Confessions

shoyru said:
Today, I had my first emotional breakdown in a year. I started having suicidal thoughts again. I'm so angry and disappointed of myself because I thought I was done with that. I haven't felt like this since like April 2013.

Every single DAY my dad yells at me about my job, or just anything in general. I feel like I'm his punching bag. I NEVER do anything right to him. I'm not a bad kid but he thinks I'm wilding out with no real evidence. Literally he accuses me of doing drugs and stuff OUT OF NOWHERE, because I don't talk to him. I don't voluntarily want to spend time with him because all he does is yell at me. It just brings down my spirit.

He wasn't there to protect me when my ex assaulted me as a teenager. He thought I was overreacting. I was cutting myself when I was 18-19 and told him I was so depressed. He threatened to take me to a mental hospital & told me that because of my cut up arm, I'm unfit for medial school. Instead of getting me help, he thought I was lying. He cared more about the costs of the car instead of the fact that I wasn't hurt when I got into a car accident.

Nowadays I just wish I died in the car accident instead so he won't worry about money, and so his life would be better off without me.

And the worst part is that I'm 22 now and I still feel alone in this ordeal because I don't want to be a burden to those who love me. I know people got my back, but still. I don't want so seem like a whiny *****.

I can't ******* take this **** anymore!
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Seriously, you need to move out. You've been talking about your dad for awhile and it's at the point where you are UNSAFE dealing with that kind of stress. You need to be selfish and think about your needs. Instead of trying to win your dad over, you need to realize the best course of action is to remove and cut out this toxic person from your life. That starts with you moving out of the house and taking away the power he has over you.

He may not respect you for moving but his reaction is not what you should be worried about. No one should be dealing with emotional abuse on a regular basis - definitely not when it leads to suicidal thoughts.

You need to stop being afraid of leaving the "safety" of your parents home and support. Yes, they provide you with food and shelter and maybe money but you aren't safe in that house. You won't be safe around him and his comments until you are truly independent from them. That's really why he's hurting you. Yes, he is your father but the issue is that you are dependent on him. You feel like you need the house, like you need his approval, like you need that support. The truth is you don't. Those are just things. This abuse is putting your life in danger.

Move in with a friend until you can get on your feet (or couch surf if you have more friends in the area to not burden one specific person). If you don't have a job, get one - anything that'll make money. I'm sure you have enough friends around you to help out, especially if you tell them your situation. You shouldn't be living in a toxic environment dude.

If you're unwilling to move out (as mad ppl have suggested in this thread), can you explain why not? Because it sounds like this situation is literally breaking you down. How much worse can it get if you move out and learn to survive on your own?
 
Kids have too much pride, but most people get hurt by it. Save your funds,.and dont move out until you are ready for it. You need to prove your ego that you can hold down a job for two years minimal, before you start looking at a place of your own. Now the whole rent vs own is another thing in itself.

No money, no talk. Put down that pride and use your brain.
 
Pride? It's not pride when this stuff is leading to suicidal thoughts. When it's leading to self harm. 2 years of that? You've got to be kidding. I know what you're saying but this isn't a matter of pride. It's mental health and safety.

@shoryu - I know it's hard because of cultural values and money but you should seriously weigh that stuff versus your mental health in this situation. Yes, living paycheck to paycheck sucks but people do it. People live paycheck to paycheck with kids to feed and families to support. And they do it without wanting to harm themselves. Money isn't everything. And cultural values and the expectations set upon you aren't everything. This is harsh but all of that means absolutely nothing if you end up in a hospital or worse. If you have a job, you should be able to atleast stay with a friend or find a spot with roommates. You probably won't do it but you should really think of the potential consequences of moving out vs. the potential consequences of your dad continuing to trigger suicidal and self harm thoughts.

If you're going to stay at home, you should see a therapist. (if you dont already) The stuff your thinking about is serious.
 
shoyru said:
I used to go to the therapist when I was living on my own, and it worked wonders. I'm just gonna go back to doing that now that I'm back home.
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you need to.resolve with ur dad. either the good way or bad way. bottom line us you need to learn to deal with it. u think its easy for ur parents too? but seek help from local communities or shelter. is ur dad ur real bilogical father?
 
shoyru said:
I've learned to just deal with it and I learned how to be stronger and more independent anyways. I'm still trying to look at the positives for it.

