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I've seen plenty of threads and even post in here with people saying they are planning to have a kid with someone they don't plan on being with though.
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thoughts on having kids with no intention on marriage?
- Thread in 'General' Thread starter Started by heliumclinton,
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Marriage isn't the problem. The people who just shack up with anyone for the sake of being married are.
If you don't believe in marriage there is nothing wrong with that. And there are people capable of maintaining healthy relationships with the mother/father of their child while not being together but those people are few and far in between. I think typically though that the best way to start a family is with a traditional situation but only if the people involved treat it seriously.
If you don't believe in marriage there is nothing wrong with that. And there are people capable of maintaining healthy relationships with the mother/father of their child while not being together but those people are few and far in between. I think typically though that the best way to start a family is with a traditional situation but only if the people involved treat it seriously.
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You know the way I've always seen it was I would quicker have a kid with a woman because of
1. The kid would be an everlasting representation of the love we share/shared ( I'm not talking everyday regular love, I'm talking about almost soulmate level)
2. Both her and her family has great genetics.
I can't honestly see myself spending the rest of my life having sex with the same woman day in day which then becomes weekly and god forbid monthly or yearly, so unless we have a sort of House of Cards Claire/Frank relationship it aint happening. Then when you take into account the modern woman the only way you're having anything close to that is if you or her were born royalty.
I know it's not just about sex, and more about companionship but at the same time I know myself. I know that I love the companionship of several woman (not on a sexual level, it's more on a spiritual/tantric level). It's a side I can't turn off
But, the other side of this is if she gets married. I really don't feel comfortable with another man raising my kid especially if it's my daughter.
1. The kid would be an everlasting representation of the love we share/shared ( I'm not talking everyday regular love, I'm talking about almost soulmate level)
2. Both her and her family has great genetics.
I can't honestly see myself spending the rest of my life having sex with the same woman day in day which then becomes weekly and god forbid monthly or yearly, so unless we have a sort of House of Cards Claire/Frank relationship it aint happening. Then when you take into account the modern woman the only way you're having anything close to that is if you or her were born royalty.
I know it's not just about sex, and more about companionship but at the same time I know myself. I know that I love the companionship of several woman (not on a sexual level, it's more on a spiritual/tantric level). It's a side I can't turn off
But, the other side of this is if she gets married. I really don't feel comfortable with another man raising my kid especially if it's my daughter.
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shoelyesses
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but the problem is often times then not ppl think due to religious/family/traditions etc... conformities... marriage equates to all of those things... and their lies the issue...
marriage no matter how you feel about it pro/con it is truly nothing more then a legal binding contract.. How you take that and run with it and add to that is again based on all the aforementioned...
Again ppl equate this with a stable family and being a good parent... and that simply isn't true... No paper or contract doesn't magically make w ppl good parents... Again marriage etc... has absolutely nothing to do with being good parents.. having two ppl who are dedicated to doing what is overall in the best interest of the child... and devoting love time etc... to said child/children is the key.
This can be achieved be it married shacking up, step parents, same sex, both single etc... Its just many ppl overlook this very simple and basic principle and think ok we married....so that equates to those things... which it doesn't..
Key example how is a couple married... but husband or wife work crazy hrs and hardly in the home ie.. truck driver, nurse/doctor... being in the military...etc... any different then not being married or living together? Outside of the ring and paper nothing... End of the day both parents aren't together in the household... and one of the parents are in and out constantly of the household..
That would be basically saying the best situation for a child is for parents to be married both work similar field or hrs... work 9-5 off weekends etc... basic office/corporate jobs... and everyone else is more likely to fail...
Cause how for example a married couple with a husband who is a cross country truck driver.... or active duty military being more involved... or being more active providing a better family structure... then the kid who parents who aren't married but they share joint custody to which the kid/kids spend 2/3 days with the father etc..?
How is being married to which the mom is an on call rn... and home maybe 2 or 3 days a week.... better then two ppl never married to which the kids spend 1 day a week and every weekend with the other parent any worse? End of the day its in terms of family time and time spent with kids the same structure... only difference is the piece of paper and the fact that they are an active couple... The time spent etc... togetherness is no different..
its not like a child is gonna miss iuno their mom/dad anymore less... lets say they were on a 9 month tour in Kosovo based on whether their parents are married or not...
