Tips on dealing with social awkwardness/anxiety?

[Trillmatic90]

Great exercise I did a few years back to help me with my social anxiety.....

Let's face it, we are all superficial to some degree. Probably moreso as NTers on a shoe forum. So when we think of social success, we think of striking up conversations with very attractive women, having sex with 8s, 9s, or 10s. Making out with a white girl. Etc etc.........

So naturally, if we are not socializing with attractive women, we think we failed. So what happens is we go out, and ignore everyone, and instead, focus on obsess over women only, and then, when we see an attractive women, and put her on this pedastal, with an incredible amount of pressure, and just come out as awkward, back out of it, or just give up. We go home feeling terrible.

What changed for me is forgetting about my old idea of success, about the concept of socializing with attractive people only....and just started socializing with EVERYONE. Not just the opposite sex you find attractive. I'm talking men, women, old people, kids, everyone. When I did that, I opened up to a lot of people, just saying hello, or walking past someone and smiling at someone, and that person smiling back, even if its a dude  , just that "whats up, im having a good day and I hope you are too" grin on your face and projecting it on everyone, I swear it makes everyone around you feel a little better about themselves, and it will make you feel a lot better about yourself too. 

Start off with easy targets in every day scenarios:

1) The cashier at the Grocery

2) The Barista at Starbucks

3) The receptionist at the front desk of your office building

4) People walking to their classes in between your classes in college

Just say "Hi" and smile to one of the random people above, if they are not that busy, compliment them on something very light hearted (non sexual,) and most importantly, SMILE when you do it. It's important too, that you have the mindset of not expecting anything in return from them, (so you don't come off as creepy.) you did it because you wanted to. 

Started doing that and soon you will see most of the time people reciprocate it positively. They will usually smile back, or appreciate your kind gesture, however small it is. Do all of this without any sexual expectations. If you are doing it to women, just do it with the intention of just being positive. Even if you don't look like Brad Pitt or Trey Songz, people, men, women, children, kids, and senior citizens, (NOT JUST FEMALES YOU WANT TO SLAY)  will think you are charming. 

NATURALLY,.....

the above positive attitude will just flow to all other facets of life......including the opposite sex You will no longer approach women with expectations and anxiety. You won't put them on a pedastal and therefore you won't burden yourself with the feeling of FAILURE if say, a women rejects your sexual advances. 

Good advice. Would you say your overall level of anxiety has decreased?

 

[bxbadboy90]

Glad I came across this thread. Although I wouldnt say im shy I tend to avoid situations where I interact with people unless I have to. I have friends, I am known at my college and are good with the ladies but people always tell me that I am "shy" when they first meet me. They say they can tell because I am usually the quietest when I am with my peers in public. Im not an unattractive guy but I feel like girls are intimidated to approach me because I may give off a vibe that I do not want to be bothered/ around people..For instance at parties I would see a female I know, give her a hug, say hi and keep it moving. I realized this when I would be at BBQs, parties and gatherings and all my friends would be engaged in conversations while im just sitting/standing there. Thats when I take my phone out and text, etc. I've been trying to work on it but at times I dont know what to talk to strangers about. Even in class, I had a girl ask me why I am so quiet and why I hardly participate in class. I would know the answer to a question and would rather sit there and tell the person next to me than to say it out loud in class. At the same time I have never been afraid to give speeches to my peers in class if I prepare myself or speaking about a topic of my interest..I believe this can be hereditary as my mother is the same way. My dad on the other hand is totally extroverted. He can go to the supermarket, dealership,etc and hold a conversation with strangers on just about anything. It seems like Im more like my mother when it comes to social interactions.

 

[nineteen92]

lowkey > life of the party

not fapping has decreased my overall anxiety and nervous feelings. staring people dead in the eyes while talking to them now. random conversations I would have never had.

stop touching your peen, b.

Bolded for emphasis. You don't need to be the life of the party, that'll just draw more possibly unwanted attention to you. Just have fun and be yourself, OP. Some small talk and chit chat might not be needed, but eye contact really helps.
And at

Stop touching your peen, b.

