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- Aug 12, 2008
http://undermyfitted.blog...com/2009/10/cut-101.html
"As I mentioned a few days ago, waiting is not my twist. Today put that to the test, as there were free sandwiches being given out at City Hall today in celebration of something. (I didn't know or give a %*%+ what it was...) Contemporary research tells us that anything free and desirable being given out in an urban area will cause an average wait of 17 minutes. This figure almost doubles if the items being given away are edible. Its a fact, I read it in a book...some science book. Anyway, generally if there's something that's free that folk actually want, there will be a wait for it. You either have to get with it or go away, right?
Nope...you never have to wait in that type of line again if you so choose. You can line jump as a grown person and nobody will notice enough to say anything. All you need is a nice smile (or just teeth that aren't all %@+!@% to hell...), somebody of the opposite sex who looks like they don't get much attention who happens to be near the front of the line, and a little charisma. Here, I will share my method. It's not foolproof, but if it works it can save you 20+ minutes. Please use responsibly, results may vary.
I went up to where the sandwiches were being distributed and scoped out the arrangement. There were 4 lines, each about 50 people long...and they were making the sandwiches induvidually like at Subway. (They didn't have the good sense to prepackage the things so they could hand them out quickly, or shoot them out of a t-shirt cannon, or stand on top of City Hall and rain them down on downtown Philly, or whatever the %*%+ they needed to do so ma****as ain't have to wait in line for a decade.) Needless to say, I woulda been standing in that $+%*+ for a very long time had I done it the sucker way. I decided I was gonna make my line shorter.
I looked at the folk in line to pick a target. Her? Na, too attractive. Her? Eww, Eagles shirt. Her? Na, she's with a dude...I'm not finna fight on a empty stomach. Her? Oooh...chubby, funny looking, thick glasses, kinda frumpy, a very lonely aura...and about the 15th in line. Just what I needed. Hello, Helen. (I don't know that girl's name so I gave her one...she looked like a Helen.) She was standing in front of a older white couple. When I walked up, Wife raised an eyebrow, Husband furrowed his brow.
I went over to her with big smile. "Hey!" I chirped (like I really meant it...some acting chops help here) "I haven't seen you in forever!" (It wasn't a lie...I hadn't seen her in forever...I'd never seen her before.) She looked confused for a couple seconds before a light of realization went off in her head. 'Trevor?' she asked...at this point I pretty much knew I was good dollars. She had 'recognized' me. 'Yeeeeeah...' I said slowly. I didn't know whether she was testing me or not. The answer was 'Not'. She took the bait...hook, line and sinker. 'OMG what's good!? You look so different!' she squealed. 'Uh...I been chillin, what's up with you?' I replied. The line moved forward...we were now maybe 9 people from the front.
'Oh, I've changed a lot since summer camp...' she said some more things, but I wasn't listening. I just watched the line get shorter. 7 people, 6 people. In the background, Helen droned on and on about the kids she had counseled in summer camp with this Trevor guy. He sounded like a prick to me. If I wasn't Trevor for the next 5 minutes, I don't think I woulda liked him. In the interest of maintaining my position, I smiled and nodded at the appropriate times, tossing in a surprised 'really?' every 4 responses just to keep up appearances.
At 3 people from the front, she asked me did I still play the guitar. I said yes. (It's true...I have a guitar app on my g1, I've played Guitar Hero recently, and I actually do plan to take it up with a real life instrument soon...I hadn't lied yet.) Her eyes lit up as she started to explain to me how I 'just HAD to come to the dorms and play for her' and 'how she had told all her friends about me'. The whole time I'm just doing my smile/nod bobblehead imitation, almost feelin bad about how well this was working...almost...all's fair in food and war.
We stepped up to the front of the line together, where the food slave (who was clearly on autopilot) absentmindedly made and handed us 2 sandwiches. I took mine, she took hers. He made no mention that I had more or less jumped in front of like 40 people...that was good enough for me...but not good enough for the couple behind me in line, who had seen me walk up and ride Helen to free food. 'He didn't wait in line!' Husband snitched indignantly. Of course, by the time he made the observation, I was 20 feet away, so there wasn't a whole lot of recourse. (That's an important note with this operation...don't panic if somebody spots you...that's a dead giveaway. Its their word against yours if nobody else says %#*#...)
I looked back and the food slave appeared to snap back to reality and see that he had been had...which he found more funny than anything. He shrugged and continued to manufacture sandwiches.
Husband turned red with anger, but realized there wasn't %#*# he could do. I started laughing, then Helen turned to me and asked for my number. The smile dropped from my face so fast it made a dent when it hit the ground. I looked around frantically, saw a truck across the street behind her, and gave her the number on the side. I then said I had to go back to work. (Again, not a lie...not for the next half an hour, but I DID have to go back...I couldn't go home yet.) Helen started to !%!* back to hug me, I hit a Dwight Howard pivot move and disappeared into the underground walkway, free sammich in hand. Mission accomplished. Goodbye, Helen.
There. I'm not guaranteeing its always (or ever) gonna work that smoothly, but its worth a try if you don't feel like waiting. Have fun, and happy cutting. Now, for those who say I'm wrong for doing what I did. Number one, you're probably a female, which means you've probably done something like that. 2, I was hungry...I was putting food in the mouth of somebody I care about. How can you fault me for that? And C...uh, %*%+ you lol..."
Good times
