Confessions

[Roderick Kingsley]

E-Hug, Shoyru, E-Hug

Everything you have stated has been my whole life at 24 and that bolded part to a T.


My Dad claim he loves us but he devalued us as a family

Devalued & disowned me as a son

In my moms African culture disownment means you really ****** up to the point where they wash their hands clean of you and you're an outcast like the ugly duckling.

I'm the black sheep of the family

He beat me as a child, slapped me, punched me so hard in the stomach one night (I threw up) because i couldn't figure out my math homework (reasons why I hate math

)

He picked me up in my desk chair (in another wrath of frustration) and tossed me into a wall. The whiplash from the back of my neck hitting the wall put me in a neck brace for awhile.

Christmas Day in 2011 was the worst ever and final breaking point for everyone

We had a family meeting and dad brought the emotions out in everyone we all cried

I cold cocked punched my dad in the face because he insulted my moms deceased dad and drove her to screaming, sobbing and flipping things over.


People say that mess was years ago but don't understand that my memory is stupid sharp I remember my first grade graduation and so many things.

If you remember this episode of Fresh Price what Will is portraying is me

damn bruh. *ehug* 

Hes supportive by make sure the family is well fed and is under a roof however he was never a "dad" to me, none of that emotional sutff.
However As I grow up I start to realize its all culture and how they were raised. You cant change a person, you just gotta deal with who and how they are is what I learned when I went to my depression therapist.

Now that I got a daughter of my own I'm def gona make sure I don't make the mistakes he did with me

thissssss. he was there to provide, but he wasn't there to guide me or protect me. i seriously can't talk to him about anything because he's very close minded and not receptive. if i'm stumped about something or need advice, i turn to my mom or uncle and aunt. 

when i told him about being depressed 5 years ago, the only thing he said was that i ****** up my chances of being a doctor because i was self-mutilating, and threatened to take me to the hospital "where all the crazy people go". he never believed me. none of that "what do we need to do to make you feel better" ****. ironically, he was a doctor.

when i have kids, i will definitely learn from his mistakes.

 

 

[23kidd]

^^^Bro YESSSSS!

I used to weight 300 pounds, and I finally lost weight.Im down to 200 now and not even did I get a simple, " good job" from him. You wanna know what he said?

"Anybody can lose weight, no big deal" which is true but damn not even a high five?

luckily by then I was used to his mouth so I just smirked and kept it movin.

 

[andretti]

Just need to vent.

My brother has been living at home with me and my mother for about a month now

We are just now speaking to each other starting yesterday . We didn't talk about what happened in the past but we talked about life b stuff over herb at the park it was pretty chill.we used to fight a lot when we were younger and in the summer time just about everyday since we weren't aloud to go outside . We'd go days without speaking to each other . I still don't trust him around my belongings. It's gotten to the point where I take all my valuables to work with me and anywhere else I go.

Me and my mother don't speak much and we live in the same house . The "convos "we do have are mostly negative and her saying some foul stuff about me n my siblings . Thing about it is about an hour later shed act like nothing ever happened. When I'm at work I often day dream about telling her the how it is and the way she raised me n my siblings was wrong. At times I felt (she works at a school) she treated the kids there better than she treated her very own. When I was younger I wanted to run away so many times . A year back I start reflecting how I grew up and I can't even think about it much cuz it puts me in a angry /depressing mood . after my mother got divorced she went into depression and out my oldest sister in job corps leave me and my brother to basically fend for ourselves at home .she would walk in and go straight to her bedroom and close the door everyday .put just about all of the house work duties in me and my brother . Well me to be exact my brother didn't lift a finger unless she was in the room. That house that I grew up in didn't operate without me doing all of the duties . When I was a kid I used to tear up just about every time I looked out the window and see the neighborhood kids playing outside knowing I couldn't join them. Eventually I stopped asking cuz I already knew the answer . Hell that's what I was told multiple times when I was a kid "stop asking to go outside" . I didn't know what the hell to do or what I could about it . If you were caught outside you were to sleep out there .hot or cold raining what ever you slept outside . My brother did it often and now that I think about it I don't blame him one bit for going out when we werent supposed to. My mother would leave for work at night and threaten to make me sleep out there if I'd let him in . I didn't know what to do . There would be some days he sneak out and get caught. Later that night at 12 am id wake up and see my brother outside trying to break in the house eyes bloodshot red and mosquito bites all over him. I just wanted out and kept asking myself when is this **** gonna be over. In time I got used to it , when I got bored I slept a lot. I remember when my mother used to tell us stories from her child hood and say "I wouldn't trade my childhood for yours any day" -_- I bet she wouldn't .....I bet she ******* wouldn't .Stayed up all night and slept in class all the way till highschool . I feel if I would've called my dad earlier I would be a completely different person. I needed him so much when I was a kid . I had no one to talk to. I felt and still now feel I can't talk to no one in person about stuff like this except for my dad. If me and my "friends" we're talking and the convo got real they'd get all "............ So how about those sports" on me .

