Anyone been on this site? http://dontevenreply.com/

[morningstar7777]

Comedy emails in this piece.....

http://dontevenreply.com/

Feel free to quote funnies here cuz my trackpad broke and can't copy/paste

 

[rolaholic]

Original ad: 
Wanted - CHILDRENS DVDS
Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up - will take all unwanted DVDs!

From Me to *********@**********.org:

Hey there!

I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,

Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alladin
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Fantasia
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5

Please let me know which ones you want.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate. 

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia, 

Which titles are inappropriate? 

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

I think you know which ones...

From Me to Julia ******:

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.

You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

From Me to Julia ******:

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?

By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2 
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.

From Me to Julia ******:

Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Go to hell.

 

[vezon]

Son is like the ultimate troll. Took me like 2 days to read every reply but it had me in tears

 

[persiafly]

lolz were definitely had.

 

[coldcity]

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.


#nolongerhere

 

[iheartdrums]

 

[jerryjones]

hilarious

 

[dom90]

wow

 

[Gill Baka Esq. LLC.]

OHHHH NOEZ! that story is too

@

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?

By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

best ending evarrr/

 

[rolaholic]

Spacious Studio Apartment

Posted at: 2011-02-10 14:39:39 | 380 comments | Add Comment

Original ad: 
Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans 

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey,

I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.

Regards,

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?

From Me to Ari ******:

March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.

Mike

Attachments:

From Ari ****** to Me:

Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.

From Me to Ari ******:

Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep? 

From Me to Ari ******:

I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.

Showering? You don't need to shower - you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off. 

Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10. 

I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to *%%% in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!

From Me to Ari ******:

You don't have to *%%% in the sink, it is just an option. You can also *%%% out the window, or *%%% in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like *%%% down there. 

At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free. 

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A ##@!#@@ POOL.

Why am I arguing with you? This is ##@!#@@ ridiculous. Conversation over. 

From Me to Ari ******:

Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know. 

From Ari ****** to Me:

Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool!

"There's an Indian restaurant near so it already smells like *%%% down there" 

 

[rico x hood]

This is mad old. I believe there are also two books filled with the different emails.

 

[ebpo]

Reminds me of this: http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

 

[brocomeatme]

i've read like 10 so far I'm dying

 

[rolaholic]

The dudes response to the disguised weapons one 

 

[frijo sneaker]

 

[vincecarterwut]

From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org
RE: Air Hockey Table

Hello,

I saw your ad for an air hockey table and had a question about it. My girlfriend tells me has always wanted to have sex on an air hockey table. Before I shell out $150 for this, I just wanted to know if sex on an air hockey table is practical and/or really even worth it. I told her if she wanted air blowing on her we could just lay on a window fan, but she is insisting that I get an air hockey table. What do you think?

Tim

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me

Dont think it is as sturdy as my pool table but you two can c0ome try it out and let me know

From Timmy Tucker to **********@yahoo.com

Great. I'll let my girlfriend know. Will we have privacy, or are you going to be there to make sure we don't break it?

From ***********@yahoo.com to Me

I will be there for support and help but very private
Troll got trolled

 

[michael0360]

that pic of the apartment got me

all of these got me crackin up
*+@* is hilarious

 

[verdykt]

Barter my %##%* wife is my favorite. I was crackin up in the library

 

[rolaholic]

Operation: Soccer Escort

Posted at: 2009-08-07 09:03:54

Original ad: 
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!

From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day. 

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3. 

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities. 

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed. 

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver. 

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate, 

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball. 

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field. 

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe. 

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life. 

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...

Nicks story sounds exactly like a black ops mission

 

[coldcity]

clumsy seller

Original ad: 
MULTI-DISC CD player wanted
WTB a CD changer that can hold at least 50 CDs. Must be in good condition. Email or call 215-***-****

From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hello, 

I am selling my 60-Disc Technics SL-MC4 CD changer. This thing is in excellent condition and works great. I have included a picture of it. I'm asking $75 for it. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Mike

Attachments:

From Steve ******* to Me:

Mike, the CD player looks good. Does it have a remote? If so, I can pick it up tomorrow. Where do you live?

