Names you probably shouldn't name your kids with

[aircommandermarsfiend]

My daughter's middle name is Apricot lol (there's a reason). She has a "normal" first name, though.

 

[dathbgboy]

I feel like people shouldn't name their kids, mainly girls, anything that is derived from their dad's name i.e. Derrick= Derricka or LaDerrick, anything w/ iqua, tay, or any other prefix or suffix to try and make the name sound unique.

I can only imagine how many little kids runnin around today named LeBron

 

[youngheadjenks5]

Codeine. (Somebodies baby girl will be very lucky.)

 

[sreggie101]

I feel like people shouldn't name their kids, mainly girls, anything that is derived from their dad's name i.e. Derrick= Derricka or LaDerrick, anything w/ iqua, tay, or any other prefix or suffix to try and make the name sound unique.

I can only imagine how many little kids runnin around today named LeBron

well said.

 

[krazy88s]

John, Martin, Brian, Matthew, Sarah, Jose, Peter, Michael, Joseph, David, Angela, Susan, Jessica, Katie, Robert, Cathy, Annie

 

[krisboyz781]

Swear I was about to post this at first 

Tbh Shaniqua is probably one of the least seen ghetto names.

 

[send one]

on everything i love, theres 2 twin girls on my block named hennessy and alizé .....

Thug passion!

 

[T Lo Sweater]

Prolink



Srs

I know someone with that one

 

[Hunnynutcheerios]

i went to hs with a girl named Jaina and all the kids used to make fun of her and call her vagina 

 

[gllahone84]

Thug passion!

repped. 

A cup of thug passion will make everything right...

 

[blkrstr21]

That's just an old Italian name.

oh i know. i probably should of mentioned that the dad is german/mexican and the mother is native american. so thats why i thought it was a dumb name, cause hes nowhere near italian 

 

[captnaj phd]

Hoo boy...I've heard 'Telligent, DaRealyst, J'Sgn, Jihad (courtesy of some converted Muslims), all manner of -eeshas, -teeshas and -leeshas, apostrophe explosions, alternate spellings, my personal pet peeve, poorly regendered names (ex Markette, daughter or Mark and Alicio, son of Alicia) as well as accidental jokes like Love Johnson (a guy I knew in high school apparently wanted his daughter to have a career in adult films).

It's crazy what ******** people will just slap on their kid's birth certificate with no regard for how the name will haunt the kid for 18 years at the very least (the age to change it). I could go on all day about bad names...hell, I have.
 

Spoiler: Warning%3A%20On%20all%20day!

"Expecting (the Worst)", available now on (undermyfitted...)

I've long thought that some of my brothas and sistas make some...questionable choices when it comes to naming their kids. I don't even have to make the jokes...if you're reading this, I'm sure you've heard some of them (besides, I used them all in the following post).

Anyway, when I was writing my second book, "What to Expect You're Expecting (the Worst)", I couldn't help but address the situation, so I devoted an entire chapter to it. Usually, my chapters come in bunches and can cost up to $12, and I probably would've left it that way. That is, if it wasn't for J'Sgn.

J'Sgn (actual spelling, supposed to somehow spell the name of the original Red Ranger) is a little boy I learned of this morning who lives here in Philly. Obviously, his...unique...name made me think about what I had to say about naming children and the considerations and consequences thereof.

It was then that I realized that my profit margins aside, this was a message that people needed to read by any means necessary...and so, with that in mind, here's a chapter straight out of my newest book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting (the Worst)".

This is for you, J'sgn. May you someday find a good job.

What’s In a Name?

A lot more than most people think, actually. Behind almost every birth certificate, there was a long, drawn out discussion of what would appear on it. Even your own name was likely the result of an extended debate and possibly a few arguments. I myself was going to be named a few things, some worse than others, but in the end my father’s narcissism won out and I was named “Anthony”, after him. It’s not the worst name in the world…just a bit unimaginative.

However, when I consider what might have been, I appreciate what I ended up being called more than ever. A lot of people I know personally got saddled with some real whoppers. I can’t specify, obviously…if the people tagged with them see their meaningless, made-up names rigged together out of apostrophes, vowels, and duct tape, they’ll know I was talking about them…and in news of importance, try to sue me or something). I’m sure you can think of a few cases that you’re aware of where you wonder whether the parents were on hard drugs or off the wagon when they named their kid. 

By its very nature, a name is something a child must carry with it for its entire life, or at least until they’re old enough to get that ******** changed. A good name is a bonus attribute for a person, sounding pretty, being pleasing to the ear, or just being pronounced correctly every first day of school. It’s also one less thing for other kids to make fun of…why not head off a complex before it ever happens? In short, a good name is a good start for your kid’s run at life.