And yes he's my biological dad.
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Youll be fine. Keep talking to people and get insights.
 
gotJz said:
You're good man. Don't sweat it too much. And girls usually have it easier than guys in regards to that financial stability. So don't trip out on that much either. A girl can marry or simply be hired due to lost and have a really good financial situation. (Not to say that girls don't earn anything off of merit because that's totally false) Also, sometimes it APPEARS people are doing really well, but that's not the case. But you should be happy for her. Just have that confidence about you. If ish is messed up right now, just take it as if the team you're playing is going on a crazy run. Don't get down to the point that you don't even come out for the next quarter. Have that faith in your game. Couple stops and a lil run for yourself and you're right back in the game. You never know, if she's doing that well chop it up with her. Maybe she can put you onto something. Life is all about information and what you do with it, and how. Stay up homie.
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You're right breh. I think actually getting a legit amount of sleep has helped with my rationality towards the whole thing now :lol:. I just gotta keep where I'm going in life in mind, opposed to where I'm currently at on that journey.

Oh, && I haven't forgot about the unfinished conquests either, my dude :lol:. Just got the job last week, so I'll be in your area heavy in the coming months working UMD football games && all that...we gotta flourish. :pimp:
 
Toretto said:
You're right breh. I think actually getting a legit amount of sleep has helped with my rationality towards the whole thing now :lol:. I just gotta keep where I'm going in life in mind, opposed to where I'm currently at on that journey.

Oh, && I haven't forgot about the unfinished conquests either, my dude :lol:. Just got the job last week, so I'll be in your area heavy in the coming months working UMD football games && all that...we gotta flourish. :pimp:
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My man. We're in there :pimp:. Congrats on the job too!
 
gotJz said:
Same here bro. Every single damn day.
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mean.gif

Bonez7 said:
How old.are you two?
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im 24
 
AO Two said:
I've fallen for someone who's thousands of miles away. We talked on the phone and texted on a daily basis, and just today, we've pretty much came to an agreement that it won't work out between the two of us, but It's been making me feel, :\ all day...
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Update to this...tried to make it happen, but nope. it's done for good now. Didn't like the way it ended, but It's kind of refreshing in a way.
 
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Ugh I am drunk. Few peeps and I were out and talking about our oneitis's. Got that urge to make a phone call but I am standing strong. One just posted some 1 year anny **** yesterday which made me feel like chit and the other is about 1k miles away. Just want to hear their voice bros. **** feelings, forever alone |I

Andretti said:
Doing MUCH better than me :smh:
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Dem feels brah, I haven't been able to carry a relationship which a chick since probably 2009. Part of what makes summer nice. I have lost myself over the last year and a half no joke. Sometimes feel the only thing keeping me going is the few things in life I enjoy and the basic instinct to live.
 
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Lmao, I failed that drinking test. Hit those up and a few others. Text though, the smart way to drunk converse.
 
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Mark Antony said:
Lmao, I failed that drinking test. Hit those up and a few others. Text though, the smart way to drunk converse.
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Haven't had this urge in months. I guess some things are better left alone, resparking even a conversation with these women leads to heartbreak sometimes :smh: I can't even text, they know me too well and will call me on it in the morning and I will be left here feeling like an idiot.
 
I did it because there's no more heartbreak scenario. One didn't take kindly to it, but oh well y'know? If a silly drunk text bugs you after I spent all day at work being serious maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree if you can't understand .
 
I might be an alcoholic. I drink at least two pounders a night, most nights more, but some nights ( I make sure at least one day a week) I don't drink at all. However, I'm still up at 7, either working or workingout. Managed three jobs while in school full time...where I'm at, people drink, it's a culture, but my family from other places are always like 'you better be careful' "you don't know until you know" and I think thats just it, no one knows exactly where that line is, but I told myself, if it starts effecting my job/school performance than I'll stop...idk...idk what being an "alcoholic" means.
 
am1x90xnike said:
I might be an alcoholic. I drink at least two pounders a night, most nights more, but some nights ( I make sure at least one day a week) I don't drink at all. However, I'm still up at 7, either working or workingout. Managed three jobs while in school full time...where I'm at, people drink, it's a culture, but my family from other places are always like 'you better be careful' "you don't know until you know" and I think thats just it, no one knows exactly where that line is, but I told myself, if it starts effecting my job/school performance than I'll stop...idk...idk what being an "alcoholic" means.
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Why not just stop now?

Drink one day a week instead of NOT drinking one day a week. You'll feel a lot better, physically.
 
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