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- Jun 26, 2005
- seen these posted on OKP by Questlove a while ago, never seen them here. i figured cats would get a kick out of these. a lot of them are funny as hell youjust have to read them.
- and i have to say after his prince stories (he has 3 of them) i fully believe every word Charlie Murphy and Ben said about their encounters with him......
- and i have to say after his prince stories (he has 3 of them) i fully believe every word Charlie Murphy and Ben said about their encounters with him......
dave chappelle
the week after the prince bball ep of chapelle came on.
p invited dave to his post rock n roll hall of fame after jawn.
since i was working on the show dave let me tag with him and neal.
they were so amped that prince invited em i didn't have the heart to tell em
the 1984 cat they idolize will not be in attendance.
so while in the elevator to his hotel i tried to give em the 30 second
crash course.
once i mentioned p being a JW ---the laughter lasted for like 14 seconds...
which was a time waster cause i didn't wanna say nothing once we went in the hallway
(p usually got security in the hall and i didnt want it to look like i was talking ##!!)
so i was like "dog dont cuss, dont ask to drink nothing, its gonna be real tense
and uptight, we should just say hi and leave.....oh and another thing (the door opens---mind you my back is turned cause im trying to talk as fast as i can so we dont look uncomfortable)....
"and what is that ahmir?"
---there was no hallway..
(the door opened right in p's living room and i was none the wiser)
---i turned around and almost jumped out my skin.
a room with about 10 jw's in a circle quietly waiting for me to answer P's question.
*dave saves the day
"he told us that you will NOT make us pancakes!!!"
*silence
5....secs.....
then laughter......
wheeeeew
Tyra Banks
she caught me out there at the naacp 2003.
the only cat i wanna meet and have validate me is quincy jones.
so standing backstage at the naacps--
i was talking to jill marie (who hosted the awards with the cast of girlfriends) and i saw q say goodbye to ray charles (who actually died like 4 months later so this could have been the last time he saw him)---
i told jill..."hang on one sec"
and i saw my chance....
i was nervous. i mean im cool with his kids....but i know he dont know im alive.
or worse...cares...
so i sheepishly approached
left foot....right foot....
(passes tyra who is talking to kimora lee---they waiting for limo)
walks up and gets the nerve to barely get out
"ummm...man...you are my hero sir" (tyra heard me say this)
quincy: oh my god....the FUNKIEST CAT ALIVE.....
---yo!! i lost my ##!!!!! how this +$!!+@#+%%+$ know im alive and that my ##!! is funky!!!!!!!!!!!!
he held his hand out....smiled and walked to me...
so i walked with my hand out....
he got closer....
i was smiling....
and then....
he hugged dre3000.....
and left me hanging.
tyra and kim saw ALL of this and i tried to play this off....
we laughed SO hard cause they knew i was embarrassed.
we remember that to this day.
Prince
first convo ever
tip: i want you to meet the badde---
p: i know who this guy is....i love that video so funny
?:....uhhhh ... .....uugghh......ugugh..gg.g..g...
p and tip: huh?
?: ughgg g uggggg uuuuggggg
tip: he nervous....
?: um....wow....im just so ....like you be knowing who i be?
p: (confused glance at tip....)
tip: he is amazed you know he's alive...
?: yeah....um that.....u be knowing me and ##!!...oh im sorry....i mean you uguu
ugugugughgh....oh god imma cry.....uhmmmm....
tip: (gives me that "you blowing it look...just walk away)
?: um....imma go....
*walks away....tells date..."I #$!!$% UP!!!! I NEED TO REDEEM MYSELF!!! SHOULD I RUN BACK?!?!?!"
--runs back 3 blocks....
runs downstairs....
lenny, tip, prince, kidadda jones and 3 other people are in a private room and im caught off guard like i just interuppted..
prince's bodyguards...
prince: noNO!!!! HE'S COOL!
?: hey..um....im sorry i dont wanna freak you out....its just really cool to meet my hero.
i just wanna say
"THE ROOM GETS SILENT"
---*13 secs....