My mother wants grand kids but I wont be having them. Ain't no way in hell is risk passing what I've been through down to any children of mine .

 

[wavy daddy]

Dam bro thats deep. How old are you? You plan on movin out anytime soon? You sound like you need a relaxing vacation.


sometimes therapist are out of the question, PM me if you need to

 

[23kidd]

Fam talking to someone is really healthy, no matter who it is. I figured id keep ish to myself and solve my own problems but therapy or even talking ot pops will def help.

And for your mom, I just wanna say forgiving and moving on will def help you in a lot of ways.

 

[spizike231]

I have a smiliar, but not as bad, past with my Mother famb.

I just tell myself when I have children, she won't see them until I'm convinced she's got her act together. (If ever) I tell myself that I need to learn from how I was raised and make sure I don't repeat history. I want my kids to have a mother AND a father in the same house that love each other and are there for the family at all times. I don't want my kids to feel shut out and alone, because I remember how scary it was growing up in that environment.

Don't see how you were raised as a reason to not have kids bro, see it as a reason to show yourself that your surroundings and your environment shaped who you are today, but that doesn't need to be in a negative way.

You grew up in a horrible environment. Let that be a reason to have kids and get joy out of a childhood that, while it may not be yours, you can also enjoy the good memories you can give them and yourself along the way. I know that's the type of stuff I want to take to the grave.. POSITIVE FAMILY MEMORIES. I never had that growing up. I want that at some point in my life.

As a reminder, my PM's are always open to anyone in this thread..

 

[andretti]

Dam bro thats deep. How old are you? You plan on movin out anytime soon? You sound like you need a relaxing vacation.


sometimes therapist are out of the question, PM me if you need to

I'm 21 . I just got hired at I kve been working at for sometime now as a temp so I'm able to find an apartment that'll let me rent .

Vacations at the time are out of question. I need all the money I can get at the moment so I can pay off my school debt to go back , a car of my own and eventually my own place .

 

[andretti]

Fam talking to someone is really healthy, no matter who it is. I figured id keep ish to myself and solve my own problems but therapy or even talking ot pops will def help.

And for your mom, I just wanna say forgiving and moving on will def help you in a lot of ways.

I try man I really do. It's hard some days . I can't play music at work so I'm always in my head and this is what I think about daily. Some things in life you simply don't move on from you just learn to live with it. I might be able to when I move out.
I talk to my dad about some of this stuff that's on my mind but not all of it.

 

[23kidd]

I try man I really do. It's hard some days . I can't play music at work so I'm always in my head and this is what I think about daily. Some things in life you simply don't move on from you just learn to live with it. I might be able to when I move out.
I talk to my dad about some of this stuff that's on my mind but not all of it.

I get that its hard, ive been there but youre only hurting yourself you know? Its all just a mindset, the moment youre able to control your brain you have total control of your body..sounds weird but its true.

Id say fogive and forget but in your case forgive and keep it moving.

