Official Depression thread

[Mos718]

I have wasted my 30s (34) dwelling on lost connections so I feel you.

What do you mean by lost connections?

 

[rarenikepairs]

So recently i've been dealing with some heavy depression and idk if it's because of covid or just ish in general but i've lashed out on numerous people all but my roommate. I've gotten to the point i've wanted to shoot my brother, gotten to the point i've wanted to literally curse two women out for how foolish and stupid they were. Hell I've even wanted to go back and forth with my supervisor a few times. But every time now at night even when I moved out on my own i feel empty and as if I've let myself down constantly. I've been trying my hardest to get back into focusing on my career but it's like every time my depression and feelings get in the way. I've tried venting to a few people but they criticize me if anything so it's been difficult to get this off my chest.

Goin thru the sa.e **** here

So recently i've been dealing with some heavy depression and idk if it's because of covid or just ish in general but i've lashed out on numerous people all but my roommate. I've gotten to the point i've wanted to shoot my brother, gotten to the point i've wanted to literally curse two women out for how foolish and stupid they were. Hell I've even wanted to go back and forth with my supervisor a few times. But every time now at night even when I moved out on my own i feel empty and as if I've let myself down constantly. I've been trying my hardest to get back into focusing on my career but it's like every time my depression and feelings get in the way. I've tried venting to a few people but they criticize me if anything so it's been difficult to get this off my chest.

Goin turu the same **** man. Mines steams from a tramatic injury and i havent been right since

 

[getback]

So recently i've been dealing with some heavy depression and idk if it's because of covid or just ish in general but i've lashed out on numerous people all but my roommate. I've gotten to the point i've wanted to shoot my brother, gotten to the point i've wanted to literally curse two women out for how foolish and stupid they were. Hell I've even wanted to go back and forth with my supervisor a few times. But every time now at night even when I moved out on my own i feel empty and as if I've let myself down constantly. I've been trying my hardest to get back into focusing on my career but it's like every time my depression and feelings get in the way. I've tried venting to a few people but they criticize me if anything so it's been difficult to get this off my chest.

Could be COVID and the general climate of the country right now. I've felt some of it too. Had to completely unplug from news media to give my mind some peace because my anxiety was starting to fester from all the negativity. Then anxiety inevitably becomes depression.

I've personally never tried it, but there are free services out there for you to call and vent and talk about your issues without judgment. You might be able to convey your feelings better to a live, anonymous person.

 

[Hunnynutcheerios]

I feel all yall going through this. I've been dealing with depression since i was a young teen. I grew up in a very latino household where they thought going to speak to someone was crazy so i never properly got the care i needed. I was taught to keep things to myself and never talk about my feelings which has been the hardest thing for me. I'm moody and emotions are a roller coaster. As a teenager i used to cut to feel better. I grew out of it but trust me when **** gets rough the urge is always there. Two years ago someone very special to me passed away and that has definitely taken its toll on me. I have been saying im going to speak to someone. I dont necessarily want medicine but maybe talking will help. Has anyone had any experience with speaking to a therapist?

 

[megagraphitti]

I've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.

 

[aircommandermarsfiend]

Broke up with my girl of eight years. Ended up sleeping with some girl I knew for awhile. Made me feel worse. Just been listening to music and missing my kids. I feel like ish. This sucks smh

 

[Liquid Swords]

FWIW I still fight anxiety and depression
I started seeing a therapist about a year ago and it has helped me tremendously. I felt the worst inside and nearly no coping method worked until I sat with my psychologist. It took every muscle fiber to get myself to imitate the call.
I really hope you guys can encounter the same beginning steps as I did. For real. My life is slowly getting to where I would like it to be.
We can get thru this. We got this.

 

[likeaboss2]

I've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.

Have you considered trying to change your ways?

 

[getback]

I've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.

Just curious as to why you consider yourself a bad person?

 

[megagraphitti]

Have you considered trying to change your ways?

Some of my ways, yes. In regard to the others, I feel that I'm at the point of no return. It's not as if I have plans to live a long chronological life. At 28 years of age, I have the maturity of a 16 year old accompanied by the bitterness of an angry 80 year old. I'm approaching the end of my life, and will be dead by my mid-late thirties. Even if I provided a maximal effort in changing who I am, why bother when I'll be dead in less than a decade? I have one goal left to accomplish in life then it's time to roll credits. I should've died at 26, but I botched my suicide attempt. By my mid-late thirties, I will have built the courage for another attempt and hopefully completed the aforementioned goal.

