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- Aug 12, 2008
Course, the ladies input on dudes is more than welcome...other than that, I start, y'all share...pretty simple.
1) 'Do you miss me?' (Especially less than 24 hours after last meeting): This classic used to be kind of cute, but when asked 12 times a day, it makesus want to punch other ppls children. Please scale it back a tad...if we miss you, we'll tell you. Seriously.
2) 'We need to talk': See, the problem with this is WE don't do a gahdamn thing when you say this. Just say what you really wanna say...'Iwanna talk at you.' On some real @%%%, we prolly still won't listen...but at least we'll respect your honesty.
3) 'You care about *insert object or activity prized by male partner* more than me': This is a favorite of girlfriends/wives/'specialfriends'/clingy females. (Quick note to the guys: In the case of the latter 2 groups, the answer should always be 'Yeah, and?' You do, right?Don't put your balls in her pocketbook before y'all even have a title, damn.) Of course, if youre the significant other, we might still care about ourMustang or guitar or football team or personal time just as much as you (or maybe more...but he's not gonna let you know that if he wants to keep ya) butit doesn't mean we like you any less. We just like y'all differently, that's all. Forcing us to choose is apples and oranges.Whatever interest yourman has satisfies him in ways you can't...and hopefully that goes the other way around too.
4) 'What are you doing?' more than 3x in 5 minutes: The same thing I was 30 seconds ago, chick. This prolly means y'all really don't haveanything to say to us, and you might should go away/hang up. Harsh realities...
5) 'What are we now?'- An old standby of 'special friends'/females in untagged relationships, its usually asked right after sex. The realanswer is 'the same thing we was 20 minutes ago, silly rabbit', but if he's nice, he'll try to come up with a spoonful of candy coated crap tofeed you. Its hard enough even seeing straight after a good one, let alone coming up with some sweet soundin song and dance. Let's just skip it from nowon, aight?
6) 'Do you think I'm pretty?'- If you have to ask, the answer is no about 97.3% of the time. If you have to ask, he doesn't answer, and youhave to ask again...there are strong odds you pug fugly and he's trying to be nice. Why be ungrateful when he ignored the fact that you're not cute andis spendin time with you anyway? That's a big favor. Respect that, and leave it alone.
7) 'Do I look fat in this?': Yes. Yes you do.
8 ) 'Is she prettier than me?': The thing is, females never ask this question when its actually a contest...they'll ask when !!@@!* Amerie orsomebody walks by. You asked because the answer is 'yes' and you wanna hear a 'no'. What kind of bass ackwards reverse psychology bullhonkeryis that!? That's why whenever I get asked, the answer is yes. You could have her by 4 points and I'll still tell you yes. (Course, the answer COULDactually be yes, but you'll never know the difference...bwahaha!)
9) 'How long will you be gone?': As long as it takes for us to get back, honey. See, we're partially aware of the confusion with this one...we justwasn't aware we signed up to be on on parole as a condition of dealing with you. Chill out, sexy...we'll come back to you eventually. We're willingto tell you where we goin (most of the time) but hell...sometimes we don't even know when we'll be back...
10) 'Are you lying to me/cheating on me?': If we are lying (yes, we lie...everybody does sometimes, Jim Carrey taught us that in 'Liar,Liar'...as long as its not too much and nobody gets severely hurt, its generally fine...) what the +*** makes you think we're gonna blow our cover? Ilike to have a little fun with it...'Yeah, I'm lying to you...everything I say is a lie...including that sentence.' Of course, if we're tellingthe truth and you grillin me anyway, it makes me wish I did tell you a lie just to keep you quiet. That ain't healthy.
Oh right, the cheating part...he's not gonna tell the truth if he is, he's gonna get mad you even asked if he ain't. In both cases it's prollygonna start a completely needless confrontation. Most times, you know if your dude is bouncing around on other ladies when you ain't around or not. If youhonestly ask yourself, you know. It may be that you know he is and are lying to yourself, it might be you know he's not and just want to be aggravating.Either way, it doesn't solve a damn thing. The general point is you're prolly not gonna get an answer that makes you happy and you're going to endup asking again even if I say no...so why ask us?