Let mom do her and you do you in the house. If she goes on rambling negative stuff about you and/or your siblings, just let her talk and just keep it moving.
Leave the past is the past. So mom aint raise you right, guess what? you can go out there and be a better man for yourself, and not only yourself for your future seeds. Don't be talking bout no "I'm not gona have kids cause of my childhood" That's stupid talk family. And if mom wants to see the kids, well guess what? shes gona have to earn it.
Its obvious youre the responsible on in the family, you doing all the chores and all that stuff, I believe youre on the right track to be successful in life just gotta get that mindset right bro, be positive.

 

[Roderick Kingsley]

^^^Bro YESSSSS!


I used to weight 300 pounds, and I finally lost weight.Im down to 200 now and not even did I get a simple, " good job" from him. You wanna know what he said?


"Anybody can lose weight, no big deal" which is true but damn not even a high five?


luckily by then I was used to his mouth so I just smirked and kept it movin.

i try to move on and disregard him but man, sometimes i just gotta let one out and cry sometimes   

 

[andretti]

I try man I really do. It's hard some days . I can't play music at work so I'm always in my head and this is what I think about daily. Some things in life you simply don't move on from you just learn to live with it. I might be able to when I move out.
I talk to my dad about some of this stuff that's on my mind but not all of it.

I get that its hard, ive been there but youre only hurting yourself you know? Its all just a mindset, the moment youre able to control your brain you have total control of your body..sounds weird but its true.

Id say fogive and forget but in your case forgive and keep it moving.

Let mom do her and you do you in the house. If she goes on rambling negative stuff about you and/or your siblings, just let her talk and just keep it moving.
Leave the past is the past. So mom aint raise you right, guess what? you can go out there and be a better man for yourself, and not only yourself for your future seeds. Don't be talking bout no "I'm not gona have kids cause of my childhood" That's stupid talk family. And if mom wants to see the kids, well guess what? shes gona have to earn it.
Its obvious youre the responsible on in the family, you doing all the chores and all that stuff, I believe youre on the right track to be successful in life just gotta get that mindset right bro, be positive.

Your right.

I will say I don't plan on having any till I'm able to control my anger. If I dont, that'll be my downfall.

I'll striking while the iron is hot and move out in a month .

 

[andretti]

Maybe I said too much also .

 

[matters7]

I like to be at home by myself more then anything

 

[tekthemaestro]

a lot of yall have good news. youre still breathing, if you're typing your story here.. you've already moved past those bad parts, AND.. from what i see most of you guys are still young. im only 26 myself, but we all have a lot of time to make changes. theres a lot of life left to live. understand your life is a book. there may be a couple f****d up chapters, but the next chapter could be amazing. not to go into all the bad stuff from my past but, things DO get better. if ur in a bad situation, you should be using your time planning how to get out of it. for those who still live at home with your parents, your expenses are drastically lower than they should/could be right now. take advantage of that. stack up. when ur ready, get out and be ahead of the game instead of scrambling for income.

things are gonna happen, good and bad. how u let them effect you ultimately is your choice. when u know something is jacked up or not the way it should be, understand it is what it is, learn from it, and let it go. life is SOOOOOOOOO much better when you learn to let go of things outside of your control, like other people.

 

[robtoofresco]

First of all, you guys have got to let go of the past.

Forgive everyone who has hurt you & then forgive yourself for being weak.

You will never move forward with the weight of the past holding you back.

Secondly, A lot of y'all's problems (recent posts) stems from you guys expecting certain things from other people.

Expectations lead to disappointment more often than not.

The only person you can rely on 100% is yourself.

Society has conditioned us into putting our faith into the group dynamic...

**** that.

You guys have got to start living for YOURSELVES.

You shouldn't need anyone's else's validation but your own.

You guys have got to be willing to cut out any negativity from your life... Even if that means family members.

If you want to experience true happiness, you must be willing to sacrifice anything & anyone that gets in your way.

The end justifies the means.

Again, I sincerely mean it when I say my PM's are open. I've been through the mental ringer & I know how it feels to feel so worthless & empty inside that you feel like giving the universe it's most precious gift back...