Just curious as to why you consider yourself a bad person?

I'll try to be as succinct as possible. I have a few good qualities, but I'm arrogant, selfish, narcissistic and unappreciative. I mistreat people who more often than not are undeserving of it, including former friends and family members and I wish horrible things upon these same people. I'm not going to derail this thread by going into great depth about former friends I've turned my back on, women that I've mistreated nor hoping that X person gets cancer or dies in a car accident, etc.

 

[wayniac211]

I've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.

No ones undeserving of love my friend. Sadness is temporary and you do have the power to change it

 

[likeaboss2]

megagraphitti seems like you are extremely self-aware which suprisingly many people aren’t. Even if you have several skeletons in your closet so-to-speak, you can put that in the past and start working towards something positive, even if it feels like a hopeless endeavor or that its too late.

 

[willypete]

Some of my ways, yes. In regard to the others, I feel that I'm at the point of no return. It's not as if I have plans to live a long chronological life. At 28 years of age, I have the maturity of a 16 year old accompanied by the bitterness of an angry 80 year old. I'm approaching the end of my life, and will be dead by my mid-late thirties. Even if I provided a maximal effort in changing who I am, why bother when I'll be dead in less than a decade? I have one goal left to accomplish in life then it's time to roll credits. I should've died at 26, but I botched my suicide attempt. By my mid-late thirties, I will have built the courage for another attempt and hopefully completed the aforementioned goal.



I'll try to be as succinct as possible. I have a few good qualities, but I'm arrogant, selfish, narcissistic and unappreciative. I mistreat people who more often than not are undeserving of it, including former friends and family members and I wish horrible things upon these same people. I'm not going to derail this thread by going into great depth about former friends I've turned my back on, women that I've mistreated nor hoping that X person gets cancer or dies in a car accident, etc.

As crazy as it is I actually relate to a lot of this and more.

Not only have I been dealing with extreme depression but I also have abandonment issues and have been lonely for a long time. I’ve been trying to use alcohol and weed to cope but it’s definitely been making me more emotional at times. Lost my grandmother in 2013 and haven’t really been the same since. Don’t even believe I can be in a meaningful relationship because I’m such damaged goods. I’ve had a few run ins with being suicidal in the past decade but I’ve been having more and more suicidal thoughts recently. Luckily we don’t keep any firearms in the house.

Just needed to get things off my chest and out my mind. Don’t really have anyone to vent to without judgement so I figure why not here.

 

[marikomorose]

As crazy as it is I actually relate to a lot of this and more.

Not only have I been dealing with extreme depression but I also have abandonment issues and have been lonely for a long time. I’ve been trying to use alcohol and weed to cope but it’s definitely been making me more emotional at times. Lost my grandmother in 2013 and haven’t really been the same since. Don’t even believe I can be in a meaningful relationship because I’m such damaged goods. I’ve had a few run ins with being suicidal in the past decade but I’ve been having more and more suicidal thoughts recently. Luckily we don’t keep any firearms in the house.

Just needed to get things off my chest and out my mind. Don’t really have anyone to vent to without judgement so I figure why not here.

Can u link your depression to specific thing that triggered it by chance? megagraphitti I'm asking you this as well. Had an old friend off him/herself (trans), and I wished what that person brought up what was going on up in the brain.

 

[アミーゴ]

willypete we just spoke this week and have a call scheduled tomorrow - please don’t correspond with the person that posted above

 

[ajiiiplatinum]

Focus on the future not on the past.
Let your past be a springboard not an anchor.
Life changes from week to week month to month year to year decade to decade so you will have deep valleys and high peaks...that’s life.
Just like your heartrate monitor life has ups and downs.
I recommend reading the Bible. I recommend psalms and John. Try it...you have nothing to lose.
We are a spirit not just a physical body. We feed our physical body but what about our spirit? Only God’s word can feed us.
Matthew 4:4, Jesus says “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.”

Both the poor and rich will feel empty when we try to satisfy ourselves with only physical things.

Ecclesiastis 1:12 I the Preacher have been king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 And I applied my heart[f] to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 14 I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity[g] and a striving after wind.[h]...17 And I applied my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is but a striving after wind.
18 For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.

Anyway whether we are a servant or King, illiterate or doctored, we need something more than the physical and material that this world has to offer.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hope you get through this dude

 

[アミーゴ]

ajiiiplatinum you good man?

 

[megagraphitti]

Can u link your depression to specific thing that triggered it by chance? megagraphitti I'm asking you this as well. Had an old friend off him/herself (trans), and I wished what that person brought up what was going on up in the brain.