Aight, that's my turn...
1) 'Do you miss me?' (Especially less than 24 hours after last meeting): This classic used to be kind of cute, but when asked 12 times a day, it makesus want to punch other ppls children. Please scale it back a tad...if we miss you, we'll tell you. Seriously.
2) 'We need to talk': See, the problem with this is WE don't do a gahdamn thing when you say this. Just say what you really wanna say...'Iwanna talk at you.' On some real @%%%, we prolly still won't listen...but at least we'll respect your honesty.
3) 'You care about *insert object or activity prized by male partner* more than me': This is a favorite of girlfriends/wives/'specialfriends'/clingy females. (Quick note to the guys: In the case of the latter 2 groups, the answer should always be 'Yeah, and?' You do, right?Don't put your balls in her pocketbook before y'all even have a title, damn.) Of course, if youre the significant other, we might still care about ourMustang or guitar or football team or personal time just as much as you (or maybe more...but he's not gonna let you know that if he wants to keep ya) butit doesn't mean we like you any less. We just like y'all differently, that's all. Forcing us to choose is apples and oranges.Whatever interest yourman has satisfies him in ways you can't...and hopefully that goes the other way around too.
4) 'What are you doing?' more than 3x in 5 minutes: The same thing I was 30 seconds ago, chick. This prolly means y'all really don't haveanything to say to us, and you might should go away/hang up. Harsh realities...
5) 'What are we now?'- An old standby of 'special friends'/females in untagged relationships, its usually asked right after sex. The realanswer is 'the same thing we was 20 minutes ago, silly rabbit', but if he's nice, he'll try to come up with a spoonful of candy coated crap tofeed you. Its hard enough even seeing straight after a good one, let alone coming up with some sweet soundin song and dance. Let's just skip it from nowon, aight?
6) 'Do you think I'm pretty?'- If you have to ask, the answer is no about 97.3% of the time. If you have to ask, he doesn't answer, and youhave to ask again...there are strong odds you pug fugly and he's trying to be nice. Why be ungrateful when he ignored the fact that you're not cute andis spendin time with you anyway? That's a big favor. Respect that, and leave it alone.
7) 'Do I look fat in this?': Yes. Yes you do.
8 ) 'Is she prettier than me?': The thing is, females never ask this question when its actually a contest...they'll ask when !!@@!* Amerie orsomebody walks by. You asked because the answer is 'yes' and you wanna hear a 'no'. What kind of bass ackwards reverse psychology bullhonkeryis that!? That's why whenever I get asked, the answer is yes. You could have her by 4 points and I'll still tell you yes. (Course, the answer COULDactually be yes, but you'll never know the difference...bwahaha!)
9) 'How long will you be gone?': As long as it takes for us to get back, honey. See, we're partially aware of the confusion with this one...we justwasn't aware we signed up to be on on parole as a condition of dealing with you. Chill out, sexy...we'll come back to you eventually. We're willingto tell you where we goin (most of the time) but hell...sometimes we don't even know when we'll be back...
10) 'Are you lying to me/cheating on me?': If we are lying (yes, we lie...everybody does sometimes, Jim Carrey taught us that in 'Liar,Liar'...as long as its not too much and nobody gets severely hurt, its generally fine...) what the +*** makes you think we're gonna blow our cover? Ilike to have a little fun with it...'Yeah, I'm lying to you...everything I say is a lie...including that sentence.' Of course, if we're tellingthe truth and you grillin me anyway, it makes me wish I did tell you a lie just to keep you quiet. That ain't healthy.
Oh right, the cheating part...he's not gonna tell the truth if he is, he's gonna get mad you even asked if he ain't. In both cases it's prollygonna start a completely needless confrontation. Most times, you know if your dude is bouncing around on other ladies when you ain't around or not. If youhonestly ask yourself, you know. It may be that you know he is and are lying to yourself, it might be you know he's not and just want to be aggravating.Either way, it doesn't solve a damn thing. The general point is you're prolly not gonna get an answer that makes you happy and you're going to endup asking again even if I say no...so why ask us?
Aight, that's my turn...
