- 6,996
- 127
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2004
Florida State NCAA Football Eligibility Exam
(can be taken online)
Name:
Location:
Alibi Contact Information:
Short answer:
1) Do you have NCAA eligibility left? (If unsure, reply "yes".)
2) Please fill in your measurements here. (Genitalia size is unnecessary; you'll be a college football player, where it won't matter anymore.)
3) How fast can you run 40 yards? (Yes, all at one time.)
4) What is your primary position? ("On the couch" is not a football position. Also, no one thinks your ability to list the contents of the Kama Sutrais impressive.)
5) Do you understand that "Rudy" was just a movie and most of that was made up? If not, do you at least understand that being a hobbit is not abenefit to your football career?
6) Can you identify Bobby Bowden's sons by sight? If so, do you know how to keep them away from the playcalling headset?
7) Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to Bobby Bowden when he forgets to breathe?
Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to a co-ed that didn't?
9) In one paragraph, write about how you are smarter than every college football coach out there (except Coach Bowden) and how you proved it while watching agame one Saturday in 2003.
10) Briefly describe the injury to your knee/shoulder/back that kept you from competing beyond high school football and joining the NFL. If you are over 35, itis expected you will mention how this injury helps you push your male children beyond the breaking point so they "learn how to compete like I did."
Multiple choice:
11) What is your major?
(can be taken online)
Name:
Location:
Alibi Contact Information:
Short answer:
1) Do you have NCAA eligibility left? (If unsure, reply "yes".)
2) Please fill in your measurements here. (Genitalia size is unnecessary; you'll be a college football player, where it won't matter anymore.)
3) How fast can you run 40 yards? (Yes, all at one time.)
4) What is your primary position? ("On the couch" is not a football position. Also, no one thinks your ability to list the contents of the Kama Sutrais impressive.)
5) Do you understand that "Rudy" was just a movie and most of that was made up? If not, do you at least understand that being a hobbit is not abenefit to your football career?
6) Can you identify Bobby Bowden's sons by sight? If so, do you know how to keep them away from the playcalling headset?
7) Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to Bobby Bowden when he forgets to breathe?
9) In one paragraph, write about how you are smarter than every college football coach out there (except Coach Bowden) and how you proved it while watching agame one Saturday in 2003.
10) Briefly describe the injury to your knee/shoulder/back that kept you from competing beyond high school football and joining the NFL. If you are over 35, itis expected you will mention how this injury helps you push your male children beyond the breaking point so they "learn how to compete like I did."
Multiple choice:
11) What is your major?
a) kinesiology
b) sports management
c) physical education
d) Nelson
12) When someone mentions Tim Tebow, do you...
a) whimper?
b) growl?
c) convert?
d) shrug 'cause that ain't got nothin' to do with my NFL career?
13) What happens when someone offers you cash to "help with expenses, like food and books and a 2006 Lincoln Navigator"?
a) Take the money from the nice old man.
b) Turn it down indignantly.
c) Request the money be laundered through a job as a night watchman at the Florida State Cultural Center (clearly a fake organization)
d) Ask the person offering if they are Josh Peter. (Proof: make him write Yahoo without the exclamation point; employees can't resist their orientation shock training and will write the ! just as sure as Roger Rabbit will add his two bits to "shave and a haircut".)
14) Where the white women at?
a) Holla!
b) Boca Raton
c) Heavens, how crude!
d) Are they at the Rays game with Will Carroll?
15) If you are caught cheating, what will your cover story be?
a) This chain of facts about 19th century Russian literature on my arm are gang tattoos - straight Zhivago, Holmes.
b) The 'academic tutor' was not giving me the answers - it was the ancient Seminole god of essay writing, Madeupto.
c) "Classes"?
d) Ow, I hurt my thing; I can't play anymore. May I please have cash now for going quietly?
16) What's the curfew? When should you be in bed asleep?
a) 9 pm
b) midnight
c) ha ha; funny
d) kickoff against Clemson
17) Can you pass a drug test?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Will an academic tutor be available to assist me?
d) Only if Major League Baseball is administering it.
1What will you do if invited to Nashville for the Music City Bowl?
a) Try to meet the famous math professor that founded the town.
b) Wear my jersey to every bar I can find before the game.
c) Study; I have four months of classes to catch up on. When is the Music City Bowl History test?
d) I can provide a list of seven strip clubs within 10 blocks of the team hotel upon request.
19) How will Florida State deal with the NCAA penalties if you are found ineligible?
a) sober reflection
b) self-reporting and penalties to ward off the NCAA bogeyman
c) make it snow, Miami-style
d) Bobby Bowden considers every flight of stairs a potential death penalty already
20) Do you have the will to win?
a) Yes.
b) YES.
c) #### YES!!!!!!!
d) Do I get a second fleece if we win?
Essay:
Describe in great detail the recruiting visit you theoretically received from Bobby Bowden that encouraged you to attend Florida State. It is required to callhim "animated", "colorful", and "persuasive". You will be disqualified if you mention gifts, promises of playing time, or how hetrailed off mid-sentence and stared into space for fifteen minutes before his "recruiting assistant" wiped the drool from his face and declared thevisit over while rolling him out of your home.
Answers:
If you looked here first, you pass. If you waited until the end, why don't you try an NAIA school? I'm sure they won't mind an honest player ortwo.