My depression was "triggered" by various things. I couldn't possibly attribute it to one lone factor. My mother, like the majority of her siblings, was physically abused throughout her childhood. I should note that I was never physically abused. My father also left my mother prior to my birth and proceeded to have three daughters with another woman. Therefore, I was a male raised by an overprotective, overly emotional, complacent single mother with low self-esteem. A male will surely develop into a weak, submissive coward under these circumstances.

I also attended predominantly white schools throughout my formative years as a black male, which really just added to my already-developing self-hate and anger issues. In retrospect, I began to show signs of depression and anxiety around eight or nine years of age. I can recall being 11 and just starting to play with thoughts of death and suicide. These issues persisted through high school and university.

This is an abridged version of what occurred. I'm essentially just another overly emotional, self-hating male raised by a single mother. I resent both of my parents, but at least my mother tried. I also blame myself for what I've become because many people have had much harsher upbringings (e.g., no parents, not having opportunities to further education etc.) and still developed into better people than me.

 

[marikomorose]

My depression was "triggered" by various things. I couldn't possibly attribute it to one lone factor. My mother, like the majority of her siblings, was physically abused throughout her childhood. I should note that I was never physically abused. My father also left my mother prior to my birth and proceeded to have three daughters with another woman. Therefore, I was a male raised by an overprotective, overly emotional, complacent single mother with low self-esteem. A male will surely develop into a weak, submissive coward under these circumstances.

I also attended predominantly white schools throughout my formative years as a black male, which really just added to my already-developing self-hate and anger issues. In retrospect, I began to show signs of depression and anxiety around eight or nine years of age. I can recall being 11 and just starting to play with thoughts of death and suicide. These issues persisted through high school and university.

This is an abridged version of what occurred. I'm essentially just another overly emotional, self-hating male raised by a single mother. I resent both of my parents, but at least my mother tried. I also blame myself for what I've become because many people have had much harsher upbringings (e.g., no parents, not having opportunities to further education etc.) and still developed into better people than me.

Apologizes for the late response:
Anyhow based on this synopsis u just gave u come across as very self aware & that's a good thing b/c u can pick your inner gripes, u also just communicated this fairly well as well. Have you had the chance to talk either or your parents in a precise, honest, and healthy manner about these issues? It's seems to have start w/ them, especially your father. You can gain a lot answers from your creators.

Also, was anyone aware of your blooming depression at 8/0? Did you let anyone know you were potentially suicidal at 11?

 

[megagraphitti]

Apologizes for the late response:
Anyhow based on this synopsis u just gave u come across as very self aware & that's a good thing b/c u can pick your inner gripes, u also just communicated this fairly well as well. Have you had the chance to talk either or your parents in a precise, honest, and healthy manner about these issues? It's seems to have start w/ them, especially your father. You can gain a lot answers from your creators.

Also, was anyone aware of your blooming depression at 8/0? Did you let anyone know you were potentially suicidal at 11?

1) I've tried talking about my issues with my mother and it's pointless. I haven't spoken with my father since I was 13 years old and it was via telephone. He tried talking to me and I hung up. That's it. I have nothing but hatred for him, and one of the happiest days of my life would be receiving the news of his passing. I would highly consider attending the funeral just to taunt that side of the family as well. I have no respect for deadbeat parents.

2 and 3) My mother claims that she noticed a "change" in my behavior from 8-11, but failed to fully conceptualize it. Considering her upbringing, a Caribbean born-and-raised Generation X, I wouldn't expect her to understand mental health issues. She is from the "no such thing as depression, snap out of it" school of thought. It took me literally telling her that I want to die at 14 years old and being too anxious and depressed to attend school for her to understand that I had very serious issues. At that point, I was too far gone.

Now at 28 years of age, my personality and lifestyle are pretty stable until I die. I have no friends because I deliberately pushed them away. I will always be depressed, lonely and undeserving of meaningful relationships, even acquaintances. One of my biggest regrets is not accepting my fate until 2020. I was a hopeful idiot until now, thinking that I actually had a chance to be anything better. I botched my first suicide attempt in 2018 (which was honestly about three years overdue), thus it will take a while to build the courage for another, at most a decade. Until then, I want to accomplish the following goals:

- Legally change first name because it symbolizes my self-hatred
- Break bad habits that hinder my gym and academic goals
- Move to a new city
- Obtain MA and PhD to prove that I could do it
- Cut all contact with my family
- Die

I hope to have completed all of this by my mid-late 30s.