Its not like a kid who mom/dad has to work ot... and misses out on a soccer game gonna be like oh well I don't mind they missed the game because at least my parents are married...
Again a healthy childhood etc... is best served when its two stable, self-less loving people who put the wants needs and best interest of the child first and foremost.....And being married does not automatically mean those things, and not being married doesn't automatically mean two ppl lack those things...
shoelyesses
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thing is your not alone...and genetically and historically this is the way we are wired.... again due to religious beliefs, and the whole conditioning of society it has deterred many ppl from thinking/living being true to this... its kinda like how we domesticated dogs/animals.... by instinct they aren't meant to wear leashes, collars, perform tricks... wear clothes... but through time and conditioning/control we have made them believe that instinctly this is the way they were meant to be...
And just like domesticated animals... we as humans...in this case humans using laws, public perception, etc... religion, has shunned or punished or maligned individuals for choosing instincts as oppose to the conventional domesticated ways a certain few deem things to be.
Retto
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Having kids with no intention of a marriage might be the norm soon enough.
Yea I think it's already starting to trend that way. You know it's bad when someone asks you if you have a kid, you say no, && they look at you like you're crazy.
Won't allow myself to have a kid with someone I see no future with...I know I'm likely in the vast minority with what I'm about to say, but I won't even smash a chick who I don't see legit long-term potential for the future with.
Idk, guess that's just me learning from my pops...he && one of my sister's mom have so many issues now, it's wild. Can't imagine having to go through the same...so I choose very wisely, && will continue to.
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Not what I'm describing.
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NOONE HAS SAID ANY OF THAT.
YOU SHOULD BE HAVING A KID WITH THE WOMAN YOU LOVE, THE ONE YOU TRUST ANS SEE YOURSELF WITH FR THE LONG RUN, AT LEAST AT THE TIME YA DECIDED TO START A FAMILY, WATEVER HAPPENS FROM THAT POINT ON TO YA RELATIONSHIP, ONLY A WIZARD WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL YOU, BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW AT THE TIME, SHE WAS THE ONE, MARRIAGE OR NO MARRIAGE
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I've always thought of this as the perfect plan.
No messy divorce, no prenups, no post nups, no 50/50, no alimony. None of the stress that would come with breaking up.
No messy divorce, no prenups, no post nups, no 50/50, no alimony. None of the stress that would come with breaking up.
createdestroy
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you can't have a discussion on thot logic, that's like trying to mathematically solve a paradox
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Repped. Wrap this up.
shoelyesses
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me and my old lady like that and we have separated before got back 2gether... didn't cost me a damn thing... and we still both of us still did what we had to do....tbh it takes a much higher level of maturity etc... to do it this way.... to be able to do whats in the best interest and put personal feelings aside for the greater good...
Its the same like a business.. the most successful business partners corporations aren't the ones that's based on getting along the best or having the closes relationship, they are the ones who no their part and do what is needed to be successful.
and even with a relationship ppl have gotten to the point where they change, be submissive, change viewpoints, give in to their ideas, etc... all in the name of love and/or the ideology/concept that society/conditioning and or religion has told them makes a perfect environment for a child... That's why you have divorces ppl growing apart the latter part of their kids life.
Cause they were all living a lie/façade for the sake of doing the so called "right way" that sometimes it becomes a breaking point and they cant do it anymore. Or in many cases the kids are of age and they feel a need to not do it anymore....
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Once again the subject is not having to get married just to have kids. The subject is people believing kids are less of a bind to a female than a marriage.
shoelyesses
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depends... if talking fiscally then no.... child support 18 yrs... alimony for life or until remarriage.... good lawyer aka get custody or joint... really have no bond...everything is strictly business aka contract.... Same come with similar headaches aka if you get remarried... aka this dude/girl trying to be a new momma/daddy aka I don't want no one else raising having say/influence on my kid....
