sleaze jar omens
Banned
- 938
- 11
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2012
- Get more fiber into your system. This will make pooping easier, faster, and most importantly, cleaner.
- When you sit on the bowl, attempt to spread your cheeks a little right before contact with the bowl. Optionally, squat over the bowl (have your feet on the bowl rim). I don't recommend this unless the toilet you're using is built for this.
- When actually pooping, aim for long thrusts - try to get the entire log out at once. If you have to take a break, don't snap the log - just let it hang out until you feel ready to go again. It helps if your upper body is leaning forward. Experiment with this until you find an optimal zone. Mine is with my elbows on my knees and my head resting on my hands, but I know some people have their head by their knees.
- Once absolutely, EVERYTHING is out and you feel ready, grab a couple of squares of toilet paper. Personally, the equivalent of 3 ply is enough for me (rounding down), but sometimes I have to get the equivalent of 6. (If this confuses you, think of it this way: if you have single ply and want the equivalent of 3, fold 3 squares into 1. If you have 2 ply and you want the equivalent of 3, use 2 squares).
- Lay the square on your fingers such that it lays flat and your middle finger is along the middle axis of the paper.
- Bend over (DO NOT STAND UP YOU BARBARIAN) and position your finger tips between your genitals and your $!%$. Your middle finger should be in the path leading to your $!%$.
- Wipe away from your genitals, applying the most pressure to your middle finger. If all goes well, you should get a nice streak of poo. Fold paper and repeat from step 5 until paper is exhausted (usually 1 or 2 more wipes). Discard any used paper into the toilet.
- Poop clustered around hair can be taken out after one or two wipes. Simply use a fresh sheet and begin the wipe. When over the $!%$/anal hair, use a pulling action to clean off the poo. This should take care of the poop.
- Use more paper as necessary until there the paper comes away clean or you start bleeding (easier than you think).
- Flush and feel proud of your clean %!+%%@@.
EDIT: In step 7, you should be reaching around your back. Putting your hands behind your legs is ridiculous.
EDIT 2: A lot of people are asking why standing is so bad. By bending over in step 6, your butt cheeks spread apart making the job a whole lot easier. If you stand, your cheeks close getting poop on them and making your $!%$ harder to access in general.
EDIT 3: People are also complaining about the lack of bidets and wetting tissues. These options are indeed optimal, but many households and public restrooms are not set up for these operations in the United States.
source: http://www.reddit.com/r/A...ly_wipe_my_hairy/c4bn22c