 

[likeaboss2]

I want to accomplish the following goals:

- Legally change first name because it symbolizes my self-hatred
- Break bad habits that hinder my gym and academic goals
- Move to a new city
- Obtain MA and PhD to prove that I could do it
- Cut all contact with my family
- Die

I hope to have completed all of this by my mid-late 30s.

Hope talking this out helps with your pain/frustration.Taking things day by day and staying forward focused helps me with my depression. Keep working on yourself brother.

 

[deleted]

I've been going through a bit of a rough time the last couple of weeks and it has me wondering if it could be seasonal affective disorder

I know SAD is typically associated with shorter days and colder weather, but every year I have bouts of depression around early spring and mid summer...this year it has been more severe because of the COVID mess and some other personal situations which make it harder to find distractions

I've been doing some light gardening and have been trying to get back into drawing so that helps a little...might just need to pick up some additional hobbies to keep myself more occupied

 

[whatscomplex]

My mental health has gotten so bad in the past year.

First time I've stayed in toxic environments instead of just leaving which I've always done in the past. This goes for everything. Stayed in toxic spaces in real life, online, everything. Trying to help and convince people of their worth and caring about their opinion while they're saying negative things that damage you or your own self worth apparently isn't a good thing.

I've never really dealt with mental health issues except for sadness after people I cared about passed. So I wasn't really thinking anything of it or thinking that it would effect me but apparently it does overtime. Whatever issues they have eventually influences you enough where they drag you down to where they are.

I'm trying to surround myself now in only positive spaces and get back to how I was.

 

[_relinquo]

I've been thinking about a depression thread on here and didn't know there was one.

This whole COVID thing has really gotten to me. I suffer from depression, anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD. Right before the pandemic happened, I finally felt I was starting to gain control of my life, and see improvement. The beginning of the lockdown, I was aiight. I figured there's no way that people could be this ****ing stupid, and we'll get through this. Homie of mine said "we'll be back to normal end of April, I'm sure of it."

Well ****, that came and went.

Anti-depressants can only do so much for you when the environment is ****. They are not cure-alls for your depression, however, they do help. You still have to put in the work. I've tried almost every medication out there for depression and anxiety. If anyone has questions, or wants to talk about that stuff privately, feel free to DM me. I have no shame in those things. I've learned that opening my door to people to talk about it can be super helpful. I know it's a difficult thing to talk about.

Thankfully my GAD (general anxiety disorder) is actually under control with the medication my psych put me on. The medication has a rough adjustment period, but my GAD is pretty much gone. I only have anxiety or panic when I actually have something to be anxious or panicked about.

But having to cut people out that I've known most my life, family members, my mother... All in their entirety because of their ****ing stupidity with what's going on with COVID and Trump... It's exhausting. You think you know people but then they just turn around and end up being ****ing morons. Then that links to not being able to go do **** I want to do.

Things like going to the movies, or grocery shopping in the middle of the day without ****ing stress. My job is WFH as it is, so I really enjoyed having the luxury of being able to run errands and get **** done in the middle of the workweek, when people were in their offices and at their jobs. Even now, there doesn't seem to be a convenient time to do anything. It's a ****show no matter what time of the day or day of the week I decide to leave the house to run a simple errand.

Just last week, I had made plans to go grocery shopping. I had to go buy food, I was out. I sat in my office chair just staring at my phone, frozen in place for hours. My body tensed up, and I had a full blown panic attack because I couldn't bring myself to do some simple *** **** because of the stupidity of people outside my home. It's ****ing debilitating.

Finding a sense of normalcy after making so much progress is incredibly difficult. I've fired up an old MMO I haven't played in the better part of a decade, reconnecting with some old friends. That's been nice, but there's only so many hours in the day I can dedicate to doing that. I actually started having a good, healthy routine before all this. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I feel like I'm back before square one.

Didn't mean to go on for this long, but ****. I'm tired.

 

[willypete]

With everything that's been going on, depression has been effing me up. I felt I had things under control compared to my last post two months ago until I tested positive for covid pretty much 2 weeks ago. Between covid trashing my upper respiratory system and my past suicidal thoughts, I've been flirting with death a lot more often. To an extent I've been getting better but it's def parts of me that wants this to just be the end for me. I know it's selfish to want that but I haven't really felt accomplished or anything for some time. Today is my first time drinking alcohol in over 2 weeks and it's helped better than anybody I've been talking to or anything I've been doing since I tested positive.

As this poster above said, I'm tired. Covid just made me even more tired and done with everything at this point.