In contrast, a bad name is like stumbling out of the blocks…it’s not impossible to win, just that much harder than it had to be. Truly bad names come in four main flavors, “Why that Word” (Apple, Sixteen, Passion), “Frankenstein's Moniker” (LeDavid, D’Napoleon, Obamanesha), “Bad Scrabble Rack” (Shaquante, Uniqua, Mxypltlik), and the insidious “Accidental Joke” (Richard Head, Love Jones, Donald Duck…seriously, Google that last guy, he turned to a life of crime. Wonder why?). Your mileage may vary, but I assume most reasonable people would want to avoid doing something like that to their own child.

To that end, this chapter is a guideline to giving your soon-to-be-baby the best name you two can agree on, broken down step by step in the hopes that you can get this surprisingly tricky process out of the way smoothly. Let’s start in the obvious place…

First Name

Think of a first name as a brand name, like Coca-Cola. (Not as a name for your kid, dickhole.) The first name, obviously, is a person’s introduction, the first thing most people ever know about them. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I’m betting the florist would sell slightly less of them if they started randomly calling them “herpes blooms” tomorrow, so that theory only goes so far.

You might have a few in mind that you’ve always liked, and that’s a good start. Now you’ll want to eliminate a few possibilities to make the discussion shorter. First, try making flash cards of some of the name candidates and showing them to a few people. If nobody catches the pronunciation the first few times, you might want to reconsider. Also, just in case you were toying with the idea, most product names are a bad idea. Naming your daughter Alize makes it that much easier to pick a stripper name one day. (It’s a more common thing for girls than boys, and should become a less common thing overall.)

You both will also want to not do anything stupid like naming your kid after any exes. Sure, the odds are low the other person will ever find out and it’s nice that you still carry a flame for your lost love, but let’s say it does one day come out. I’ll spare you the scandalous and sensationalistic speculation, but you can’t tell me that will turn out well with a straight face. Also, as a note to any females who are reading this, please do not name your baby after “his father” if you are unsure of your child’s paternity. That should be self-explanatory to anyone who isn’t a deceitful gutterbutt tramp mistress.

Another thing you may want to consider not doing is mangling actual English words into names. I’ve seen “’Telligent”, who may grow up to be dumber than a bag of left-handed hammers and absolutely has an apostrophe as the first letter of his name, “Harleequinn”, who probably chalks the fact that everyone laughs at her name to the fact that it refers to Joker’s sidekick, and “Darealyst”, who has a very fake-sounding name. (I hope he never gets pulled over without an ID, it’ll be one of the realest situations he’ll ever encounter.) Being unique is one thing, being an object of ridicule for everyone with a 3[sup]rd[/sup] grade education before they even see your face is another.

The first name is also the big prize for name-afters. Expect to hear some requests from both camps for the baby to be named after this aunt or that great-grandfather, or maybe even yourself. (I personally think that defeats the purpose of having different names so people can respond to different sounds and know they, specifically, are being referred to. As I mentioned though, I’m a junior…second…whatever…so I can’t really say ****.) 

Know that this is that serious to anyone who takes the time to ask, and having one family member feel slighted because you gave the baby another’s name is a barrel of ******** you don’t need in your life. When you think about how her family is probably pressuring her the same way, it’s really a lot of pressure in an already highly pressurized situation. 

If there’s going to be a dispute at all about which relative gets the first name, I strongly suggest you go in a completely different direction with it. Turn over a completely new leaf and name it after nobody on either tree. That way everybody can only be just as mad as the next person who didn’t get a child dedicated to them, and they can all form a support group and get the **** over it together. Remember, it’s your baby…otherwise they’d be reading this book instead.

Middle Name(s)

Here, inconspicuously tucked between the names people use on a regular basis, is where people tend to color outside the lines a bit. If you’re going to throw a curveball, you’ll want to put it here where the only time it will regularly be heard are when mommy is extremely upset at the kid. (Nothing like hearing your full birth name from a distance to let you know playtime is over.) I’ve heard everything from “Algonquin” to “Crimefighter” to “Skyy” (seriously with the liquor, people!) to “Zachariah” stuck in the middle, and only on high school graduation day will anyone who counts ever have to know.

This is where people often stash things like the name of the small town the child was born (or conceived) in, names of historical figures, personal quirkiness such as a character name from a movie that only the person who gave it to them ever saw twice on purpose, and family names they could not get out of under penalty of banishment. Some people even choose to give their children multiple middle names to honor half a family line or something, which is a nice thought. (Well, except for the poor kid who will be stuck trying to memorize their name until they’re 8.)