So all in all its on how you approach the situation...and who the person is on the other end... but id say marriage... its lenty of folks who have kids and they have no bond/bind to a female.... with marriage you not only have that bind but because of kids you have that plus the families etc... so on and so forth...
plenty of ppl I hear all the time are single home ppl and have no ties etc... to dad/mom.... with marriage you got the person you was with.... who they might end up with and the whole family... and because of the marriage and kids you gonna have that bind/ball and chain forever and more then likely its not gonna be a very pleasant one....
now if marriage and no kids outside of tax benefits your just stupid.... cause really all you have is a contract that says yall currently together.... this can be achieved without... and this is true because you was together before the marriage. outside again of religious nonsense...society influence etc... you are doing it to in a materialistic way proving your love to a person. And if you gotta buy love etc... commitment you really don't have it at all....
Now if you willing to accept this...and live the lie... and live the pretend game and act like it has nothing to do with it and use excuses such as oh that's just how I was raised...god says so... its the so called "right thing to do" then that's fine... so long as you can accept and commit to the bs...
id rank it as such..
married/divorce having kids...
just having kids...
just being married no kids...
in order of strongest bind/bond stuck with hassle etc however you wanna word it
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Bro do you have kids? Ain't no way you could look at the child and not see the other half who created them. I'm not talking about alimony or child support.
shoelyesses
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I don't even or never even thought about it...I just see view them for them.... just like anyone anybody else... I don't look at my sis or brother and with our parents on my mind.... I don't be staring or drifting off or iuno on some man I sure see your mama every time I look into your eyes...
iuno that sounds iuno weird now that I think about it... like why would I think of they mama while im looking being around them... and what would impromptu me to even have thoughts in that direction...
Again like I said two mature ppl can look past and see whats in the best interest in the child.... only way I can see your scenario is on some you still hung up on the chick/or chick hung up on you but has repressed feelings etc... and want them but don't want to be with them...on some I don't want them but I don't wanna see them with someone else etc... again that isn't the signs o two mature ppl who are focused and about putting the best interest of the kids first.
Ansd that happens all to often.... like some 9th 10th grade type ish.... then that's when you have folks masking it with oh its because the kids and I don't want no other person/man woman around involved with my kids... as if they being home schooled isolated from all other ppl...
or the she/he could be a bad person a such and such... well if you think the other party etc... dates have negative ppl always around them and you afraid that will affect the kid...then what does that say about you? cause they chose you....
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Don't marry a chick just cuz u knocked them up...seen this many times n the couples are rarely happy
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This too, especially if they do it young. Dudes be looking so sad, like their eyes are saying "help me".
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Everytime I hit the mall I see young dudes like that. Obese wife eating a Cinnabon, kid crying, dude looking like he wanna off himself right then and there
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Sounds like half of the guys in the Navy and Marine Corps (was in the Military so i know whats up)Everytime I hit the mall I see young dudes like that. Obese wife eating a Cinnabon, kid crying, dude looking like he wanna off himself right then and there
shoelyesses
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ah man its so sad lol... iuno bout them but army it got so bad they give a course of some sort on this for dudes entering basic rsp...and before aa deployment...
I was down in fort benning and that's the case I think its 50% and the chick leaves not before getting knocked up of course.. and you know how the military govt get down... the way they take care of them its like alimony on a 100... dudes come back to another cat playing daddy and hubby and dude more or less footing the bill....
Another stat I recall sitting in while observing the class 30% of homeless men are soldiers/ex soldiers who got married etc... wife did the number to them and the check gets so depleted that they basically a left with nothing but homeless status... and you know how the rest go... ptsd drugs/alcohol etc.. all down hill
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as long as the kid/kids is being taken care of. i see no problem with it.. some people are different.
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This whole thread wouldn't be an issue if we used condoms? If i know if im with a woman that i kbow i won't marry id use protection. Lol but my plan is i would first meet a girl that i never get tired of and i could keep a good conversation with maybe date her for 3-5 years then get married both of us hold down a job and get married and go traveling and have kids by 29.
shoelyesses
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100% condoms lol where they selling them at.....? This like business plans are just a hope... an idea..... think of it this way... how many ppl you know went out tried to be self employed start a business with the mindset or plan of I want to start go out in hopes/plans of failing... I want to end up failing losing it all... but just like marriage/business things/life happen...
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It's my current plan at the moment.
Whether it's as serious or not as marriage is irrelevant and probably more subjective depending on the person. Either way you simply have to decide and prepare yourself for the commitment.
Whether it's as serious or not as marriage is irrelevant and probably more subjective depending on the person. Either way you simply have to decide and prepare yourself for the commitment.
