yobyellav
formerly cord15
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Funniest so far....
Anyone Got Any Jokes?
- Thread in 'General' Thread starter Started by Spectacular23,
- Start date
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Just read this again for the 3rd time in a while, had me picturing the dude's face like
yobyellav
formerly cord15
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^ Exactly....then saying "forget that, we gotta get out of here."
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Lmao I love my thread.
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died.
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
Spoiler [+]
There was a father with three daughters. The first daughter came to him and asked "Daddy, why did you name me Daisy?" The father replied, "Because the day you were born when we came out of the hospital a daisy fell right on your forehead." She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed him on the cheek and left. The next daughter comes in and she was like "Daddy why did you name Rose?" The father replied "Because the day you were born we were walking out of the hospital and a rose fell right on your forehead." She said "Ah thats sweet." Kissed him on the forehead and walked away. Then the third daughter comes in and said "DERREDUJBUVDUBDJEHDK" and the father said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get so stressed and little things suddenly just seem so funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's when the fight started
sometimes you just get so stressed and little things suddenly just seem so funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's when the fight started
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Dont know if its been told yet but here goes:
A boy walks in on his mom and dad doing the nasty. The parents quickly cover up with sheets and tell him he should knock before coming into their room. Totally shocked and mortified the boy runs from the room crying and screaming. The mom tells the dad go talk to him. The dad gets dressed and goes to his room but he isnt there. Down the hall he hears this whimpering noise in the spare bedroom. The dad opens the door to find his son on top of his Grandmother. The boy says, "Lets see how you like it when someone does that to your mom!"
A boy walks in on his mom and dad doing the nasty. The parents quickly cover up with sheets and tell him he should knock before coming into their room. Totally shocked and mortified the boy runs from the room crying and screaming. The mom tells the dad go talk to him. The dad gets dressed and goes to his room but he isnt there. Down the hall he hears this whimpering noise in the spare bedroom. The dad opens the door to find his son on top of his Grandmother. The boy says, "Lets see how you like it when someone does that to your mom!"
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Cold blooded lol
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Why was Simba grounded?
Why wasn't Simba standing?
Spoiler [+]
Because he was lyin'
Why wasn't Simba standing?
Spoiler [+]
Because he was lyin'
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The short dumb ones are the best!
Keep em coming
Keep em coming
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I might of posted these in the other joke thread but Mitch Hedberg is hilarious so yeah...
"I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube."
"I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen."
"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? ""
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah"."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under "D", for "doughnut.""
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work."
"I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube."
"I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen."
"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like? ""
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah"."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under "D", for "doughnut.""
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work."
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i love mitch. too bad hes gone. cause i think ive heard everything from him already. still cracks me up though.
steven wright has the same style. and i guess that dude dimitri martin. but none had the mitch swag.
steven wright has the same style. and i guess that dude dimitri martin. but none had the mitch swag.
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Yeah Steven Wright and Mitch have the same style. I haven't paid any attention to Demitri Martin since that show he had on Comedy Central.
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This thread is the best thread to read during a boring lecture.
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The other day I snuck a spoon into work. It caused quite a stir....
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What's the difference between OJ Simpson and the Lion King?
One's an African Lion and the other is a Lyin African
One's an African Lion and the other is a Lyin African
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OJ is from San Francisco though
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not sure if srs
