Many people know that your average male has 2 main control centers, North and South...they correspond to what's under a guy's hat and what's under his belt, respectively. What these folk may not know is that these 2 think tanks are in a state of constant war.
The struggle between the northern and southern factions usually rages quietly in the background like the Cold War...you kind of get used to it, it becomes just another part of life. (If you're a girl and halfway cute, you see this war go on every time some guy makes bedroom eyes at you...the southside tells him to just run over, tackle you to the ground and dryhump you, the northside tells him that's illegal, rude, and usually doesn't lead to a second date.)
However, every now and again you have a missile crisis...a standoff where a launch could affect your entire world and possibly bring about the end of life as you know it. I went through this exact scenario this weekend, and it was all because of a girl named Purple. (Seriously, that's how she introduced herself...I should have known to run like hell, right? I mean, my sister is named Amber, so color-names don't itch me too much, but Purple? Sounds like a stripper who came late to stage name selection. "What? All the synonyms for love/sex, valuable items and names for sugary treats are taken? Fine...*sigh*...guess I'll be Purple...")
I met Purple on Saturday afternoon...I was sitting on my observation deck (aka "porch") chatting it up with the aunt-looking lady that lives downstairs that I'll call Ms. Rogers from now on. (Cuz I'm her neighbor, duh...we've become pretty close over the past couple weeks I've lived there...we share some of the same hobbies, like sitting on the front step getting drunk on cool summer nights, and are currently in the stage of neighborliness where I have one of her cups and she has one of mine...good peoples, Ms. Rogers.) She was giving me an overview of my new block...what day recycling was, where to get a 6-pack past 12:00, who the closest street vendor was, that sort of thing.
That's when 2 girls walked past...one was plain, unremarkable...and thus translucent. I won't even make up a name for her. However, beside her was a tall, slim chick in a lavender midriff blouse. Her slender but feminine frame was dotted here and there with tattoo-party ink, and her thong straps were ever so slightly visible. She was the color of really expensive hardwood, looked like she smelled nice, and her smile could be seen in her eyes even through her big-girl shades. More than half of her hair was hers. (The blonde stuff I don't think grew out of her head, but whatever...)
She had a cute face and was sexy in that after 11pm sort of way. I'll stop short of saying she was a rose that grew from concrete, but she definitely got my attention, and therefore the attention of AJ South.
AJ North was just coming up with a reason to stop her and attempt to talk to her (which is harder than it looks, ladies...to us a good opening line is like a can opener...you can have as much substance as you want inside, but if you can't get the damn top off...you're just gonna be a hungry ma****a.) when suddenly she stopped and smiled at me. "Hey, I'm Purple!" (AJ North's "no you ain't, you're brown" was pre-empted by AJ South's "dayum!")
She then addressed Ms. Rogers: "Tell your new neighbor he's gonna be mine." I was the only new neighbor so AJ North deduced that she had to be talking about me. Was I being holla'd at? (It was a new feeling, I had never been on defense before...I'm not a leper or anything, my pic is >over there> and I think I'm a decent looking dude, but I know I'm not on anybody's bedroom walls as a poster...yet...lol...) Wow, she was trying to talk to me...the tables had turned. What should I do? Smile? Give her the "teeheegirlyoucrazy"? Bat my lashes?
AJ North and South had a summit and settled on a slightly cocky smirk...kind of the look I imagine the Dos Equis guy gets when some fine exotic lady sends him a drink. She smiled real big and started saying numbers...2...1...AJ South was almost too interested in Purple's glistening body to notice that she was giving me her number, but a couple of "huh's"? and "one mo'ginns"? later, I had her number in my phone and her company on my mind.
She told me she stayed around there and that I could call her anytime, then flashed me one last grin and sauntered away to do whatever it is girls do when I can't see them. "Well, well..." Ms. Rogers smirked. "Looks like you're gonna be popular around here...I'll introduce you to the neighborhood at the block party tomorrow." AJ North laughed it off and really even wondered whether the girl was serious or not, but all I could think about was the private party AJ South was planning...a battle was on the horizon.
Tomorrow came and was yesterday, and the block party was poppin. 5 grills struggled to meet the community demand for cooked animals, and since I was invited by Ms. Rogers, who organized the thing, I ate my fill and a couple other people's too. (No more cookout crashing for me, my party pass is good haha) However, after a couple cups of punch to keep AJ North nice and quiet, AJ South couldn't help but wonder what was good with Purple.