Steve

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve,

It does have a remote. Tomorrow works for me, I work in Manayunk near the hospital and can bring the CD player to work with me. We can meet anywhere around there in the afternoon.

Just one minor thing though, and I truly am sorry about this, but I accidentally tripped over the CD player in the dark earlier and chipped the side of the plastic cover. There isn't a screen there and it does not affect the performance whatsoever, but I just thought I should let you know. I've included a picture of the small chip.

Mike

Attachments:

From Steve ******* to Me:

No worries... That is fine. What's your phone number? Mine is 215-***-****.

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve, I'm really sorry, but I accidentally damaged it a little more. I really should have moved it out of the middle of the hallway, because I just tripped over it again. Unfortunately I was wearing steel-tipped boots and cracked the plastic cover around the screen. A few of the buttons got mashed in as well. You can still play songs 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9, though. Or just use the remote. It still plays CDs fine, and I've included a picture of it powered on so you can see that it still works. 

Once again, I am terribly sorry about this. I am going to knock $10 off of the price for your inconvenience.

Mike

Attachments:

From Steve ******* to Me:

Could you drop the price down to $50? That looks pretty bad.

From Me to Steve *******:

Sure. It is my fault for tripping over it anyway.

From Me to Steve *******:

Hey, it's me again. I was loading the CD player into my trunk to bring to work tomorrow, but then my friend called me and I got distracted. Long story short, I forgot the CD player was behind my car and I accidentally backed over it a little bit when I went to go to Wawa. Thankfully I hit the brakes before I crushed anything important, but the back frame is a little bent. 

I assure you that the CD player still works. On the bright side, the car must have popped that chipped plastic cover off of the front, so now you can clearly see the real screen. I think it looks better, don't you? From the front, staring at it head on, you can't even tell that the back is bashed in like that. Seeing as I improved the looks from the front, I am going to bump the price back up to $60. 

I am going to try my best to bend the metal frame back to the way it was. Once again, I am very sorry about this.

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

Are you kidding me? That thing is ruined. What a freaking klutz you are! How didn't you realize it was behind your car?

From Steve ******* to Me:

Oh, and you have the nerve to charge me MORE money for breaking it worse?

From Me to Steve *******:

Don't worry, I can fix it. I'm working on fixing it right now.

From Me to Steve *******: 

Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, the CD player still works. The bad news is that I was smoking a cigar while I was trying to repair it, and it accidentally set part of the CD player on fire. 

As you can see from the picture, some of the CD player has melted. Thanks to my 2 months experience as a volunteer firefighter, my instincts kicked in and I was able to extinguish the flames with my coffee before too much of the CD player melted. It still can hold about 33-35 CDs, and all that stuff that melted on the right side wasn't important anyway. 

Unfortunately, I drink expensive coffee and it was nearly full when I had to use it to put out the fire. Therefore, I am adding another $3 to the price of the CD player to bring the grand total to $63.

Once again, the CD player still works. I think it sounds even better than before. It is now in my trunk and ready to be sold to you tomorrow. I'll give you a call when I have my lunch break so we can meet up for the sale.

Thanks, 

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

You must be stupid if you think I'll pay $63 for the charred remains of your CD player. I can't believe how badly you managed to %*@# that thing up. How are you still alive? How have you managed to make it this far in life, when CLEARLY you are too foolish to keep even a CD player from being burned to a crisp? I really want to know! Please, Mike, tell me.

From Me to Steve *******:

I'm sorry if I upset you by bumping the price up to $63. Let's just call it $60. Deal?

From Steve ******* to Me:

...how are you this dumb?

 

[h01yshnik3s]

I've read all of these at one point. I've stayed up late countless nights due to that site.

 

[|A-Man|]

I had this site bookmarked. Shh was way too funny

Always good for a laugh.

 

[ienyczhtxp]

This stuffs got me cracking up. Anyone know any similar sites?

 

[gmsboy1]

Too hilarious.*bookmarked

 

[josebronx]