My irregularity, relative to the modern day society we live in, defines me without question. The ability to be, re-invent, && stay true to myself && not waver from my standards/beliefs/morals/principles, without any apologies, desire for attention, 'followers' or any other pathetic, insecurity-driven ego booster of the like, or concern about the many jokes && off base judgments that can, have been, && will more than likely continue to be aimed at me as a result.
**** em if they got a problem with it...
As far as what I'm searching for...I look back on things that I've done in my life so far, ranging from minute && borderline irrelevant, to important && impressive: skipping grades, being able to count to 1000 before ever stepping foot in a classroom, winning that MVP/championship combo in my first season playing baseball, being my high school's youngest graduate, etc...yea, I'm proud to say I've done this && that, but unlike others with whom I've crossed paths in life thus far, I've never really saw these 'accomplishments' as an overly big deal. Still don't, honestly...however, I now see these things as a collective sign that, no matter how much I try to revert to the shadows, despite my often quiet, somewhat self-conscious nature, && regardless of how much I try to avoid any position which leads to all eyes being on me...for practically my entire life, I'd only been sabotaging myself && running from a big part of my true destiny that God's already ordained for me here. I HAVE to get used to 'all eyes' being on me, I must adapt to the one thing that I haven't had any desire to: the bright lights. My evolution will stagnate if I don't....I know, deep within, that I'd just be reduced to a useless member the living dead if I can't grow into my purpose here...
And, truthfully, all that keeps me going is my quest to figure the code to myself out. The uncertainty that my current circumstances have created in my mind is somewhat welcome...for I've always, always been a problem solver. Family, friends, && strangers alike have all seen the winner, the champion in me...&& tell me about it far more than I care to hear, honestly. Maybe it's just boiled over frustration that what they effortlessly see as so (potentially) great...is just what I've never been able to truly grasp due to seeing myself as, well...average ol' me. These abilities they speak of when it comes to me...how do I bring them out? If they knew of my constant internal conflict plus its accompanying difficulties, would they still be 'expecting great things' from me, as I've so often heard? For me to be such a distant, cavalier person by nature at times...why do I even care as much as I do? Do I even have an identity???
The chips are down, the pressure is WAY up, I currently don't know all the answers to these questions, && that pisses the intellectual part of me off to no end. But...as far as my imaginative side...the game's truly just begun.
"I see the line in the sand......
Time to find out.....WHO I AM!"
If not for my sake, then hopefully for someone else's...somehow, my purpose here is far bigger than just me. And before these eyes shut permanently, I will exhaust every avenue to find out exactly what this purpose is. Oh, && I'll fulfill it, too...