The Last Name

This usually is pretty straightforward. The kid gets its father’s last name (I suspect this is done with the hope that one day the mother will have it too and they can be a complete set). If mommy will be attempting to play the roles of both parents because she tried to give a child to a man who did not want one, this pattern still holds. A not-unheard-of alternative is the hyphenation of both last names, the order of which obviously shall be based on what sounds better, if it makes a difference (e.g. Irons-Smith). 

If it doesn’t, it should be settled between you with the knowledge that the last-last name is the first last name people think of and what it will be shortened to in common usage…so at least there’s something to fight over. Also, If one of your last names is Gingenbottoms or something equally unfortunate, then you might want to tuck that out of sight before the dash so at least your child can have something you never did…a chance to hide it. Doesn’t any responsible parent want better for their kids?

Initials Here

Something many people don’t immediately consider is the initials that the name they chose form. They really should. For example, “Franklin Arnold Turner” might sound like a pretty inoffensive name, but a closer inspection reveals that the kid better not be too far overweight if he wants to make it through middle school alive. 

Most sets of initials are complete nonsense (even cool-sounding nonsense like my accidental kid accidentally ended up with…”DXVM” sounds like a distant, futuristic Super Bowl or an experimental fighter jet, which is fairly awesome) and considering the alternative, it’s probably best that way. I have a funny feeling it doesn’t feel great to come to school the day after some kid figures out that your initials are “LOL”, “STD”, or worse.

Picking a name together can be one of the few fun parts of this whole thing, if you two aren’t too far apart in your idea of what makes a good name. Of course, if one of you wants to pick a name from the front of Pop Culture Magazine (how many Rihannas were there twenty years ago? How about since 2005?) and the other wants to honor a grandmother, there are going to be problems…but hell, at least you now have the tools to work through them as quickly as possible. 

Oh, one last word of advice: Whatever you do, don’t name your kid “Blue Ivy”…I noticed quite a few people considering it at the time this was written. It’s not only a plagiarriffic thing to do, but your kid probably wasn’t born rich enough to make bearing such a dumb name irrelevant. Aight, now that we’re done discussing names for the future, let’s talk about some in your past…

...but not right now. I've given you quite enough of my paid **** for free. I'm all for sending scathingly positive messages, but I gotta pay the bills, y'know?

...so glad my parents named me "Anthony" like they got some ****damn sense.
 

Moxie CrimeFighter.

Yooo I know a girl middlenamed Crimefighter like 2 degrees of separation away. What the ****, yo?! That's going to be one embarrassing HS graduation.

 

[pepperjackchees]

i went to hs with a girl named Jaina and all the kids used to make fun of her and call her vagina 

Cousin's name is Pooja. She told me how the people in her elementary school tease her and call her poo poo.

Anyways, I know it's a common Indian name but I still wouldn't name a daughter that because it sounds weird to a lot of ignorant people, and sadly we have to deal with a lot of ignorant people in life.

 

[nyzthoro]

 

[the qbz]

I know a girl named la miracle
Kid I work with named fredrick delona rosevelt jones
Aloishus..... jalen x40.......
My uncle is named uni

 

[senor chang]

My Ho

 

[The_Isomotion31]

My half brother named his son Gambit.....

My cousin named her son Kal-El....

unbelievable

To each their own I suppose.

 

[HankHill]

I recently met a chick named Coconut. Like that's her actual name. I thought it was a nickname on the sign in sheet. She says you get used to it after a while.


And shout out to the 30 year old women named Sparkle who aren't strippers...

 

[solefood229]

Knew a cat named wonderful

Chick named Wachovia

 

[quietmoney]

A kid back in HS was named Stormwolf.

 

[AgentZero]

My friend is friends with a girl who's nurse at a maternity ward and she said a couple named their J' (pronounced Japostrophe).  The parents who named their daughter "Lula Does the Hula from Hawaii" had to rename their kid. 

I used to mess with a chick that worked as a maternity nurse too. The craziest name she ever told me was ShaquilleO'Neal spelt exactly as I wrote it, all one word

Someone either lost a bet or is a big fan 

 

[paulprince3730]

Worked at the boys and girls club in the hood.

Woman named her daughter...

Fa'eva...

I bull **** you not.

LMFAO

thats da one, ive heard some head scratchers, but never so wild

 

[moe szyslak]

knew this chick in high school named La'Queefa 

 

[sreggie101]

on everything i love, theres 2 twin girls on my block named hennessy and alizé .....

edit: nm.

doesnt reek of lazy tho?

 

[nychiphophippo]

Osama or Sadaam if you're Muslim