fact that his wheelchair-bound great-grandmother couldget around your sorry D.
The Mouth'sbiggest weakness is his physical ability. Simply put, he's just not that good at basketball. But he knows this, and resolves to keep talking despite theturnovers and missed shots. He's aiming for a fight, but as soon as you confront him in an attempt to shut his piehole, he all of a sudden morphs into aninnocent bystander. His act lasts until the threat of an %*$-whooping disappears, at which point he begins yapping again. Nobody appreciates TheMouth.
1. The Gunner.
Vital Signs: Unbridled cockiness; unwillingness to pass; desire to be touchingthe ball at all times; lackluster defensive effort.
Player he most resembles: KobeBryant.
Reason we hate him: The Gunnerruins the game. Part of the fun of pickup basketball is that no matter your talent level, you can get involved and have a good time. Unless The Gunner isaround.
The Gunner is prettygood, but thinks he's NBA-worthy. He doesn't trust any of his teammates and is absolutely sure that he's better than everyone on the court. He'll score all your team's points, but also take all your team's shots. On the rare occasion that he passes, it comes with the expectation thatyou'll pass the ball right back to him. If you don't do as he expects, The Gunner gets angry. You won't like The Gunner when he'sangry.
The Gunner struggleson the defensive end, and often lingers near midcourt waiting to cherry pick on the ensuing offensive possession. He reserves his energy for scoring andscoring only, while his teammates play a box-and-none in his absence.
The Gunner iscompletely unfazed by the criticism he receives, and would be a playground legend were he not a total #%+*+%@!*.
On a positive note,it's highly unlikely that The Gunner has any real purpose in life besides thwarting pickup games, and chances are he'll one day become an angry old manthat can only cling to the memory of pickup games gone by to keep him warm at night.
old timer and quick asian are the most common at my gym