Life.

Don't ever allow yourself to get to that point.

You're here for a reason.

Whether that reason is greatness or mediocrity is up to YOU to decide.

 

[23kidd]

First of all, you guys have got to let go of the past.

Forgive everyone who has hurt you & then forgive yourself for being weak.

You will never move forward with the weight of the past holding you back.

Secondly, A lot of y'all's problems (recent posts) stems from you guys expecting certain things from other people.

Expectations lead to disappointment more often than not.

The only person you can rely on 100% is yourself.

Society has conditioned us into putting our faith into the group dynamic...

**** that.

You guys have got to start living for YOURSELVES.

You shouldn't need anyone's else's validation but your own.

You guys have got to be willing to cut out any negativity from your life... Even if that means family members.

If you want to experience true happiness, you must be willing to sacrifice anything & anyone that gets in your way.

The end justifies the means.

Again, I sincerely mean it when I say my PM's are open. I've been through the mental ringer & I know how it feels to feel so worthless & empty inside that you feel like giving the universe it's most precious gift back...

Life.

Don't ever allow yourself to get to that point.

You're here for a reason.

Whether that reason is greatness or mediocrity is up to YOU to decide.

well said brother, well said.

 

[spizike231]

I understand what yall are saying, but honestly it's only been like 2 years since I've spoken to my Mother and since she dropped out of my life like a rock from a cliff.

The pain of not knowing if my Father wanted me all those years my parents were divorced, was much easier to bare than the pain I have now of KNOWING my Mother does not want anything to do with me. For no reason other than just because it's her choice. My entire life I've felt like I wasn't good enough for her or my Father, and it carries with me in everything I do. My greatest life fear is "not being good enough", and when my lady asks me what that even means and how I'll know if I reached being "good enough", I have no answer.

Because in my eyes I can never be good enough.

I have forgiven her for what she's done to me, how she raised me. With my recent counseling sessions I've learned that maybe it wasn't my problems, but rather hers that caused her to leave me so abruptly. But honestly the emotional damage and scars of having the one parent you grew up with drop you like hot garbage is something I don't think 2 years time can heal.

I'm glad to say it doesn't break me down as much as it used to, but when I see families who are there for each other and love each other no matter the circumstances, I can't help but long for that and wonder how it must feel.

 

[ogmcmxcii]

Welcome to my "not good enough life"

 

[larryeastwood]

After 28 years on this earth I realized I'm truly alone.

 

[slighted]

After 28 years on this earth I realized I'm truly alone.

We all are.

Embrace it.

 

[23kidd]

After 28 years on this earth I realized I'm truly alone.

Believe it or not, when youre alone and comfortable being alone you are actually a stronger person.

 

[pjones]

Man Im at a point in my life where I just feel depressed for some reason. I'm getting ready to start my career and I'm excited about it don't get me wrong, but I think I'm slightly depressed about my life as well. Like I suffer from social anxiety and I over think everything and it's driving me crazy...

 

[wavy daddy]

After 28 years on this earth I realized I'm truly alone.

Yo my PM's are open just holla at me

 

[wavy daddy]

Man Im at a point in my life where I just feel depressed for some reason. I'm getting ready to start my career and I'm excited about it don't get me wrong, but I think I'm slightly depressed about my life as well. Like I suffer from social anxiety and I over think everything and it's driving me crazy...

Are you setting your goals too high or are you your biggest critic? Is the anxiety causin you to feel depressed?

You said it yourself, your about to start your career and excited about it....thats basically a new path to find yourself in terms of more money=more chances to explore this world, city, state, country. dont know your background but a ton of ppl on this thread alone arent even able to choose a career path.


Count your blessings and keep it pushin.

Lifes too dam short to dwell on things that wont matter in 2 months or will determine who you are.

Handle ya bidnezz young playa.

 

[dman14]

anyone ever pick up their stuff and just start over somewhere?
i swear i need a change of scenery