 

[jumpmanpro97]

Glad I came across this thread. Although I wouldnt say im shy I tend to avoid situations where I interact with people unless I have to. I have friends, I am known at my college and are good with the ladies but people always tell me that I am "shy" when they first meet me. They say they can tell because I am usually the quietest when I am with my peers in public. Im not an unattractive guy but I feel like girls are intimidated to approach me because I may give off a vibe that I do not want to be bothered/ around people..For instance at parties I would see a female I know, give her a hug, say hi and keep it moving. I realized this when I would be at BBQs, parties and gatherings and all my friends would be engaged in conversations while im just sitting/standing there. Thats when I take my phone out and text, etc. I've been trying to work on it but at times I dont know what to talk to strangers about. Even in class, I had a girl ask me why I am so quiet and why I hardly participate in class. I would know the answer to a question and would rather sit there and tell the person next to me than to say it out loud in class. At the same time I have never been afraid to give speeches to my peers in class if I prepare myself or speaking about a topic of my interest..I believe this can be hereditary as my mother is the same way. My dad on the other hand is totally extroverted. He can go to the supermarket, dealership,etc and hold a conversation with strangers on just about anything. It seems like Im more like my mother when it comes to social interactions.

don't label yourself "shy". Shy and introverted are two different things. Definition of shy is be uncomfortable and nervous about meeting and talking to people. Growing up I was labelled as shy by my parents. But I was never nervous or uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people. I like meeting and talking to people but i just didn't know what to talk about. That's when the awkwardness sets in. You said you've never been afraid to give speeches in class if you prepare yourself about the topic your speaking about right?

Same things goes for social interaction. Pretty much just listen to what the other people are talking about and try to add your 2 cents in. Or ask questions, that's the best way to start a convo with anyone.

 

[mangudai954]

don't label yourself "shy". Shy and introverted are two different things. Definition of shy is be uncomfortable and nervous about meeting and talking to people. Growing up I was labelled as shy by my parents. But I was never nervous or uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people. I like meeting and talking to people but i just didn't know what to talk about. That's when the awkwardness sets in. You said you've never been afraid to give speeches in class if you prepare yourself about the topic your speaking about right?

This.

 

[rejimen]

Question for the introverts:

What gets you open in social gatherings? Besides alcohol!

Like most of you all I don't usually speak unless I'm spoken to either. I have a hard time answering questions or speaking without first thinking for a moment of the most genuine response. I have to sit and weigh my options of what to say and where the consequences of those words might lead the convo or any possible action. By that time I'm alone again

Sure I think too much, but how much am I really hurting myself bc of that?

When I do try to spark up convo in chill social gatherings I tend to choose thoughts that stem from my introverted ways of thinking. Like really passionate ish! You know that subconscious part of the brain that no one really ever seems to explore besides you. Sure alot of people are smart as far as politics, materialistic and overall worldly things and that's all I ever hear when I do hear ppl talk. But alot of people I feel don't really take the time to imagine life without all the distractions we're bombarded with on a daily basis. These are the things that I love to speak on, but then I always get hit with or "that's deep" or "idk" when I try and express myself.

I'm more of the extrovert through my actions. I can honestly say my actions do the speaking for me 90% of the time which is fine with me. This is when I blossom and express myself sincerely.
For me it's usually anything natural like seeing someone doing something that looks interesting that I've never seen or something that I want to learn about and then try doing myself.
For example when I'm doing artwork or playing basketball or skating with random ppl I'm always trying to figure how this and why that bc theres always so much to learn and room to progress. I feel anxious to talk to people at times like this.

I'm just wondering why is it so hard to relate my physical communication to my verbal communication. Why does my communication depend on the setting I'm in. That's really disturbing to me


Just me or can anyone relate?...

 

[lordofcastamere]

Question for the introverts:

What gets you open in social gatherings? Besides alcohol!

Like most of you all I don't usually speak unless I'm spoken to either. I have a hard time answering questions or speaking without first thinking for a moment of the most genuine response. I have to sit and weigh my options of what to say and where the consequences of those words might lead the convo or any possible action. By that time I'm alone again

Sure I think too much, but how much am I really hurting myself bc of that?

When I do try to spark up convo in chill social gatherings I tend to choose thoughts that stem from my introverted ways of thinking. Like really passionate ish! You know that subconscious part of the brain that no one really ever seems to explore besides you. Sure alot of people are smart as far as politics, materialistic and overall worldly things and that's all I ever hear when I do hear ppl talk. But alot of people I feel don't really take the time to imagine life without all the distractions we're bombarded with on a daily basis. These are the things that I love to speak on, but then I always get hit with

or "that's deep" or "idk" when I try and express myself.

I'm more of the extrovert through my actions. I can honestly say my actions do the speaking for me 90% of the time which is fine with me. This is when I blossom and express myself sincerely.
For me it's usually anything natural like seeing someone doing something that looks interesting that I've never seen or something that I want to learn about and then try doing myself.
For example when I'm doing artwork or playing basketball or skating with random ppl I'm always trying to figure how this and why that bc theres always so much to learn and room to progress. I feel anxious to talk to people at times like this.

I'm just wondering why is it so hard to relate my physical communication to my verbal communication. Why does my communication depend on the setting I'm in. That's really disturbing to me

Just me or can anyone relate?...

Introversion (true introversion) has nothing to do with being able to be open in public place or even being able to handle yourself in social situations. There are extroverts who are socially awkward and need alcohol to get going. There are many introverts in history who are considered, charming, charismatic and great leaders. Introversion simply means you rather be alone most of the time, and you get most of your positive energy being away from people.

 

[girlslovewaffles]

I find that introverts are also much more elitist than extroverts.

 

[rejimen]

^^
I see.

I have no problem being myself in social situations, don't get me wrong. I can "fit in" by conversing on the topics at hand, but I'm usually the fly on the wall most of the time because the topics are not interesting enough to chime in and/or I'm thinking to myself. It's that initial conversation, or starting the thread in a sense, that haunts me when I find noone or nothing in common to speak on. If I were to start the convo the only thing I know to talk about is something really "boring" or "too deep" according to others, which is the same way I feel about their conversation. Then again, when I'm confronted with a mental or physical challenge I have this sudden burst of energy and want to talk all night.

To sum this up:
Communication is hard for me because it's a two way street, but all I Care to speak about are my general interests or helping someone understand something or better themselves when I can. When these aren't the predicative topics then I feel I'm talking about something which is boring to me, thus I'm forcing conversation. Me wasting my breath is neither fair to me nor you. I hate talking about sports, I hate talking about celebrities, I'm not interested in the new car you're trying to spend all your money on, or the yambs you ate last night like every day is Thanksgiving, etc, etc....
I Hate Talking About Things With No Substance!

I'm not trying to make a big deal about this, in essence I'm really studying myself and how being the introverted type affects me positively and negatively in social settings and seeking necessary changes in the end.

 

[Naruto]

Great exercise I did a few years back to help me with my social anxiety.....

Let's face it, we are all superficial to some degree. Probably moreso as NTers on a shoe forum. So when we think of social success, we think of striking up conversations with very attractive women, having sex with 8s, 9s, or 10s. Making out with a white girl. Etc etc.........

So naturally, if we are not socializing with attractive women, we think we failed. So what happens is we go out, and ignore everyone, and instead, focus on obsess over women only, and then, when we see an attractive women, and put her on this pedastal, with an incredible amount of pressure, and just come out as awkward, back out of it, or just give up. We go home feeling terrible.

What changed for me is forgetting about my old idea of success, about the concept of socializing with attractive people only....and just started socializing with EVERYONE. Not just the opposite sex you find attractive. I'm talking men, women, old people, kids, everyone. When I did that, I opened up to a lot of people, just saying hello, or walking past someone and smiling at someone, and that person smiling back, even if its a dude  , just that "whats up, im having a good day and I hope you are too" grin on your face and projecting it on everyone, I swear it makes everyone around you feel a little better about themselves, and it will make you feel a lot better about yourself too. 

Start off with easy targets in every day scenarios:

1) The cashier at the Grocery

2) The Barista at Starbucks

3) The receptionist at the front desk of your office building

4) People walking to their classes in between your classes in college

Just say "Hi" and smile to one of the random people above, if they are not that busy, compliment them on something very light hearted (non sexual,) and most importantly, SMILE when you do it. It's important too, that you have the mindset of not expecting anything in return from them, (so you don't come off as creepy.) you did it because you wanted to. 

Started doing that and soon you will see most of the time people reciprocate it positively. They will usually smile back, or appreciate your kind gesture, however small it is. Do all of this without any sexual expectations. If you are doing it to women, just do it with the intention of just being positive. Even if you don't look like Brad Pitt or Trey Songz, people, men, women, children, kids, and senior citizens, (NOT JUST FEMALES YOU WANT TO SLAY)  will think you are charming. 

NATURALLY,.....

the above positive attitude will just flow to all other facets of life......including the opposite sex You will no longer approach women with expectations and anxiety. You won't put them on a pedastal and therefore you won't burden yourself with the feeling of FAILURE if say, a women rejects your sexual advances. 

dunno when but I just decided at a time to just talk to more people whether they attract me or not just for the hell of it and definite found myself developing my social skills. That positive attitude with no expectations is really helpful and has gotten me better reactions than if I were to not have that.

I am an introvert and dont mind it at all. I like being alone when going about my business.

 

[jumpmanpro97]

I find that introverts are also much more elitist than extroverts.

really? I think extroverts seem more elitist. I've gotten the "I thought you were snobby." before I really got to know you. It's not that introverts don't want to talk to you, its they don't know what to say. We need to think about it first.

@ReJImen - I also hate small nonsense talk, but it's really needed if you want to be "sociable". Not everyone wants "what's the meaning of life" convo they want the current events small talk.

 

[jumpmanpro97]

^^
I see.

I have no problem being myself in social situations, don't get me wrong. I can "fit in" by conversing on the topics at hand, but I'm usually the fly on the wall most of the time because the topics are not interesting enough to chime in and/or I'm thinking to myself. It's that initial conversation, or starting the thread in a sense, that haunts me when I find noone or nothing in common to speak on. If I were to start the convo the only thing I know to talk about is something really "boring" or "too deep" according to others, which is the same way I feel about their conversation. Then again, when I'm confronted with a mental or physical challenge I have this sudden burst of energy and want to talk all night.

To sum this up:
Communication is hard for me because it's a two way street, but all I Care to speak about are my general interests or helping someone understand something or better themselves when I can. When these aren't the predicative topics then I feel I'm talking about something which is boring to me, thus I'm forcing conversation. Me wasting my breath is neither fair to me nor you. I hate talking about sports, I hate talking about celebrities, I'm not interested in the new car you're trying to spend all your money on, or the yambs you ate last night like every day is Thanksgiving, etc, etc....
I Hate Talking About Things With No Substance!

I'm not trying to make a big deal about this, in essence I'm really studying myself and how being the introverted type affects me positively and negatively in social settings and seeking necessary changes in the end.

you should check this book out QUIET by susan cain

 

[girlslovewaffles]

I find that introverts are also much more elitist than extroverts.

really? I think extroverts seem more elitist. I've gotten the "I thought you were snobby." before I really got to know you. It's not that introverts don't want to talk to you, its they don't know what to say. We need to think about it first.

@ReJImen - I also hate small nonsense talk, but it's really needed if you want to be "sociable". Not everyone wants "what's the meaning of life" convo they want the current events small talk.

Absolutely they are elitist.

It's in their nature.

 

[hugheyfreeman]

Absolutely they are elitist.

It's in their nature.

Please do explain my good sir . This should be interesting to say the LEAST.

 

[girlslovewaffles]

Absolutely they are elitist.

It's in their nature.

Please do explain my good sir . This should be interesting to say the LEAST.

I don't need to explain. Just read through this thread and you'll see what I mean.

 

[peteweezy]

Absolutely they are elitist.

It's in their nature.

Please do explain my good sir . This should be interesting to say the LEAST.

I don't need to explain. Just read through this thread and you'll see what I mean.

I understand exactly what your getting at and you can see it on some of theist on this page. It's not necessarily a knock cause hell people have said the same of me but I'm honest enough to see how I act at times can be taken that way towards people I don't know.

 

[Coromanti]

 

i'm a born introvert with social skills. the kid in the sandbox who used to fall back and observe, but i have no problem small talking or being social. i'd just rather not be social outside of my circle on most days.

parties and clubs are extrovert circuses. i'm too in my own zone (esp. when lit) to enjoy that kind of environment more than once a month. i thought something was wrong with me as a teen but i realized there's different strokes for different folks. i can't be like everyone else no matter how hard i try. the way to fulfill your potential as a human being is to accept who you are by nature, and be the best you possible.

the best relationship you need to have is with yourself. know yourself inside and out. most extroverts i've known has had poor knowledge of self and it always showed in their shoddy personalities. they usually thrive on outside validation/support, whereas we find that within.

introversion is not an illness, it's a gift you gotta moderate. you have to know when to be assertive and speak up, then when it's time to be alone and introverted. focus on achieving that balance and you'll be proud to be an introvert, not ashamed like some posters in here are pushing you to be.

Quality post

QFT, QFE

 

[Coromanti]

^^
I see.

I have no problem being myself in social situations, don't get me wrong. I can "fit in" by conversing on the topics at hand, but I'm usually the fly on the wall most of the time because the topics are not interesting enough to chime in and/or I'm thinking to myself. It's that initial conversation, or starting the thread in a sense, that haunts me when I find noone or nothing in common to speak on. If I were to start the convo the only thing I know to talk about is something really "boring" or "too deep" according to others, which is the same way I feel about their conversation. Then again, when I'm confronted with a mental or physical challenge I have this sudden burst of energy and want to talk all night.

To sum this up:
Communication is hard for me because it's a two way street, but all I Care to speak about are my general interests or helping someone understand something or better themselves when I can. When these aren't the predicative topics then I feel I'm talking about something which is boring to me, thus I'm forcing conversation. Me wasting my breath is neither fair to me nor you. I hate talking about sports, I hate talking about celebrities, I'm not interested in the new car you're trying to spend all your money on, or the yambs you ate last night like every day is Thanksgiving, etc, etc....
I Hate Talking About Things With No Substance!

I'm not trying to make a big deal about this, in essence I'm really studying myself and how being the introverted type affects me positively and negatively in social settings and seeking necessary changes in the end.

Me to a 'T'

The perfect expression of how I feel about small talk.

 

[secretzofwar]

^ what do you talk about then?

Truthfully, most people simply revert to these topics because they are comfortable and relatively accessible to everyone.

If you want to talk about something, just bring it up. If you want to make the other person super comfortable, ask them about what they love, and keep prying. Eventually they'll open up and think you're great.

I was one of the shyest kids you can imagine, but once I realized that it simply doesn't matter, I just started talking to people honestly about whatever topics and became much happier.

 

[flyntflossy]

Took a few personality test for fun and I can be slightly introverted or slightly extroverted depending on my mood or the people I'm with

Things I usually talk about are funny stories people can relate to, things I like, things I hate, random stuff that happened recently and things we both have in common. if I'm talking to someone I can talk I usually chill if I don't know anyone ill strike a convo if I wanted to though

 

[rejimen]

^ what do you talk about then?

Truthfully, most people simply revert to these topics because they are comfortable and relatively accessible to everyone.

If you want to talk about something, just bring it up. If you want to make the other person super comfortable, ask them about what they love, and keep prying. Eventually they'll open up and think you're great.

I was one of the shyest kids you can imagine, but once I realized that it simply doesn't matter, I just started talking to people honestly about whatever topics and became much happier.

Anything that will benefit you and/or I! You said it best..."If you want to talk about something, just bring it up. If you want to make the other person super comfortable, ask them about what they love, and keep prying. Eventually they'll open up and think you're great."

Communication with an intro, from my knowledge, will always lead to something greater such as inspiration, wisdom, understanding, appreciation, etc....while stale communication is how most people commonly converse. Hints the words, "most people" which are the same people who are just living and not pursuing a purposeful life. They are easily influenced and quick to follow trends or believe anything they hear and not think to question it, imo.

The bigger picture is always the way in which we perceive the world, but it's the meticulous detail to the smaller things that shape this view for us. If the smaller things don't amount to anything, then how do you reciprocate foward progression? Puzzle pieces for example are our type of conversation. They have a specific duty to open the door for an ultimate picture. Whether we realize the bigger picture at that moment or not, the little input that we do decide to open up with still serves its' duty.

 

[rejimen]

@JumpmanPro97 Preciate the recommendation. Ill check it out tonight

 

[301216baller]

I was listening to this video and  I thought of this thread its not a diss at all..its just something to think about

 

[njcollector]

bad spot to ask.


I've noticed most people who actually go on forums, have some form of social anxiety, hence they use the forum as a form of social interaction; other than social networking websites.



As someone who has social anxiety, the only real solution is to put yourself out there, aka, go out and meet people or put yourself in a position to see new faces.






The single best thing i always think about is, do you remember an awkward thing that a person in class/subway/etc did? No, you'll have to stop and think about it and then maybe pin point that moment; was what she/he did become a conversation topic? No. Every single person, is living their own life, youre an actor in their movie. They're the main star, and that is how it is to you; you believe every thing you do affects the other person, because you believe yourself to be the main attraction of the film, why wouldn't they remember that time i sneezed and snot came out? Or a little splash of water on my pants? In reality they won't, unless they're in your immediate circle.

Once you realize everyone is living their life regardless of whether you are in it or not with their own goals, family, friends, etc; it gives you a sense of liberty.

 

[Lovetohate3000]

 


I was listening to this video and  I thought of this thread its not a diss at all..its just something to think about

nice video....makes you think