Respect Ska!!! I gotta say this isn't the typical NT post and it's one truly relevant to us all, and for that, I give you all the props my man!!! My post count is low, but I felt compelled to write in return. I don't know your age, but as an OG NT'er nearing mid-30s that I am (I know, we're almost extinct on here!) I think you have opened up a door; an opportunity for younger cats that either are yet to have kids, or just had them to get acquainted with better parenting skills. To those of you who think this dude's post is "too long to read," my guess is you and books don't mix well, but please, I ask that you read this post thoroughly, not only because he passionately spat knowledge that would make your life easier as a parent, but it could also contribute to society ONLY if YOU put in your own grain of salt! Please, also take the time to analyze the replies as well so you can better appreciate what he, and now I am attempting to share. This is me complimenting the points he's stated.
While reading Ska's posts, I found the many parallels between his experience and mine very interesting! Like Ska, I have a 4 year old preschooler, who I regularly gets compliments for his behavior/manners at school and extracurricular activities. Hopefully, he will continue to do so when the "going gets tough" (his teenage years, I'm already knocking on wood!!!) Regardless, what people really don't know it's everything that takes place from the front door of my home, inwards. As most 4 year olds, he got endless energy and already is starting to test/plot what he can and cannot get away with. But he's a kid, and that's what kids do! Now, does channeling him take time and effort? Patience?? For sure, you better believe it do! But what else better to spend all that "sweating" than on your own flesh and blood???
Although it shouldn't matter, I'm more credible to this audience by sharing that I am of color and was raised in a single-parent household with what living in the city entitles. Also like yourself, by today's standards, during my "teenage years", I, like most folks my age got "abused" in the sense that belts, shoes, hangers, cords, if close to where I was getting it, could be used for whoopings too. I was that kid boys do make fun of because "Man, your mom got that full-court press "Glove" D on you!" They feared her too though haha!! But by all means, I did deserve my whoopings and truly, I think they did their "trick." But on the other hand, also like Ska, I did, and I'm not afraid to admit that I still continue to wrestle with anger management issues. More importantly, I think Ska accurately assessed that as in my case, due to mom's being by herself, often gone during the day working, mom's time and patience was non-existent. She may have felt these whoopings were the only resort she had, in the time she did have with us. I have younger siblings so I bet she felt if her oldest bucked, my bro and sis were looking too!! But awareness is key! I now know she was whooped worse, and more often than not, undeserved! For me, growing up without a male at home has definitely had a dramatic effect in how hard I try to be a "good father" myself! Sure, it does take effort, but I continue to invest time seeking more efficient ways to reach my kid, and I believe, therein lays the issue for many others!! Many of our generation grew up with parents that were not all that "up" for parenting. But needless to say, although I know I am unfairly generalizing, compared to some of today's parents, they were STELLAR parents with much better core values! The reality is the great majority of OUR generation is even LESS fit to raise kids than they were!! Therefore, again allow me to commend you Ska, for shedding light on this important societal issue! But NT'ers if you're still reading, continue to hear me out...
Interestingly, Ska added that he works with youth... I've also done so by teaching middle school in the inner city, actually longer than I have been a parent. This fact alone has provided me (and I'm willing to say to him also) with a much broader view of the issue at hand. As I do with my boy at home, I also use a positive reinforcement method in the classroom, in the sense that when the kids behave they easily earn class points and/or individual points. When they don't, I actually remove a positive (tally points, "free times," enrichment group activities, etc) rather than impose a negative. But those type of consequences (removing toys, time outs, etc) and explaining after the fact are indeed time-consuming and to be honest, to us minorities, as we can easily see from some of the replies on here, they can be seen as "passive" or "soft," and why not... even put down as "white"!
