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http://undermyfitted.blogspot.com/2012/10/jobbed-field-guide-to-employment.html
So, you're either part of the 10% of Americans who don't have a job or part of the approximately 83% who hate theirs and want to find a new one. Surprisingly, finding a company willing to purchase the better portion of your waking hours at a fair price so you can do their bidding indefinitely isn't the easiest thing in the world.
Looking for a job can be a very frustrating experience. The days are past when one could just stroll into a local business and pick up some hours in the time it takes to fill out an application and print out a uniform shirt. No, finding a job is a full-time job these days. From extensive searches online to inquiring about job leads through one's personal network to attending job fairs where they will probably tell you to go online to continue the process, it's tough to navigate sometimes.
It can get even tougher when you don't have any of what they call "credentials", which are fancy sheets of paper indicating that you have paid an institution a large sum of money to say you are good at something. However, where it can be toughest is once you've actually gotten somebody's attention. At that point, it's a whole new ball game...the object of this game being to do one's best impression of a robot programmed to work for that specific company. In case you, like most people who are any fun whatsoever, don't know how to do that offhand, I offer you the following. Without any further introbation, here it is:
Pregame
One common mistake that people make at job interviews is assuming the employer is looking for a specific kind of person. That simply isn't true. You see, what most companies are looking for are drones. Think of a beehive. On top, you have the big fat queen, lazing around and delegating responsibility to her underlings. These are the people that will hopefully hire you. Underneath that, there are a vast number of mindless servants called drones in the trenches whose job it is to keep the thing running, bring in the honey, and just not **** anything up. That worker bee is you.
First of all, worker bees show up on time under penalty of banishment from the hive. That translates directly to your situation. Worker bees also all look as close to exactly alike as possible. You'll want to do the same, so be sure to dress exactly the same whether you're interviewing to be a CEO of Apple or a shoe sorter at Foot Locker. If you're wrapped in the same cloth as people they see as competent, you'll look competent too. It's a logical fallacy that could work in your favor. Also, if worker bees do have any personality, it's discouraged in the workplace. You'll probably do well to leave yours at home too...after all, you're not a person, you're an employment candidate.
Game Time
It's time for your interview! Are you ready to get in there and convince your future boss why he should hire you? Of course not! Among other critical paperwork like filling in a job history form like you didn't bring a resume with you, there is usually at least one questionnaire asking a plethora of the stupidest **** imaginable. For example:
You are forced to deal with an irate customer. What do you do?
A) Argue with the customer.
B) Politely suggest that the customer find an employee who gives a **** to yell at.
C) Keep the customer as calm as possible and inform the customer that you will find a manager that can address their concerns.
D) Apologize profusely to the customer and offer discounts on goods and services to placate them.
No matter what you would actually do, the answer is C. Sure, you may have been on both sides of the situation before and almost never seen it done from either angle...but the answer is still C. Get it? Okay, let's try a trickier one.
Punctuality is essential to a functional workplace.
A) strongly agree
B) agree
C) neither agree nor disagree
D) disagree
E) strongly disagree
This is a question I had to answer for my last job. Even though I quickly found out that nobody actually believed this, as being on time often meant being the first one at work, it's still best to agree...and not just agree, but strongly agree. Shout "yes!" and pound the table as you answer...well, in your head, anyway. Point is, they must believe that what they want is as important to you as life itself. How about one more?
There are people with whom I prefer not to work.
A) True
B) False
Everyone who has ever had a job--**** that--everyone who has ever met more than 5 people knows that there are people that one would not exactly love spending 40 hours a week around. However, that's not nice...it's just true. What you want to do is make it seem as though they could pop a gossipy Hitler with bad hygiene in the cubicle next to you and everything would be wunderbar. It's total ********, I'll bet that you won't be able to stand the majority of people you work with...but then again, total ******** is exactly what you're in the business of producing until you get a real job, yes? A good rule of thumb is to pick the answer which sounds the least like something anybody would do or say.
After a few more equally simple-minded and pointless opportunities to lie, the actual interview will come. Job interviews are often made into this big, scary concept where one is led before an all-powerful being to be judged as a person...but really, it's not that bad if you just remember to pack an adequate supply of ********.
Yes, ******** is essential to succeeding in the corporate world...people are more likely to approve of people like them, and as many executive-types are full of ****, they'd like to make sure that the people in their employ take after them. (At least that's my theory on why they expect people to answer these questions the way they do.) Here are a few common ones and how to answer them...and more importantly, how not to.
"Tell me a little about yourself."
Wrong: "I was born here in Milwaukee, the 3rd of 5 children, I went to Michigan State for a year before my loans dried up, and I couldn't pick a major anyway. I'm currently looking for a job with anyone who will pay me enough money to continue living in a building."
Right: "Well, I grew up around here, so I've been able to keep up with X Company's progress and community impact for years. I attended Michigan State and I'm looking to complete my course work there in the near future. I majored in Y with a minor in *whatever X company does* and I'm currently looking for work in my field."
"Why do you want this job?"
Wrong: "So I can pay my bills, dickhead. The **** else would I get a job for?"
Right: "Working with X company is an opportunity to increase my experience, advance my career, and gain a sense of pride from working with a team to make X company a better place."
"What are your strengths and weaknesses?"
Wrong: "My strengths are that I mix the best drinks of all my friends and I kick *** at Call of Duty. My weaknesses are kryptonite and redheads."
Right: "My strengths are my attention to detail, work ethic, and leadership qualities. As for my weaknesses, I don't like to think of myself as having any, only areas that can be made into strengths."
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Wrong: "Hopefully not sitting through another dumb *** interrogation like this and continuing to collect a paycheck."
Right; "In an increased role within the company, making a true difference for myself, my co-workers, my bosses, and those we serve."
"Describe yourself in one word."
Wrong: "Awesome."
Right: "Willing."
"What do you expect from this company?"
Wrong: "My checks not to bounce."
Right: "A fulfilling job, an enriching work environment, experience I can't get anywhere else, and the daily satisfaction of a job well-done."
"Why should I hire you?"
Wrong: Isn't that your job to figure out? What are you doing here if I can just tell you that?"
Right: "Because if you give me this opportunity, I will make the most of it. I'll go above and beyond to make sure that the decision you make hiring me is one you won't live to regret." (The subtext being that if they do end up regretting it, they can ******g kill themselves for all you care.)
There are a few other notes such as smiling and making eye contact, and the fact that the reason you left your last job is always more "wanting a new/fresh start" and less "got fired for sticking my **** in the milkshake machine". You'll also want to switch to meth or coke if you're a soon-to-be-piss-tested stoner, as those are out of your system in 48 hours while weed takes about 48 days to clear your system (isn't that the message that sends, that a hardcore alchy or speed freak is more employable than a pothead?)...but those things are fairly obvious. Figuring out a way to manage all that is part of the job you're going for, now isn't it?
If you've done all this right, you should have a new job...in theory. Here's hoping that you enjoy--well, tolerate--your exciting new career prospect. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this guide to job interviews...you won't enjoy scraping all those vile, unctuous lies off your tongue nearly as much. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.
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