She did give me her number, after all...she wanted me to call her...why not shoot her an invite under the guise of an open house? With the block party going on, it would just look like a neighborly gesture...but indeed, it was an act of war. I called her, and after a few basic questions, we decided to go for a walk to the park and make some smoke...always a good way to get to know somebody.
I met her on the corner, where I saw her looking just as good as the day before...and her 3 year old son was cute too. Oh, wait I didn't mention her son before, did I? Neither did she. His name was Ja..um...Je...J'...something, and he rode his big wheel up with a big smile on his face, spewing profanities as he was apparently allowed to do...he would probably be joining us. Oh, what fun. AJ North processed this new info...wondered if it was such a good idea. AJ South's idea was "**** it", (he's kind of predictable, but executes effectively) and I went with that.
So, we walked...I then took a my first really good look at Purple's body markings...among butterflies and hearts and stars and clovers and blue moons and other female "just gimme a tat" inkings, there were a few dudes' names. AJ North saw this, and a red flag was raised...she did not have that many kids. AJ South saw these tats, but also noticed the stars leading from bellybutton to waistband and below...he was in a Purple haze, and raised something of his own.
I shook it all off and continued to be interested in the things that she said, random kid facts, crazy ex boyfriend details, her modeling career...until she happened to mention her stay in the iron bar hotel for attempted murder. If you think you read that wrong, just think how it felt typing it.
AJ North heard this, and immediately that scene from "Goodfellas" where Henry's lady is straddling him in his sleep with a loaded .38 pointed in his face came to mind. He wanted a total and immediate end of all combat operations with this girl. AJ South, simple fellow that he is, continued his single mindedness despite this...he wanted to earn his Purple heart, and there's a chance of injury in anything fun. Negotations broke down, both sides charged, and the conflict began.
She continued to talk, but she might as well have been lip-syncing...I couldn't hear a word she said over the sounds of battle in my head. By the time the fighting had calmed, there we were on a park bench far from the play area with her hands on me more than necessary and her son left to freely roam the place like Dora the ******g Explorer. (Nobody said she was a great mommy...but only AJ North cared about that and he was kind of on the ropes right now.)
I sat and wondered how I got here...as far as AJ South saw it, I was out here in the park with a about to smoke with a pretty girl and "get to know her better" later...AJ South was winning pretty decisively. Then, we commenced to blazing, and that's when the tide of battle turned.
Besides having ex drama, a felony record, and being a fair parent at best, she's also out of her ******g mind. She asked when I was going to make her my girlfriend, repeatedly referred to me as "her man in the making" and even how much it would be to rent a room in my apartment, despite not even knowing my last name, (or even my real pseudonym...if she asks you, I'm JJ), the fact that we had known each other for a whopping 2 hours total or he fact that the only name I know for her is a ******g color.
As I sat and smoked, a truce was called between the warring sides to reevaluate the conflict.
AJ North didn't like the looks of it for the obvious reasons, AJ South didn't like it because it would require an extended occupation by his forces as opposed to the quick strike offensive that was planned. There's "too much too soon" and then there's "this chick is gonna end up throwing a brick through my window and smashing my shins with a sledgehammer before cutting my balls off with a fingernail clipper". The war no longer profited either side. Finally, the treaty was signed and the edict handed down...I gotta get away from this crazy *****!
As I walked her home, the 2 sides shook hands and came to an agreement. I walked toward my block with Purple and Lil Purp along for the ride...2 blocks away I decided I was gonna walk her to her door and let the next time she saw me be on TV someday. That's when she mentioned, in detail and with her son well within earshot, her proficiency with her tongue and plans to "get a tongue ring for me". In the interest of full disclosure, that almost made a traitor out of AJ South. In violation of the new treaty, he invited her into the Treehouse so that she could show and prove...after all, that wouldn't be so bad, right?
Purple happily accepted, and commented that she couldn't wait to see "our house". I searched desperately for any sign of joking or irony so I could still justify bringing her into my home to myself. I found none. She was deadass. At this point, AJ South truly saw that nothing good could stem from this, and could very possibly end in Purple slipping something in one of my many drinks and me getting date graped. He offered his unconditional and permanent surrender in the war.
I made up some excuse that I won't type since I may have to use it again one day, and took my leave for the night and the life. AJ North, knowing that he had won and possibly saved the entire republic in so doing, accepted the sacrifice of some fun for his own good. AJ South had lost the battle, but he lived to fight another day...no doubt the South will rise again, hopefully this time with somebody less...colorful.