The bottom line is WE are now the parents, and in today's economy, most of us gotta grind hard to make ends meet for our families. That is if you're a responsible one, of course because I tell you, there is a wide array of parents out there! In reality, the stay-at-home mom been out of the equation years ago so our kids get home before we do. Then, when we get home late, we are often tired after a day's worth of work and understandably, the least we want to do is put up with our kids' issues, them being riled up, or ranting and much less demanding things they haven't work towards. But I think this is where I personally believe the "lazy parenting" mentioned takes place. First and foremost, we have to acknowledge, the mistake is on US parents! Our failing educational system will not step in to counter our flaws! I cannot begin to count the many kids at school, especially boys who got the latest retros (garbage anyways, lol) always got a fresh cut, got nice gear, have iPhones, iPods, droids and blackberries, are allowed to play in their AAU's and rotary's and whatnot, but are f'n up in class! (I teach in the inner city, so where all these expensive items come from? I need that hook up too, lol) The more baffling aspect is when I try to contact parents, which I exclusively do when keeping things "in house" don't work... Mom and/or dad more than often feel they are already defeated BUT don't even want to take away any of the luxuries mentioned above!! It is at that given point when one can better understand a child. Right after having a meeting or one conversation with their mom/dad or even grandparents. From the teacher perspective, I do admit the majority of teachers do not take the time to do so. By the way, much props to the many grandparents that step up for what their sons and daughters don't do, but how can a grandparent keep up with nowadays' challenges... how can we ask "gma" or "gpa" as my students say, to keep up with the many challenges of today, such as social networks, which by the way present a new array of emotional and psychological hurdles to our kids???
So my tip to your parents and prospective parents is, once you have seeds, the focus is no longer on you! You can't continue to kick it and run the streets as you did before! I was guilty of that one too! Be a responsible, conscientious adult! Now, once you accept that fact, consistency is the #1 key to it all! I've seen it for nearly a decade now. As tired as you may be at the end of the day, if you have instituted a set of rules, or rewards, or consequences, ENFORCE THEM! Check their HW! Get to know your kid! Figure out what makes him/her tick. What his/her interests are and, most important, what would really affect them if you were take those things away! Teach them the value of merit! They can earn things by WORKING towards them!! Otherwise, your kid will see you don't even take what you preach seriously. Therefore, years down the line, refrain from blaming on his or her personality when they buck on your rules, and consequently, YOU the parent!
As Ska also said, forget thinking that you must get "your money's worth" when you purchase things for them! (By the way Ska, I like the throwing away of cheap/McD's toys in the garbage! I will use that one!) For example, let's say you bought tickets online to go see Transformers 3 and your child acts up in the interim between then and the movie time. Simply, don't go! By far, it is NOT a waste! However, make sure, as Ska stated, that you speak to them and concisely let them know that it's just a consequence to what they did! Kids make the choices and we the parents, or in my case teachers, assign the consequences! As someone stated, there certainly are similarities between raising kids and dogs in that sense. You are simply setting your parameters as the "alpha" parent that you are, and not just for that instance, but future ones as well! Remember, they will be adults one day! Oh, that a tantrums follow, which would be unrealistic to say they don't, you child ought to know better by then because you've set precedent in the past. However, you've got to communicate! Please DO talk to your child! Sternly that is, though! Own what you say, after all you are the adult!!! Also, I do find that most of our kids today often struggle with "knowing how to reason," and often need to be explained with a variety of examples because they truly have a difficulty seeing "cause and effect"! Conflict resolution is another flaw! These kids can't take a "no" or constructive criticism because at home they get theirs by moping and complaining!!
So by all means, lead by example and talk to your kids, and the earlier the better, that is! Often, this is exactly the reason why by middle-school age, when hormones really kick in, parents complain that they do not know how to approach their own off-springs. Oftentimes, if they are trying and aren't successful, parents are quick to quit and have the nerve to complain that for x, y, z reason, the communication is simply not there! Never put up with being addressed in disrespectful tone. In fact, instead of losing your cool, let them know you will not put up with it! I encourage anyone to quietly walk away from that tantrum-throwing child/teenager, whether at home or anywhere else. You'll notice that he or she will see his/her powers diminished! Don't ever forget you feed them, clothe them, shelter them, so after all they cannot make due without you!!! However, don't engage in arguments (I'm guilty of this one!!), simply issue consequences! They will know what to expect in the long run!
To conclude NT, we need more functional, responsible models outhere! Specifically males!! Our boys need it! Be the primary care taker of your kids, if don't do it, who will! So you're either the solution or the problem! We do have our work cut out for us, but it's OUR work! Stop waiting on the US Dept. of Ed.to do it for you!
Thanks for reading and hopefully, let's see responses!
wren32:
