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yeah, that´s right...we got a whole decade of 2020s ahead of us.
nah, but all jokes aside: as a person who has always taken pride in a high tolerance for uncertainty, 2020 is the first time I kinda felt myself sliding toward what I see depression described as.
more times than not, it´ll be fine...whatever...won´t matter in a year, **** it.
this time it might not be.
I´m not fine at all. I´m anxious. I´m pissed off. I´m hurt. I´m broke...well, I´m used to that I guess.
it wasn´t just, like, being sad that I couldn´t go see Funkadelic or catch a big game in a packed stadium this year...it was more like ¨I might not be doing those things for the foreseeable future.¨
I understand that depression is more typically characterized by being unable to draw pleasure from activities you typically enjoy, but what about when those activities are unavailable?
what about when they may be available, but they are also stupid?
you know, because of the deadly incurable disease that could leave your healthy, happy *** down half a lung.
the one you can probably catch twice, that one.
what about when you feel like the dummy for not ignoring it like everybody else?
I like cookouts and festivals and hotboxes and water parks too I HATE THIS HOUSE YOU ARE NOT MY REAL DAD, COVID
so yeah, all of that sucks all the time.
oh, and also I´m the only person in my family with even kind of a job.
oh, and there´s an ongoing economic crash that turned everybody I know into an Uber driver.
oh, and the President of the United States is actively fomenting white supremacist domestic terrorism.
oh, and millions of people stand to get kicked out of their homes at the end of the year.
oh, and I recently learned that many of the people that make up the world around me are ****ING LUNATICS WHO SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED.
oh, and my parents are getting older, less healthy, and way less insured.
oh, and
...to make a long ramble shorter: just when I thought I had all the answers, life changed the questions.
it took me a while to realize the grief I was carrying around was for the death of my old way of living.
...and that that was a fine thing to feel. a fine thing to sit with. a fine thing to process. a fine thing to let go.
pretty much worked through it for now--past ¨acceptance¨ and to ¨reimagining¨-- but I also get how that kind of thing can come in waves.
yeah tho, I assume a majority of people here aren´t having their best year either.
people are broke, angry, scared, and exhausted...Christmas might be canceled. tf type of ****??
so it´s my pet theory that everybody you know is at their absolute craziest in these times. including you.
men don´t really get to talk about their emotions...I´ve always been lucky enough to have something of an ¨acceptable¨ outlet for my emotions through writing, but I consider processing the way I feel about the things that transpire to be a form of maintenance.
they always tell folks to ¨man up¨ in difficult moments, but neglect the fact that men have used tools to accomplish all of their greatest works.
what tools will you use to perform the necessary maintenance and work through your new challenges?
do you speak openly about your feelings to people you trust?
would you be willing to see a professional for guidance?
have you acknowledged that you feel pain? acknowledged why?
do you?
tl;dr- pick up a book, it might help.
nah, but all jokes aside: as a person who has always taken pride in a high tolerance for uncertainty, 2020 is the first time I kinda felt myself sliding toward what I see depression described as.
more times than not, it´ll be fine...whatever...won´t matter in a year, **** it.
this time it might not be.
I´m not fine at all. I´m anxious. I´m pissed off. I´m hurt. I´m broke...well, I´m used to that I guess.
it wasn´t just, like, being sad that I couldn´t go see Funkadelic or catch a big game in a packed stadium this year...it was more like ¨I might not be doing those things for the foreseeable future.¨
I understand that depression is more typically characterized by being unable to draw pleasure from activities you typically enjoy, but what about when those activities are unavailable?
what about when they may be available, but they are also stupid?
you know, because of the deadly incurable disease that could leave your healthy, happy *** down half a lung.
the one you can probably catch twice, that one.
what about when you feel like the dummy for not ignoring it like everybody else?
I like cookouts and festivals and hotboxes and water parks too I HATE THIS HOUSE YOU ARE NOT MY REAL DAD, COVID
so yeah, all of that sucks all the time.
oh, and also I´m the only person in my family with even kind of a job.
oh, and there´s an ongoing economic crash that turned everybody I know into an Uber driver.
oh, and the President of the United States is actively fomenting white supremacist domestic terrorism.
oh, and millions of people stand to get kicked out of their homes at the end of the year.
oh, and I recently learned that many of the people that make up the world around me are ****ING LUNATICS WHO SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED.
oh, and my parents are getting older, less healthy, and way less insured.
oh, and
...to make a long ramble shorter: just when I thought I had all the answers, life changed the questions.
it took me a while to realize the grief I was carrying around was for the death of my old way of living.
...and that that was a fine thing to feel. a fine thing to sit with. a fine thing to process. a fine thing to let go.
pretty much worked through it for now--past ¨acceptance¨ and to ¨reimagining¨-- but I also get how that kind of thing can come in waves.
yeah tho, I assume a majority of people here aren´t having their best year either.
people are broke, angry, scared, and exhausted...Christmas might be canceled. tf type of ****??
so it´s my pet theory that everybody you know is at their absolute craziest in these times. including you.
men don´t really get to talk about their emotions...I´ve always been lucky enough to have something of an ¨acceptable¨ outlet for my emotions through writing, but I consider processing the way I feel about the things that transpire to be a form of maintenance.
they always tell folks to ¨man up¨ in difficult moments, but neglect the fact that men have used tools to accomplish all of their greatest works.
what tools will you use to perform the necessary maintenance and work through your new challenges?
do you speak openly about your feelings to people you trust?
would you be willing to see a professional for guidance?
have you acknowledged that you feel pain? acknowledged why?
do you?
tl;dr- pick up a book, it might help.
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) and are great for times that require deep concentration (i.e. work tasks) or blocking out noise (including white noise) that can interfere w/ introspection.