"ummm........"dinner with delores was the greatest ending in post modern black rock history"......
tip: (hand over forehead)
*silence....
*leaves....
john mayer
while working on clarity.
john and i are like two stepbrothers trying to outdo each other.
like mark and john in that scene from boogie nights when they first meet
(i'll admit...he is the reason i use a macbook and said goodbye to my beloved viao)
we were one upping each other on trivia
computers
celeb stories.
and then he killed me....
"i just dumped my gf this morn"
then he showed me a photo.
JLH.
damn....this cat has options like THAT?
(smh)
Andre 3k
dre told me a beautifully disgusting story of being in the room alone with erykah giving birth to 7.
so i asked "but that entire summer on tour she was drinking mad wheatgrass and okra"
"dawg....owwll that sheeeit came gushing out"
wait...you mean you were....
"manye this hea wasn't no tv birth.....this was the real ##!!...literally..."
*me about to url
"man i saw the baby's head and then she just....
#%** on me....."
oh god nevermind man im too squimish---
"naw man....i mean you don't think about that when you giving birth....all that disgusting stuff....it was worth it man. that was the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me....##!! and all...."
beyonce.
we were going over "cant knock the hustle" for radio city.
and i wanted to do something clever for the ending by finding various chromatic minors for her to sing over.
mid way into it...
i realize....this *could"* throw her off....
but cause she in the "jay" school of mavericks....
its too late now....
i offer "well lets just do a traditional vegas ending.......normal...."
she was insulted on some "oh you think im one of these "cant sing *%+@$%*?"
no imma get it right.....watch...
---now mind you....its lunchtime....
she said "go over the ending"
she struggled.....
"again"
struggled
"again"
"again".......
12 times......
18 times.......
(band looking at me like "you and your dumb ideas....NOW we gotta learn this ##!!")
we did that ##!! 24 times....
then she got the hang of it.
like "WHAT!!!!"
natalie portman.
nat and i hung in la.
drove to san diego for the roots tour (i think it was the sprite jawn 2003
rell was looking salty on some "this is how you roll %@!##?" type ##!!.
we aint kick it....just went out a few times but no "connection connection"
so she drops me back to hotel and the pap is waiting "flash flash flash"
---%!%%%!+..
i saw my flick in a paper the next week
said "portman drops afroman off to hotel after date"
Bilal
the story of sometimes
thanksgiving.
we decided due to deadline and the only time i got off from touring that we will do his song that night.
we come up with nothing.
3 hours go by.
carmen comes on tv and we start clowning com who SWORE he was gonna come up in ghostwriting that jawn and star in it and maybe romance you know who.
but doctor you know who wound up staring in that film and wound up courting (if for a while) you know who from that flick.
so we was clowning him on the phone.
and then we did the ultimate.....
i started playing "umi says"
james started playing "bills bills bills"
and bilal started singing about how mos stole com's fire, role and girl.
--then we was onto something 7 minutes in.
i told engineer run the 2 inch tape.
and then song is as is you hear it on tape.
he fixed about 4 lines....but he freestyled most of that ##!!.
jay z
to tell you the truth.....
the funniest gutbusting moments tween him and i occur on AIM or phone texting.--
i dunno...
he is painfully normal....he is just a mega icon. none of my in person stories are amazing.....they more like....
?: *at rehearsals eating oreos.....
j: dag man....you went to the store and didn't offer to share oreos?
?: *gives that lamont you big dummy look* (we do this ALL the time)---hands bag over---
j: ahhhhhhhhh.... (like the victory fist pump radio raheem did after he won the sound battle of the box on do the right thing)
---the texted ##!! can damn near be a comedy book especially after my disapproval of the chick saying "oh....my....god.....hov" on kingdom comes first cut.
but all of our exchanges from dec 2001 to now are some funny %++@% if read aloud.---
the best being the "super ugly" exchange the night he recorded it.
2Pac
pac and suge came by the house of blues to the 4/1/96 show the roots/fugees/goodie mob did.
that night was surreal
the fugees record kept skipping much to my delight cause i wanted the entire audience to know that we didn't need to play on top of a record to sound banging.--
all their records skipped in front of a celeb packed audience. this was the night the soulquarians were born. i met both d and erykah the same day.
it wasn't beef......just rivalry on some band to band ##!!.
best believe that night i was sangin
"let's get craaaaaaazay.....lets gett nuuuuuuuuuuuuuts hahahahahahaaaa" (you must know the movie purple rain to get this reference)
anyways....
that night. warren betty came with flowers in tow to convince lauryn to take the role halle berry took in that political film of his (forget the title)
well....i went in the foundation room with kamal and some jawns was rapping to us when suddenly
*silence*
pac and suge walked in like this was an old western.---remember how that piano player shut his piano when rae dawn chong hit oprah's character in the face on color purple?--man it felt like that.
we saw suge whisper something to deon sanders and whatever it was, neon deon's whole demeanor was like *whimpers* he left INSTANTLY .
kamal was like "yo....you see how he !##%%*# out deon?,,,,,,yo imma say whussup!"
i told him NO!!!! he was like "pssh $#$* dat....pac is my %@!##!"
i watched kamal go over to say hi through the reflection of a knife as a rear view (you know how they use mirrors in jail?) "he held his arm out and then........they gave him love back! whew!.....---
that whole weekend there was drama cause the bad boy/death row ##!! was about to be in full swing.
i followed mal and got love too. pac said he #$!!$% with riq hard and said he wanted to work with us....i held him to that and in august i asked for a quote for illadelph halflife and he was more than happy to provide it.
Chris Rock
both chris and i were amped to see chapelle perform at real world kevin powell's fund raiser for him running for congress.
then it just hit me...
this is DAVE we talking about.
something didn't feel right.
i saw the flyer (chris was ranking about what politician uses nightclub flyers?) and VIPs pay 2000 bucks to take a flick?
hmmmm
*gets on phone*
"yo man! when you coming to kev's ##!!?"......kev!.......kevin powell!......the real world!....the first angry black guy on the real world!!!......no not the first black guy to get kicked off.....i mean....YEAH THAT GUY!!!!! (think the voice of back to the future's "MARVIN BERRY?").....a benefit.....no a benefit!!!!!!!! (im at a table with bev bond, her husband---(name is escaping me but he was on chapelle's "ask a gay dude" when he ask "what is up with the rainbow!!!!!?!?!?"---the "make me your nelly" cat, jurn, chris, his wife and 11 cats from Oz and The Wire---so they all laughing and one by one they are itching to go.)....dude he is running for congress........no seriosuly he is runn----dave....are yo----WHERE ARE YOU?!---on a tred mill?.....ohio?!?! maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
(to the table)
i suggest we sneak out of here ONE by ONE cause if they (points to a room where 3000 black people have been patiently waiting for about 2 hours in a room made for about 900) get wind they just gave up 500 bucks for nothing they are going to riot.
i told chris he needs to go first cause you know they are going to ask him to fill in....
well kev's watchdogs were right on point and sensed the way we were all conspiring football huddle style (and they way rocks wife had that "psssh" look on her face) that we knew the truth so they were rushing to get kev to beg us to stay and get some of us to perform/speak.
chris was like "$#$* that"
richard pryor can perform at cosby's event.
but cosby cannot perform at pryor's event.
pfunk can be the switch act at an earth wind and fire show...
but not the other way around.....
sure enough powell comes walking over
chris got deer in headlights look
i was on some "lets go crazy "yer on yer own" ##!!...grabbed my jacket, grabbed jurn, grabbed my cell and snuck out the kitchen to the alley and sure enough....right next door
bell biv devoe was singing "Dope" in a club lol (later i found out it was Cassidys bday party (dj to the stars)---but escaping that ##!! was like some mission impossible ##!!. chris told me that night he just said "no" and left.
